Go to Hell! Sure, but where?

As a kid in Norway we used the expression “Go where the pepper grows”, meaning to the place where pepper grow (Norwegian; “Dra dit pepper’n gror!”)! This was a junior version of “Go to hell”, and one of the worst things we could throw at each other. For years I’ve been wondering why this was such a cruel thing to say? Even more so, where does pepper grow?!Firstly, nobody had any clue where this was; just that it was a very bad place! Norwegians had probably just acquired pepper and salt for cooking, and this was as adventurous as one could be in the kitchen back then. Pepper probably arrived on the same ship as the coffee beans . All we knew was that pepper was not grown in any of the nearby countries (Denmark and Sweden). That was as far as our imagination or horizon could reach. No doubt, pepper was from a place very far away!

Far away, for the purpose of sending somebody away could be good enough! If you could send this annoying person there, you should expect not to see him/her again for quite some time. Naturally though, since these orders were usually given during a fight, the bastard was not overly obedient or compelled to do so! My mindpower was under-developed at the time, so I never succeeded. It was safe to say that the moron had no clue where to head either. Pepper was not marked on any map! In fact, both parties where blissfully ignorant and unaware of the pepper’s origin or its geographical location. Why send somebody to a place you don’t know, and haven’t even confirmed as being a bad place either? It could be paradise, and far from serving your intention… There had to be some other explanation! Pepper is hot, and must come from a hot place! Hot is for some reason perceived as bad. Hell is hot (like Hell) – alas “Burn in Hell"! Hell is bad, so hot must also be bad! Any accounts of purgatory, before you even get to Hell, will tell you that it’s hot. Anything hotter than the beach in Spain (favorite holiday/roasting destination for Scandinavians) is pain and a bad place to be, no doubt! But how could we know that pepper came from a hot place? Tales from the seamen could of course have been told, retold and finally reached our ears, but not very likely. One look at the whole pepper corns can tell that they’ve been in a hot place. Roasted like straight out of Hell!

Surely we had tasted pepper, but spared of any bad burn. What the hell did we know about ring-sting?! This was of course long before chillies and jalapenos could reach us! Jalapenos and chillies are grown in hot places too, Mexico and many places around the world as far as I know. Although much hotter than pepper, we were totally oblivious of any of these chilli and jalapeno growing places. Pepper was as hot as it could knowingly get! The pepper growing area out there somewhere was the worst place imaginable. Up until recently I had no clue where to send my enemies though! A family member that lives in India came to visit short time ago. For some unknown reason she mentioned that they grow pepper there. A lifelong mystery for me was cleared up quite unexpectedly! Kerala in India to be exact! It’s probably not the only place in India or elsewhere, but at least now I have some clue where pepper is grown.

For a couple of years, we’ve been talking about going to India. Even with a long holiday, you can’t do the whole of India, but Kerala was one of our marked destinations. Without knowing it I had planned my future holiday at a place where I’ve previously wished only my worst childhood enemies! True, India had Thugs, but they don’t cause Hell anymore. How ironic?! All the Hell’s on earth that I know about and that I’ve come across are actually not bad at all! They are actually nice places and definitely not cursing material!!

However! "What happens in Hell, stays in Hell". What goes to Hell or grow there also for that matter, am I right?! As far as I know, the ticket to Hell is one way only! …and since pepper grows in India, there must be Hell on earth. Either that, or earth is in Hell. So whether I tell people to go to Hell or to the place where pepper grows, they will not be any worse off than myself! I might as well send them to Bermuda! Damn – swearing people kinda lost its sting now! Bloody useless!!

In my garden you will find chillies thriving alongside lizards and scorpions! The summers here (Pretoria, South Africa) can be hot like hell. With the recent xenophobia incidents, this is probably closer to Hell than any named Hell you will find on earth. I live here!! Somebody else’s mind power must be quite strong!

I quite like it here
Lucifer

PS! "In Rome - do like the Romans do"! When in Hell...???

Shaka Zulu revisited

During Shaka Zulu’s reign, Mzilikazi fled north to escape Shaka Zulu’s violent rule. Mzilikazi, chief of the Ndwandwe tribe that was acquired and taken under the Zulu wings, decided to set up his own kingdom. With his remaining regiment and families he settled down in Matabeleland in todays Zimbabwe, where he became the King of the Matabele. Although out of reach for Shaka Zulu, they had to face other battles. The most recent one gave them reason to flee once again, away from their own country’s leader Robert Mugabe and back to South Africa.

The ironic part is that although not a major part, some of them came all the way back to the Zulu kingdom – KwaZulu Natal! Yet again, they are hunted by Zulu’s. Over the last couple of weeks, 50-60 people have been killed and thousands chased from their homes in the black townships throughout South Africa. It’s a small minority of the Zulu’s that are behind it, but people are talking about political motives. The Inkatha Freedom Party has been mentioned as the possible instigator. Perpetrators are singing “Umshini Vami” the ANC (African National Congress) freedom song (Meaning: “Give me my machine gun”) that was one of Jacob Zuma’s trademarks during the recent election. Whether it is Mangosutho Buthelezi (Inkatha) or Jacob Zuma (ANC), as well as Robert Mugabe… They are no better than Shaka Zulu for the Zimbabweans in South African exile! They run for their lives today like they did 200 years ago to escape the Zulu Impis. But where will you run now people of Matabeleland and Zimbabwe?!

To sell a car

A few years ago I went to the BMW plant in Dingoldfing, outside Munich. You can order your car down to the tiniest details. The assembly line spews out thousands of cars every week. No two cars during that week are identical. It’s really astonishing! For the first time in my life, I bought a brand new car recently after my own specs. That means it’s time to sell the old car…
Friends and family are suddenly telling me I have to be careful. I’m just trying to sell my car?! Since when was selling a car associated with any danger? I might risk selling it slightly too cheap, but careful?!

“You must NOT meet potential buyers at malls or other places they suggest! They must come to your house, but don’t let them inside, and never ever let them take the car for a spin!”
It’s a new type of crime, the hippest car-crime method in the crime capital of the world, Johannesburg! If I can’t let them take the car for a spin, then how the hell can I sell the car? I’ve been in sales for eight years, but this is looking tough now! I would not buy a car without a test-drive!!

Another, NEW thing is that you can order your 2nd hand vehicles with detailed specs also now. The waiting time is amazingly short! “These cars are not coming out of any assembly line”; I’m thinking. A guy at work tells me he can talk to anybody in his neighborhood, and they can get him the car of his liking in no time. A registration number shortens the delivery time apparently. He sounds well connected!

Just outside Johannesburg, a man ordered his new 2nd hand car, and was waiting in anticipation recently! He was major impressed with his sons car and decided to get one like that too! The car was delivered a few days later, the same day that his son was killed in a hi-jacking incident! The car even smelt of his sons cologne, that’s how meticulous they are about matching your specs 100%!

Obviously, whether you are buying or selling a car – it’s a lethal business! Don’t ever use that term; “I’m having what she is having” when it comes to cars, unless you have a serious grudge against that person! After thinking things over, it’s probably safest to let the old car rust in the back yard. The new car will NO doubt follow me from cradle to the grave!

What defines you?

Does your work define you as a person?! Just like your parents, your upbringing, your country and local community. They are influences and tell a story about you as a person. Work is not an insignificant influence, am I right? You put down at least 1/3 of your day doing whatever you do, striving to get good at it, going from junior to senior, up the hierarchy and get sculpted more and more!

The worrying thing is that people take the choice of work a bit too lightly. I am wondering if I have fallen into this trap myself actually. This job you choose is going to change people’s perception of you forever. You should actually do a thorough analysis of each company. What would you be involved in and what core values does this company represent… history maybe, and the name that defines this company and will no doubt rub off on you! This is a “growing” concern for me these days… Browsing through some Egyptian mythology the other day I was intrigued to find a god by the same name as the company I work for – Osiris!Osiris is also called Orion the Hunter in Greek mythology and Herne the Hunter in Norse mythology and he was a great warrior! The gods walked among humans at this stage, and the reign of Osiris was a “golden age”! So far so good and I’m overjoyed and no worries at all! The name though is also connected with insemination. Orion, derived from “ourien” meaning semen, and the belt of Orion is a euphemism. In ancient times this was a penis that became erect as the year progressed. That’s a shame and a serious dysfunction. A whole year to get it up?! Seriously, you don’t want this kind of stuff to rub off on you, whether you live in the times of Viagra or not!! Must I hand in my resignation now, or should I stick it out and resort to Viagra if worst comes to worst?

Seth, the envoy of Satan, made a cedar chest (coffin) inlaid with gold, silver, ivory and lapis lazuli. Whoever fitted the chest best, could take it away! Like Cinderella, Osiris won the prize! As soon as Osiris had lied down, Seth slammed the lid on and sealed the chest. It was thrown into the Nile and washed ashore in Syria. A tree grew up and wrapped and enclosed the chest completely. Famous for its splendor it was chopped down and made into a pillar in the Syrian King’s palace. Osiris’s wife, Isis managed to locate and free him, but Seth attacked again!

This time Seth wanted to make sure that he did the job properly. He hacked Osiris to pieces, 14 in total, and spread them far apart geographically so that he could not be made whole again! Isis though as the devoted wife retrieved the pieces, puzzled him together and wrapped him up with bandages so that he could heal. This was the “first mummy”! There was just one small catch! She had found all the pieces except one – the penis! Isis, who no doubt wanted a fully functioning husband back made a golden penis and attached it to his body. I imagine this to be history’s first dildo! Dealing with clients and business associates now… do they see Jonny or do they see a mummy with a golden dildo shining through??

Isis was unable to bring Osiris fully back to life… other than sexually! With a lot of TLC she managed to work him up and make him ejaculate. So Horus was born, the new Master of the Universe! Horus killed Seth to avenge his father, whilst Osiris lived in the Underworld as its King of the Dead. No doubt there are many facets to Osiris, some desirable and some not so desirable! Can you choose or in any way influence what rubs off on you? This is crucial to me given Osiris’s history. I need advice on this… so I will keep my resignation unsigned in the drawer for now!

BTW! My gmail is getting spammed recently with “increase your size” e-mails despite the fact that I have not surfed anything remotely associated?! Is it Osiris?

Self Justice

I was burgled in November. A guy walked into my house and stole laptops and a cell phone! On his way out he greeted my domestic helper. With the domestic helper screaming, I was running outside, but could see nobody. Then I drove around for an hour, but nothing of course! Never mind the stolen goods, but the violation of my private home made me mad with anger! What if any of us surprised him and accidentally cut him off from his escape route? After two days I phoned repeatedly to get the investigating officer to the scene, so that he could have a look at video clips. He could not come because he had no vehicle to get there! Short time later I read in the newspaper that the police guys have a R100 (US$13) allowance airtime to do their necessary phone calls to investigate. No wonder I had to follow up myself!

This morning I heard a motorist had lost a cell phone in a smash’n’grab! He followed the thief and shot him dead! The police says he will be charged with murder (if they find him), but I say WELL DONE! I SALUTE YOU!! That November morning I was HIM! No gun or anything. With bare hands and blunt claws it would have been much uglier! I hope this creates a domino effect across the country with self justice incidents. Only THEN will it be a wakeup call loud enough!

The townships already have their kangaroo courts, and the police are too afraid to interfere! Now civil society has come down to a basic rawness because there is no functioning justice system. Let this be a lesson for the politicians. 2010 is coming up, and I want to see an Olympic effort to do something with the crime, police and justice system. Maybe some time in the future we won’t need kangaroo courts and self justice anymore! When I think about it, I would have been shocked and not saluted the guy, had it been in Norway.

History of brainiacs, creation and God

Easter time is a religious high season. About 30 years ago a young boy in Norway was watching TV about a certain crucifixion, ascension and return to earth. The main character of the story could have been any super hero, but happened to be Jesus. “Do you believe this mom?” Mom hesitated for a moment but eventually answered; “Naah”! “Me neither!”; said the boy, and turned the TV off! He never really looked back. During his studies though, he learnt that you have to keep an open and unbiased mind to prove something wrong in order to get any wiser... and it would of course be awesome to prove the GOD-hypothesis wrong, at least within a 95% confidence interval. In marketing terms that’s “good enough” and case closed! It seems like the forces of the universe are pulling together in order to really find out now... could it in fact be a “message”, I wonder?


Michael Heller is busy calculating GOD’s existence on the Roman Catholic Church’s behalf, and hopefully his/her whereabouts on my behalf. I choose to see Mr Heller’s impressive formula as a test of the GOD hypothesis. Meanwhile, a European CSI team at the European particle-physics lab (CERN) in Geneva are preparing their new super-toy! The Large Hadron Collider’s first task later this year will be to look for GOD, or the “Higgs boson particle” in CSI terms. The mathematicians, also behind this project, say that their toy could theoretically make wormlike holes into time. Should my space shuttle plans fall apart, then I’ve already got my contingency plan. Grissom and his colleagues just lost a viewer now, as I will rather follow this show closely!!

Bishop James Ussher (Irish) devised in the early 17th century that the world was created at 6pm on Saturday, October 22nd, 4004BC (flat of course)! H.G. Wells referred to it as “this fantastically precise misconception” in 1922 (and I must agree!), but he was still unable to give a better prediction. The Old Testament provided a scattered puzzle of people’s life, age and historical events that made it possible to backtrack the day of God’s creation. Never mind the fact that Adam then lived to be 930 years old and descendants and record holder (so far) Methuselah lived to be 969 years old! A healthy climate, abundance of food and absence of diseases helped to explain this! Augustine (“Give me chastity – but not yet”) deducted amongst other things from this that they reached puberty late back in the days...


Backtracking the 6 days of creation became imperative in this work. Great minds like Thomas Burnet and Isaac Newton concluded that since earth itself was created on the 3rd day, the two first days could have been as long as it suited their theories (!). Newton explained further that God created earth stationary and only gradually started to spin! How wrinkled mustn’t Adam have been after 930 slow moving years only covered by a leaf under the burning sun?!

George-Louis Leclerc de Buffon based his work on solid scientific principles and evidence of nature. This was a new approach! Edmund Halley (Halley’s comet) had tried to measure the increasing saltiness of the sea and based on this backtrack the age of earth. Other than this, all attempts had been strictly biblical. Any “scientific” methods were used to back up biblical accounts!

Buffons theory however scrapped all biblical accounts! Earth was created by a comet that hit the sun. Glowing minerals was thrown into space (I assume!) and formed earth. In a stroke he reduced the world’s creation, the glorious masterpiece from the Supreme Architect God to nothing but a catastrophic accident! Your parents romp that accidentally made you is nothing compared to this!!

Newton estimated that the earth’s age was 50.000 years based on a comet-sun impact and the time it would take for earth to cool down, but there was never any doubt in his mind that the bible was correct. In 1765 when Jean-Jacques Dortous de Mairan (mathematician) revealed that earth contained an inner source of heat. Buffon was re-inspired by the fact that this backed his Newtonian cooling earth theory. He declared Siberia the “cradle of life” as it had once been hot and humid like Africa. My second home country currently holds the “cradle of human kind” so I’m not entirely happy about the challenge that this theory represent. However I trust that this theory will ridicule itself! Catherine II of Russia however was very pleased that all living creatures seemed to have popped out of her beloved Russia! Weighing the different materials that earth consists of, Buffon calculated that earth would have taken a total of 74.047 years to reach its current temperature. Adding the suns influence he landed on 74.832 years as published in his Epoch of Nature.

It took according to Buffon 35.000 years for water to condense out of the atmosphere to form oceans (of what was left between the continents). As a “could have been farmer” I strongly object to this as I have more than once boiled the potatoes dry twice before ready. Clearly with the heat in question caused by the sun or comets or whatever... we would have had deserts left and only occasional ponds, salty like the Dead Sea! So out of a limited 75.000 years I would have theoretically granted the species a larger portion of that time to develop.

Only after 60.000 years according to Buffon had the temperature dropped enough for the first land animals like elephants and rhinos to appear in the jungles of Siberia. Mankind showed up after 70.000 years so that the early gurus’ estimations of 4-6000 years at least for man could be accepted. It was thus independently proved to conveniently match the biblical tales. Buffon never questioned Adams 930 slow years, but since the world had now spun for 70.000 years already it was pretty much up to speed with our years nowadays I would guess. A comparatively much shorter 930 years in other words, but still a long life!

Lucky for Buffon at the time, there were no talking about humanoids and Neanderthals that could prove his theories wrong! Man was created last to take the sceptre of the earth only when it was found worthy of “his empire”! Buffon could therefore enjoy the fame, although it didn’t go exactly as he would’ve hoped! People admired his writing style, but doubted his arguments and rather took to his theories as enjoyable philosophy and early science fiction. Very much like that small boy in Norway with the biblical stories presented to him!

Nina Azari, a neuroscientist with a doctorate in theology, has looked at the brains of religious compared to non religious people. She has measured the brain activity whilst citing the 23rd psalm, a “happy” story and a neutral text. The religious guys in her test-panel all agreed that citing the 23rd psalm helped them enter a religious state of mind, so it would be interesting to compare this with the non religious guys. Previous research on the field has suggested that the limbic system (which regulates emotions) is an important centre of religious activity. Therefore it was expected that the religious people had quite high activity in the limbic system. However, the 23rd psalm caused activity other places than expected... and only for the religious guys. The only thing that triggered limbic activity among all, was the happy story! Religion affects many areas of the brain apparently. A so called God-spot however is derived from work conducted on epileptics. The reports suggest that religious visions are the result of epileptic seizures that affect this part of the brain (!!).I am amazed by the fact that all the brainiacs in time, that still have a name in history, went out of their way to confirm and entangle visions caused by epileptic seizures into their theories??!! I’m starting to question gravity here now!!

Zim election!

Our domestic helper (Judith) went home to Zimbabwe recently to visit family. Upon arrival officials took her passport, and rumours said that it was because of the election at the end of March, tomorrow to be specific.

Earlier this month Judiths husband went to deliver his vote back in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. At the same time he asked what options Judith had, being in South Africa. They soon found out that Judith had in fact voted already - but she was completely unaware herself. No wonder Mugabe is confiscating passports! It doesn't hit the media like the ordinary massacres. I was just thinking about all those people that drowns trying to cross the river to South Africa. If Mugabe has put up a net downstream, he can probably pick up a lot of passports... and Zim-salabim VOTES!!

The newspapers report that everything looks fine in the Zimbabwean election. What a joke!!