History of brainiacs, creation and God

Easter time is a religious high season. About 30 years ago a young boy in Norway was watching TV about a certain crucifixion, ascension and return to earth. The main character of the story could have been any super hero, but happened to be Jesus. “Do you believe this mom?” Mom hesitated for a moment but eventually answered; “Naah”! “Me neither!”; said the boy, and turned the TV off! He never really looked back. During his studies though, he learnt that you have to keep an open and unbiased mind to prove something wrong in order to get any wiser... and it would of course be awesome to prove the GOD-hypothesis wrong, at least within a 95% confidence interval. In marketing terms that’s “good enough” and case closed! It seems like the forces of the universe are pulling together in order to really find out now... could it in fact be a “message”, I wonder?


Michael Heller is busy calculating GOD’s existence on the Roman Catholic Church’s behalf, and hopefully his/her whereabouts on my behalf. I choose to see Mr Heller’s impressive formula as a test of the GOD hypothesis. Meanwhile, a European CSI team at the European particle-physics lab (CERN) in Geneva are preparing their new super-toy! The Large Hadron Collider’s first task later this year will be to look for GOD, or the “Higgs boson particle” in CSI terms. The mathematicians, also behind this project, say that their toy could theoretically make wormlike holes into time. Should my space shuttle plans fall apart, then I’ve already got my contingency plan. Grissom and his colleagues just lost a viewer now, as I will rather follow this show closely!!

Bishop James Ussher (Irish) devised in the early 17th century that the world was created at 6pm on Saturday, October 22nd, 4004BC (flat of course)! H.G. Wells referred to it as “this fantastically precise misconception” in 1922 (and I must agree!), but he was still unable to give a better prediction. The Old Testament provided a scattered puzzle of people’s life, age and historical events that made it possible to backtrack the day of God’s creation. Never mind the fact that Adam then lived to be 930 years old and descendants and record holder (so far) Methuselah lived to be 969 years old! A healthy climate, abundance of food and absence of diseases helped to explain this! Augustine (“Give me chastity – but not yet”) deducted amongst other things from this that they reached puberty late back in the days...


Backtracking the 6 days of creation became imperative in this work. Great minds like Thomas Burnet and Isaac Newton concluded that since earth itself was created on the 3rd day, the two first days could have been as long as it suited their theories (!). Newton explained further that God created earth stationary and only gradually started to spin! How wrinkled mustn’t Adam have been after 930 slow moving years only covered by a leaf under the burning sun?!

George-Louis Leclerc de Buffon based his work on solid scientific principles and evidence of nature. This was a new approach! Edmund Halley (Halley’s comet) had tried to measure the increasing saltiness of the sea and based on this backtrack the age of earth. Other than this, all attempts had been strictly biblical. Any “scientific” methods were used to back up biblical accounts!

Buffons theory however scrapped all biblical accounts! Earth was created by a comet that hit the sun. Glowing minerals was thrown into space (I assume!) and formed earth. In a stroke he reduced the world’s creation, the glorious masterpiece from the Supreme Architect God to nothing but a catastrophic accident! Your parents romp that accidentally made you is nothing compared to this!!

Newton estimated that the earth’s age was 50.000 years based on a comet-sun impact and the time it would take for earth to cool down, but there was never any doubt in his mind that the bible was correct. In 1765 when Jean-Jacques Dortous de Mairan (mathematician) revealed that earth contained an inner source of heat. Buffon was re-inspired by the fact that this backed his Newtonian cooling earth theory. He declared Siberia the “cradle of life” as it had once been hot and humid like Africa. My second home country currently holds the “cradle of human kind” so I’m not entirely happy about the challenge that this theory represent. However I trust that this theory will ridicule itself! Catherine II of Russia however was very pleased that all living creatures seemed to have popped out of her beloved Russia! Weighing the different materials that earth consists of, Buffon calculated that earth would have taken a total of 74.047 years to reach its current temperature. Adding the suns influence he landed on 74.832 years as published in his Epoch of Nature.

It took according to Buffon 35.000 years for water to condense out of the atmosphere to form oceans (of what was left between the continents). As a “could have been farmer” I strongly object to this as I have more than once boiled the potatoes dry twice before ready. Clearly with the heat in question caused by the sun or comets or whatever... we would have had deserts left and only occasional ponds, salty like the Dead Sea! So out of a limited 75.000 years I would have theoretically granted the species a larger portion of that time to develop.

Only after 60.000 years according to Buffon had the temperature dropped enough for the first land animals like elephants and rhinos to appear in the jungles of Siberia. Mankind showed up after 70.000 years so that the early gurus’ estimations of 4-6000 years at least for man could be accepted. It was thus independently proved to conveniently match the biblical tales. Buffon never questioned Adams 930 slow years, but since the world had now spun for 70.000 years already it was pretty much up to speed with our years nowadays I would guess. A comparatively much shorter 930 years in other words, but still a long life!

Lucky for Buffon at the time, there were no talking about humanoids and Neanderthals that could prove his theories wrong! Man was created last to take the sceptre of the earth only when it was found worthy of “his empire”! Buffon could therefore enjoy the fame, although it didn’t go exactly as he would’ve hoped! People admired his writing style, but doubted his arguments and rather took to his theories as enjoyable philosophy and early science fiction. Very much like that small boy in Norway with the biblical stories presented to him!

Nina Azari, a neuroscientist with a doctorate in theology, has looked at the brains of religious compared to non religious people. She has measured the brain activity whilst citing the 23rd psalm, a “happy” story and a neutral text. The religious guys in her test-panel all agreed that citing the 23rd psalm helped them enter a religious state of mind, so it would be interesting to compare this with the non religious guys. Previous research on the field has suggested that the limbic system (which regulates emotions) is an important centre of religious activity. Therefore it was expected that the religious people had quite high activity in the limbic system. However, the 23rd psalm caused activity other places than expected... and only for the religious guys. The only thing that triggered limbic activity among all, was the happy story! Religion affects many areas of the brain apparently. A so called God-spot however is derived from work conducted on epileptics. The reports suggest that religious visions are the result of epileptic seizures that affect this part of the brain (!!).I am amazed by the fact that all the brainiacs in time, that still have a name in history, went out of their way to confirm and entangle visions caused by epileptic seizures into their theories??!! I’m starting to question gravity here now!!

The Catholic Church (an RDA-file)

It’s been a while since I did anything on my Religion Decision Aid (RDA) project, but then I stumbled over what I believe to be one of the pillars of “Catholic theory”. The Catholic Church up until today still relies on St Thomas Aquinas proofs on the existence of God. Aquinas’ proofs are published in his work “Summa Contra Gentiles”, so naturally I was curious about his evidence on the matter. As a scientist, I had an open mind… even open to the possibility that reading this stuff could forever turn me into a slave of Catholicism. Curiosity killed the cat they say… but what the hell!

This scripture in old fashioned language is a bit hard to grasp for me so I had to read it over many times… What Thomas Aquinas’ and the Catholic Church’s teachings eventually boils down to in my mind is; Desire – knowledge – happiness!

1. Desire for the first truth and cause
The last end of all man and of all his deeds and desires is to know the first truth and the first cause, namely God. Thomas further says that the men or “intelligent substance” desires happiness at the end. Happiness for men, Thomas says, is to know God! I’ve noticed in old people, that although they did not seem like very god fearing people before, they cling to a hope that there is “something”… just in case maybe? Hedging your bets! So for now I’ll give this the benefit of the doubt.

2. Knowledge - a way to happiness
Ultimate happiness can only be obtained through knowledge of God, but knowledge to what level and extent?! According to Thomas the common “knowledge” among most Christians is the general and confused knowledge of God through "opinion" or "demonstration". Way superior though is knowledge through "faith". Whether you are of the “shallow” type or you have 100% faith, Aquinas says that this is still not enough for man to be happy. Since faith is as far as a man can get in this life – you can not be happy! How sad isn’t that?! Maybe Catholics are just too demanding and expect too much??

3. Nature’s way
Aquinas says that nature does nothing in vain, so man's natural desire for happiness will be fulfilled at some stage. As no man can shun death, happiness must be fulfilled after this life! As man’s concept of truth is only through speculative science, a man's life would be in vain unless he can reach the ultimate knowledge and happiness after life. According to Aristotle and Aquinas, man's knowledge through speculative science is limited and proportionate to his capacity. “Proportionate to man’s capacity…”; this sounds very much like Chris Argyris' theory X to me (meaning basically that man is not very competent), and in this case man can not expect to get much joy out of life! In this day and age I feel this is a very negative way of seeing things… even for an ultra conservative Catholic Church!

Conclusion and RDA-rating
I deduct from this that NO catholic person can be happy, which means I would shun Catholicism more than death in the first place! The beginning and the first truth… according to science that I put my trust in is the big bang. Being a Darwinist… I have therefore already fulfilled my desire of knowledge of the first truth and cause. This ultimate knowledge can sink inn at any time during life, and you can thus reach a state of ultimate happiness and stay happy for most of your life also. Clearly this is much more enjoyable than being a depressed Catholic. Besides, before you discovered the ultimate happiness you were probably too young and immature and oblivious of the fact that you were unhappy! That means also that being an Atheist and Darwinist, your life is not in vain. It’s amazing and ironic that the teachings of the Catholic Church in fact give you a better argument to be an Atheist?! Imagine the catholic slogans; “Become a catholic, be depressed and live a long painful life in vain”! Still, there are quite a few Catholics/masochists out there…? I hope they’ve got something else and better up their sleeves!!

Thomas Aquinas made use of Aristotle’s rationalism to give his own theories some oomph. Aquinas, Aristotle and not to mention the Pope and numerous saints, although bold and famous names, does not bring the Catholic Church high up on my ranking. I've always wondered though, whether they sing "When the saints go marching in" in the Vatican... maybe when a new Pope is elected?!

Since nature does nothing in vain, this was Aquinas' and the Catholic Church's proof that there is something after death. However, they do not provide much information about exactly what happens after death (unlike Hinduism)... which leaves Catholics in "limbo" whether you are baptized or not! Only that you will "know and be happy"! With some goodwill this adds some amount of credibility, since nobody have so far reported first hand on the "ultimate knowledge and happiness" and what it entails!!

I was surprised that this is still the proof of God in this day and age. To me this is only a weak explanation that is crowbared to serve the purpose, but no proof! I believe in evolution, that I belive can be proved scientifically. Nevertheless it does not exclude the possibility that a God was behind the Big Bang or at some point in time. Either way you come short and can't prove it! So why can't the Catholic Church or any religion just tell it like it is - you have to choose whether you want to believe or not! Belief is so far as far as we can get in this life, but still not in vain!

Come to think about it, I really have to fill out my RDA scorecards in order to get some sense of all this. As for now they seem to make a cluster “not very high up on the ranking", which is not very specific. I promise to work it out... some time soon!!

Another beer with someone from history! (God)

Graham has got a standing challenge/invitation on his blog for people to tell about their beer with someone from history. Recently an opportunity has opened up that I will not miss, come heaven or hell! A US senator has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints (through prayers I assume!). Although the lawsuit itself may imply otherwise, I expect God to be a person/deity of honor and attend the trial, not only in his/her omnipresent ways but actually show a true physical presence!

God will of course be very busy when he/she arrives on such a rare visit, and I realize it will be hard to actually get an appointment. However, I will pray in advance for it to happen, and even hang around the bars, restaurants, churches and temples around the court and hope for and opportunity. I will then offer God a superb South African Meerlust Rubicon and trick him/her into believing it is altar wine, LOL! Nah - that would be a lie, and probably a bad start. I would be honest and give him/her carte blanche but recommend the Meerlust, and God would not resist my proposal!

Actually, I would make sure I had that beer with Adam & Eve before meeting God! Then I would be able to see God in a different light, and from some of his/her direct creation’s viewpoint. It would be like watching “Gandhi – My father” before knowing anything about Gandhi in the first place. My hypothesis is that God cared dearly for his/her children and grand children, but that God lost interest because generations and time wise, we are too far removed from God to care any more. We have also multiplied so rapidly that he/she can’t keep track any more. Hopefully, I can discard my hypothesis, but I truly believe that a beer with Adam & Eve in advance will shed some light on this!

Then me, God and the Meerlust! After a couple of bottles we should be talkative and friendly enough to share a few secrets. I will not bother him/her too much about the trial’s proceedings, as I expect that to be a rather touchy theme! However, I want to question God about the big bang contra his/her own creation of Adam & Eve… and what God thinks about Charles Darwin?! Then I will want to know which religious faction that tunes into his/her frequency?! If it’s the Catholic Church, I will make a confession right there and then. I will look him/her deep into the eyes and demand an explanation to why God let that thief into my house recently! With a satisfactory answer I will then confess all my dark and sinful thoughts concerning that thief and set my record straight – clean sheets! If God belong to a faction I’m not fully familiar with, I will at least find out what vanities we’re allowed!

Before we get too sloshed and unserious, I will apply for an apostle position. If God, with time, could also teach me to walk on water and give me some healing abilities that would be awesome.

With blue teeth and loads of alcohol on board we will probably pick up a ferocious appetite, human or God the same! I will take God to a nearby restaurant and find out which ones of his/her creations he/she will give consent to eat, and whether God is an omnivore, carnivore or strictly vegetarian?! If carnivore, then what about cows and pigs??

Before going separate ways, I will ask if God could grant me just one night’s sleep on cloud #9, and find out if it’s really as soft and heavenly as it sounds!

...truth, so help me (GOD)!

I was surprised to read in the newspaper recently that Charles Darwins theories was about to be introduced in the school syllabus for 11 and 12 grade pupils. At grade 11 and 12 you must be around 17 years old – about time I was thinking! By the time I was 15 we had to know the main characteristics of all the major religions + atheism and Darwinism. This was Norway 20 years ago where you had minimal chances of running into any religious orientations but Christianity, let alone monkeys at that time! In today’s South Africa, the Rainbow nation, Cradle of Human Kind and host to various species of monkeys, I’m surprised they haven’t forced the subject at a much earlier stage!

I remember how frustrated I was about having to learn about Hinduism. Today I’m married to a Hindu, although she is very laid back about it. What was the chance of a farmer boy from Norway would marry a South African Hindu girl though? Next to zero I’d say! Especially in a melting pot like South Africa I would think that it’s very important to teach the whole specter for tolerance’s sake!

The story about Jesus’ ascension, walking on water and healing powers was my first introduction to fiction as a young kid. I was watching TV pretty unsupervised, but didn’t fancy it much or believe any of it! It was much later that I picked up interest for Roald Dahl’s fiction and Douglas Adams even later. Still, Lucas and Marcus of the Bible was not my kind of fiction. Especially when people tried to convince me it was true – not fiction!

Now, many years later, I see an opportunity to set this straight once and for all! A guy in the US has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints! Not just any random chap, but a senator filed the lawsuit! I am SO tempted now to buy a ticket to follow this trial from the first row. No Olympic or World Cup could get close to this one. Who will defend God I wonder? My immediate thought is that the pope and the Catholic Church will provide a good lawyer, but that’s up to God to choose, isn’t it?! What a broadside to the Catholic Church it would be if God chose a protestant, or even a Hindu lawyer! What a spectacle that would make. I’m getting really excited already!

God’s choice of lawyer, and the lawyer’s religious standpoint would settle once and for all the eternal question about the one and only true God/religion, right?! I can see that my RDA-project (Religion Decision Aid), and extensive ongoing piece of work, could be a waste of time in a relatively short while. Although it will probably take a year or two before the trial can take place in the stuffed up American court system, I think I will put my exhaustive work on a hold for so long!

Anything but a Catholic lawyer will rob late Pope Pius of his expected saint status, wings and halo included! Not to mention all the saints who are already flapping around! They will be grounded properly, just like Nationwide Airline here in South Africa these days. Ouch, for a saint that must be worse than losing Olympic medals after cheating like Marion Jones and Ben Johnson I would guess!

The bookmakers must be preparing for bets and a feast of all times, and approaching all possible religious sects to bet on their on their one and only right belief! I think I will diversify my betting portfolio, risk averse as I am. Still, this is an opportunity to earn big bucks! I will put money on outsiders like Taoism and Shinto’s because the odds will no doubt be favorable. Counting the geographical origin of much of the God and Jesus spectacle, I will join Madonna and put some money on the Jewish branch (?) of Kabbala!

I am not a big gambler, but I would put every cent into a diversified religion portfolio bet. My only worry would be that God attacked the bookmakers like Jesus did with the merchants in the market place – then everything would be ruined! I am willing to take that risk though, for this once a lifetime opportunity!!

By the time the trial starts I will already be a rich man, but the fun is yet to come. As this lawsuit is a personal (or godly) attack on God himself, he/she will of course be forced to attend in person/godliness sooner or later. Being the senator’s lawyer I would not miss an opportunity to call God to the stand! Imagine God taking the oath; “I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – so help me (GOD)”!! That would be an awesome and memorable moment that would go down in history!

Also, you make a picture in your mind of people you talk to on the phone, and I’m sure it’s the same for people when they pray to God. Even atheists create a fictitious image of God! I believe I’m not alone when I picture an old wise man with white hair and long beard. There is of course a chance that God is in fact a busty babe. No matter what, beard or boobs, what a waste of accessories!! I’m almost sad on God’s behalf as he/she as nobody to share the “accessories” with in his/her eternal celibacy… but we don’t really know that, do we?! If Hinduism happened to be the one… it would be one hell of a party and no need to feel sorry! And how crowded the courtroom would be with all the Gods on trial!! This can easily become a debate on which god the prayer was directed to, or which god is responsible for this and that. Like in any call centre in big organisations it's important to get these things right, as it is part of the service quality. How can the gods leave us in limbo like this? Not very quality concious I must say, and what a complete lack of respect for their clients.

Journalists will of course be present! The lucky journalist(s) should not miss the opportunity to ask God about Darwin’s theories! How far advanced were Adam and Eve? Were they modern Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Neanderthals or Chimps?! The schools world wide, will in any event get to set the syllabus straight relatively soon! Then all the other heresy will be history to laugh at! I’m so excited I can hardly restrain myself!!

A beer with someone from history

If you could have a beer with someone from history, who would it be? Graham challenged me… so here goes!

Having a beer with any person existing before my own time would mean some kind of a time travel. I would therefore start at the beginning of time, with Adam and Eve. I would go to them, not the other way around… and there are lots of reasons for that. I would get to see The Garden of Eden, before it got corrupted… and maybe give them a word of advice that could change the world completely! A time travel in itself would also be awesome!!

First of all, I would tell them to stay away from that serpent (Satan)… and maybe even kill it! Satan would surely not give up and come back with some of his cunning… so I would definitely get rid of him once and for all! I would thereby hope that the serpent would not put ideas into Eve’s head… or anytime in the future!

Second I would tell them to stay away from that apple (God, testing his creations!) but that would still make it “forbidden fruit” and make it only more tempting… so maybe I would discretely steal it and eat it up out of their vision. Then I would dress them decent with some leafs, sit them down and have that beer… Carlsberg! We would talk about life in general… their lives. I would of course go along and give advice like a catholic priest and showing no sign of my corrupted future being that could rub off!!

I would do all of this in the hope that I could change the world that I myself live in and make it a better place for everybody. But would I really… By doing this I would kill, steal and introduce alcohol to Eden… all highly sinful stuff... so maybe I should abstain from that beer and that time travel after all?! By the time I made my way back the world would probably have gone under due to my early influence!!

As an alternative I would have some absinth with Nostrodamus. I would give him a book on the world history from his time up to my time… and let him point out his visions! But that would only mean focusing on all the shit that’s happened… so I would probably finish the bottle myself and leave him with the book!!

Update on the RDA project!

"It is safer to believe in God, even if there is no definitive proof that God exists!"; Pascal's Wager!

Choice of religion must not be taken lightly… The spiritual market is vast and hard to get an overview of. Imagine if you go through your whole life praying, chanting and going to services… then as you exit this life you realize that your religion and your god is not there for you the way you expected… It was actually another god… or another religion that could have helped you out much better! How sad… Or, imagine if there is only one god… and you sent all your prayers to the wrong address through all your life… to a fake god that can do f**k all! You see my point? Life… and especially religion is a gamble, so you should make damn sure you have all the pros and cons presented to you… and that’s where my one pager summary comes in.

Obviously if a religion stands out as SO much better than all the rest, then there is reason for suspicion, right?! As my RDA-tool develops I will of course come up with a way to filter out the fraudulent religions and cheaters. I’m thinking about a kind of lie detector test… The problem is that these instruments work well on people… It is highly possible also those members of a religion are so completely brainwashed that they truly believe… and thus cannot be taken for a liar and a cheat. The real crooks are of course the founders. Religions are ancient stuff though, and none of the founders are still alive I believe… Left are only the practitioners that are more or less fanatic… and none of them are testing material. There are only believers left – some believe in the right thing and the rest of the lot waste their time and efforts.

Isn’t that the ultimate betrayal? As you are floating between life and death you realize (a bit late) that your door to Heaven or Nirvana or whatever is not there! Your whole life has been in vain… actually worse than in vain if Hinduism should happen to be the right one. As you have worshipped the wrong god(s) your whole life, your karma can not be very great after your last lap of heresy. The top lawyer is reborn as a pig because he gambled on the wrong religion for instance… Ok, bad example maybe, since there could be a number of other reasons for a lawyer’s bad karma and downgrade.

My RDA project is a way for people to feel more secure, but the long time goal is of course to get the religion lie detector to work. That will be the Nirvana of the whole RDA project. Then we have eventually ruled out all the others and can all concentrate on the one and only religion. This is a futuristic project of course, and needs to measure more than just heartbeat, pulse and sweat… For this I have contacted NASA, Ghost Busters and a UFO-organization in the US. With our combined efforts I am sure we will get there in very short time!

"The world of poetry, mythology, and religion represents the world as a man would like to have it, while science represents the world as he gradually comes to discover it." (Joseph Wood Krutch)

I consider myself part of the science part here… and will hopefully exclude the religions that man conveniently made up. I have started an important piece scientific work!!

Religion Decision Aid (RDA) – Hinduism update

I just had my Bengal Spice Tea and remembered some Hinduism stuff that I read on the plane back to South Africa recently. Since I gave Hinduism such a low rating I thought it appropriate and fair to consider this new piece of information in the Religion Decision Aid (RDA) rating. Some of the reason for the low rating was of course the complexity of Hinduism as explained and the multiple times you have to go through hell before you can get out of the eternal life cycle of rebirths. All this is of course a very tiring process to go through over and over again. Some clever Hindu god though, because I Assume that it was one of the gods, came up with the idea of making the river Ganges holy. The great thing about Ganges is that if you have a bath there it will take 7years off your karma! It’s a shortcut in other words. You get less hassle with the heavens and hells before your up and coming rebirth… or if you’re lucky to be already high up on the ladder it might be your ticket to moksha, or Nirvana in other words. I think it’s really great to have a shortcut like this.

My assumption about the creation of this shortcut is only partly true though. It was a wise man of flesh and blood that started it. He had such a good karma that he could ask the gods for a favor. The river Ganges was originally running through heaven only. The wise man Bhagiratha obviously had a very good memory from one of his earlier lives and time in heaven… and remembered the Ganges. His wish was that Ganges could flow on earth. Shiva granted him this wish and let it flow right past the place he was living. So it wasn't just about making it holy, or doing a simple redirection of a stream from one valley to another. He needed a godly favor fir sure. Millions of Hindus are now doing their pilgrimage to Ganges. Of course the karma thing is important. If it was me though, and me being a Hindu of course, I would make an extra effort to track down the wise man Bhagiratha in his reborn and present shape to thank him of all my heart. I assume of course that his karma was pretty exhausted after he redirected Ganges to earth. After spending all the credits from his karma account he must still be among us… as a pig or a monk depending on his initial karma balance and the cost of Ganges of course. Really generous of him I must say. In my mind the wise man is like Jesus who took on all the responsibility for all us sinners. Bhagiratha made it possible for everybody to escape quite a few hells along the way.

This will of course increase the Hinduism rating on my RDA! Hinduism is obviously not a static religion either… they add new features when needed or when the gods have been extra kind. This is a big plus! It also means that my RDA one pager cannot be a finished and done project when I’ve worked my way through all the religions. It will be a dynamic and living document in constant development. My job will become a nightmare if every little wise man like Bhagiratha will knock on my door and apply for a reconsideration of his religion and the added features. I think the gods messengers on earth could be a good starting point. The pope would obviously represent Christianity then. If all the Hindu gods all have a messenger on earth, this will of course be unfair to Christianity and all the other religions with fewer representatives.

In any event this will be a lot of work for one man. I can see it growing into a big organization. Especially if Hinduism will come with all the gods’ messengers I will need quite a few consultants to take off some of the workload. The problem is that I could not employ a Hindu or a Christian for such a position. It would have to be someone totally unaffected with religion and unbiased in any way possible. Like me! I know we Stensby’s are unique. Maybe I should start looking for that specific Stensby gene that makes us impenetrable to religion and spirituality and thus an ideal candidate as a RDA-consultant? In any event I can see that this can be nothing but a family business. It’s like having all the production rights for food… a pretty basic thing for survival and at the very foundation of Maslows hierarchy of needs. Just a bit higher up in the hierarchy you find the need for beliefs and religion… and that’s the Stensby domain! The Stensby Klondike!

Although Hinduism has not figured out how to beat Christianity and Islam it’s quite a competitive religion still. Hinduism is to religion what Beckham is to football. Just check out the Om sign. Om is the holiest of all sounds to a hindu… even more so than the bellowing of the holy cow. If you have ever seen the Om sign though, it could just as well been printed on Beckhams shirt… or be the result of a football game. I always thought it looked like 30 or 3-0, but never dared to mention it to anybody. I was shocked to find that it’s true though (3 for the trinity of creation, preservation and destruction, and zero for the quietness of the amalgamation with god)… or 3 to Hinduism and zero for Islam.

ME - A Freelance Hinduism Consultant

Ok, I realize that my RDA (Religion Decision Aid) project is gonna take some time. It's not done just like that! Actually I think I could do a few doctorates along the way. In short - I am struggling big time on my first religion! Just getting an overview of the gods, what they can do for you and how you worship them is an exhausting task. I still remember the story about Shiva and his woman though... the juicy story about how she took on 9 different shapes to get him... and their 1300 acrobatic positions. If all the gods had equally interesting stories, I'm sure it would be like a breeze and be done in no time. Unfortunately some of these guys are quite dull and nothing much to write about... can't really understand their function in the complete Hindu picture either. What are they good for anyway? I'm sure they could erase a few gods/deities to make it... tidier for a novice like me. Imagine all the Hindu wannabes who just loose faith completely when faced with this chaos of gods?! I think I will contact the CEO of Hinduism and address this problem. That's obviously why they are lagging behind Christianity (2 billion) and Islam (1,8billion)... with a mere 950mill fans only! Christianity and Islam is just easier to grasp for people that's all.

With my insight so far I could offer my services to the board of Hinduism as a consultant. The first thing I would do is slash some gods... and make it say 2-6 gods as opposed to "I don't know how many" today. Even for a long time settled Hindu it's hard to keep track, so they drop out. And where do you think they're going... converting to Islam and Christianity of course. What is left is only the fanatics! For a sustainable religion though you need the broad masses... the average Joe's to stay and feel like they are capable and on top of their religion. If 950mill Hindus today are mainly the fanatics - imagine what a potential they've got! They will pretty much drain Christianity, Islam and the rest if they can just trigger the masses! That's where I come into the picture. With less gods and just commercializing the whole thing a bit, we should be there in a generations time. That's pretty short time considering how long they've struggeled for the 950millions. I think I can leave the RDA project and specialize instead... and still make big bucks. The future is bright indeed!! When I'm done reshaping and giving Hinduism a facelift with a new image as I picture it now, I might even convert myself.

Some of the figures used here and in my last post are taken from the book; God-101. The author Allan W Janssen sent me a copy of the book. I think he and I got one or two things in common. It's a damn good read! Amusing, Interesting and factual all in one! True to god - I promise!!

Religion Decision Aid - RDA!!

I've been unusually concerned with religions lately. Particularly Hinduism, since I've attended some Hindu festivals and functions lately. So, curious now, I took it one step further and did some research on what Hinduism is all about, ref Heaven and Hell. I found it quite interesting although I don't find all of the Hindu customs overly appealing. I guess it's the same with religions as with so many other things - you have to take the good with the bad. In any event I thought I can't be too judgemental. After all it's the only religion I know anything about by now... apart from Christianity, the Norwegian state church. I had this brilliant idea that I could do some comparative research on the biggest and most popular religions. In that way I could make a Religion Index... or score card to see the pros and cons clearly. People need this kind of thing as your choice of religion is not like buying groceries... or at least it shouldn't be, god forbid!

Lee Iacocca (Ex CEO of Ford and Chrysler) always said that any report should be funneled down to a one page summary for him to bother to read it. He refused to read exhausting long reports. I admired Lee Iacocca after reading his autobiography. So now, in Lee Iacocca's spirit, I want to make a one page comparative summary of all the major religions. It's a groundbreaking piece of work, I'm sure of it, and very important to people around the world. It actually amazes me that such a thing doesn't exist already. What the hell have all the religious people been doing all this time. They are so enthralled with their own beliefs and don't bother about anything else. But wouldn't it be a natural thing for a religion to try to claim a larger portion of the worlds believers, and in that way become more powerful? I know at least one religion that in my mind seem to have a quite aggressive approach... What bothers me is that the other ones don't seem to fight back. This could be like an american election... only worldwide and about your choice of religion for the coming year. Then my one page summary/score-card would come in very handy, no doubt about it. Well, even today I think it should be a human right, together with the rest of the "rights" from the UN or Amnesty International or wherever... to have this onepager to make your choice easier. I believe too many people are never presented with all the facts about other religions and therefore make a bad decision. I can help these poor souls! Maybe I can even sell it and make big bucks?! Religion has always been big business... and how ironic that this could be my highway to fame and riches. Me - a Stensby?! Hahahaha!!

I am quite happy about my reports about Hinduism so far... I just have to sew the Kavady festival thing together with the heaven and hell thing... and make it complete sort of. But my god... or I should probably say gods (plural!!!). It's a big mess! I haven't figured out where all the Hindu gods fit in yet. You've got Shiva, Brahma, Krishna, Hanuman (monkeygod), Ganesha (elephantgod), Vishnu and my favourite Lord Murugan - yet there are still many more. I thought it was a sin to have more than one god in this day and age... and that most up to date religions had boiled it down to one god only. Obviously I've been terribly mistaken! Even more reason for my one pager!

It could serve as a popularity index as well I'm sure. It's a well known fact that people don't want to make unpopular choices. So maybe it feels safer when you know that 2 billion other people around the world made the same choice as you. It's basic consumer behavior. After your purchase you're alert and looking for any kind of confirmation to tell you that you did the right thing. You want to know that all your neighbours also picked Hinduism, and they're gonna praise you for it! I know, only the weak loosers would choose according to such popularity factors, but get real. There are millions of loosers out there who needs exactly this thing, and I'm gonna sell my one-pager especially to that part of the market, hehe. I'm sure my religion-index would make some friction between some of the competing religions as well. If there are no election campaigns already, I'm sure my one-pager will change that quite soon. All the priests, bishops, ayatollahs and popes will fight for your membership to improve their ranking on my index. It's gonna be awesome!!!

I should decide on the most crucial factors when choosing your religion. Sort of key factors that I can rate each religion up against each other. Heaven(s) and Hell(s) are obviously very important. Your choice of god also I guess... or gods I should say. Are they nice... or strict... or will he/she/they give you some slack? Of course also, how often would you have to pray, attend services... and pull chariots and that kind of things? Anything that can add stress to your already tight schedule must be considered. A pain/no pain homage to serve your god(s)?? I could of course add more factors with time... I have something to start with at least - can't wait! Here is my first sketch... giving you an impression of how the one-pager score card is gonna look. I've named it RDA for now! Religion Decision Aid - RDA!!

Heaven and Hell

I am an agnostic or atheist, although a member of the Norwegian state church - a Christian! A hypocrite in other words. It's the Christianity that has been closest (and put the most pressure to convert me), and where my natural mind frame lies... In Christianity we/they've got heaven and hell... used to pressure you to join... and the two somewhat different end stations are there waiting for you! Recently I've been so enthralled with Kavady festival in the Hindu community here in South Africa... and now I've been wondering about the Hindu concepts of heaven and hell.

It's really hard to choose religion when they are so very different. Even though I'm an agnostic/atheist (never remember which is which, but it's a pretty approximate description still), I've sensed the spirituality creeping in on me. So I thought in case I should want to pick a religion in the future some time, I might as well do some exploratory research. To make the choice easier of course. Obviously the choice of heaven and hell you'll be faced with are crucial factors when deciding on a religion and cannot be taken easily! Considering my track record so far... I'm most concerned about hell, so that's a natural starting point in my research. In any event I'll have to do some time there... long story!

I overheard this guy talking... and he had been to an astrologer specializing in reincarnation. The astrologer told him that he had been in hell in a past life, and this was why he was afraid of fire. From what I know, the reincarnation is totally a Hindu thing. They get reborn, hopefully in a higher level... social class or cast than in the last attempt. This guy had been in hell!! But hey... he got out of it, and now he's starting again with clean sheets! Only a short stop in hell... drive-through hell... or hell in transit sort of?! What kind of hell is that? Barely purgatory if you ask me... where you get blow torched a bit for past sins... and then you're off again. It would suit me fine! It's like the catholics. They confess their sins to the priest inside the little cottage... and then everything is well again... your crime register is wiped out. In countries where the catholic church is also the state church, they obviously synchronize the church crime register with that of the police. Thus you are properly off the hook and uncorrupted like a virgin angel again. I'd say the catholic way is very appealing... Much more so than the Hindu and the Christian protestant way. I mean, why not get over and done with it in your present life... off your shoulders so that you don't risk any health hazards... manic depressive caused by your own bad conscience or something ironic like that! Ok, that was a little Catholic detour, but enough about that.

The Hindu hell (and heaven) is a bit like tracking down Lord Murugan for my Kavady research... it exist... and then it doesn't after all according to another source. There are no concepts of hell (Narka) in the Vedas and Upanishads... but in the Puranas you do find it. In the Bhagvad Purana a number of descriptions of various activities, and the hells you will go to when they take place, are given. Note the plural of hell!! Furthermore is a long story about what kind of karmas will lead to what kind of births... This must be the reincarnation that are based on your track record. Wouldn't it be nice to combine some catholicism here to clean your record in advance to ensure a top reincarnation?! Although several hells are mentioned in Bhagvad Purana, it's a common belief that hell is a concept that crept into Hinduism from other cultures... Cultures with beliefs that were more inn (fashionable) at the time. I derive from this that the Puranas may have been fiddled with at some stage... or maybe some oral channels corrupted it before it was put down on paper. I will therefore take the Puranas with a good pinch of salt. In any event, who the hell would choose Hinduism with SEVERAL HELLS?! Hinduism is already low on my ranking. Hindus must be bloody masochists!!

Unlike in the Christian tradition where the words are taken quite literally... you can not do that in Hinduism. There are so many facets in between the lines that a tradition of teaching is needed to avoid misunderstanding. What you find in the one book/script is rejected in another. By the time you understand, you are in a serious state of schizophrenia. I'm just accumulating some keywords here... You know, pros and cons, to make the decision easier in the end. So far I've got; multiple hells, masochists and schizophrenia. I'm sure it will pick up!

If you where missing any blog posts recently, then it was because the following stuff was a bit hard to grasp for me. A lot of research... and consideration, doubts and reconsiderations of findings was going through my processor. To understand properly, you have to accept the various levels of conception of the individual. There is the gross physical level, the subtle mental level, and the pure level of awareness. The physical body is not going anywhere. Except maybe 6 feet under and you rot, or you burn on a raft... and that's the end of it. None of the hells are situated on earth either, so the physical part is irrelevant. Pure awareness, or Atman, is beyond the cycle of rebirth and death (as explained consistently in all of the scriptures). Shame - you overdid it in other words, stuck in a dead end and cannot travel anywhere, for there is nowhere for your Atman to go. I really hope that it's possible to make a u-turn and find your way back to the "subtle body" offramp though. Otherwise Atman must be just another hell altogether. Because it's the "subtle body" the scriptures are talking about travelling to heavens and hells after death, and then returning to earth to be reborn after discharging its collected karma. This reminds me of some computer games I've played where you need to collect a certain number of points or treasures or whatever to get to the next level. Maybe computer games could be a good way of marketing Hinduism actually... the real geeks would have no problem to fathom this. Reality series also maybe, but it would probably be hard to follow the "subtle body" to hell and back.

The subtle body is not going anywhere either though. What a bloody disappointment! It is just a collection of your mental instruments. These instruments include the mind (manas, not mañana), the faculty of discrimination (buddhi), and the ego (ahankara). Heaven and hell are states of mind, not places you may go to for pleasure or pain. It is a state of mind upon death... and before rebirth... but also during life. Heaven and Hell are according to the puranas only temporary states to existence to exhaust karma, not at all a final and permanent locked up condition. So when someone tells you they are going through hell... that is Hinduistically speaking quite possible! Since Heaven and Hell are only temporary pitstops though, you might wonder what comes next. Beyond Heaven and Hell is the unconditional bliss of Nirvana - a sort of Super-Heaven. Nirvana (Moksha) is the true purpose in life for a Hindu. So there is a final stage in Hindu as well, they just make it a bit more complicated. You go to Heaven and Hell to get your rewards and punishments according to your life-record and the severness of the incidents. Only then, when you have served your accumulated time in both Heaven and Hell, you can approach Nirvana.

Summing up:
You can get out of Hell, only a temporary thing: 10 points!
Would like to stick around in Heaven for awhile longer though: -2 points
H&H pitstops through multiple lives -10 points!
Multiple hells, masochistic, schizophrenia -10 points!
Complex religion & philosophy - 2 points
Computer Game-like philosophy 10 points!
Nirvana Super-Heaven 10 points!
Total points: 6 points

Ok, the following definitions are not my own. "Somebody" made me go through all 7 hindu hells because of these definitions. I found them somewhere, I don't know where anymore, and thought it was a bit fun... so don't give me a hard time about these ones.

Definition of Hell:
If you're having an American wife, Indian salary, Chinese car and German food.

Definition of Heaven:
If you're having an Indian wife, American salary, Chinese food and German car.

Christian preacher/Hindu conversation:
Preacher: "You will go to hell (being a Hindu)"!
Hindu: "Dear Sir, why I should go to a Christian hell, when we Hindus have seven hells to go to."
The poor preacher is gaping in awe!

Satanic verses

Ok, I’m finally fulfilling my pre-kavady resolution here… and put some flesh to the bone on the Kavady information pool. Kavady is not just Kavady! You’ve got the one back in jan/feb, the one that got lost in assumptions, which is actually called the Thai Poosam Kavady or just Thaipusam. Thaipusam is celebrated in the Tamil month of Thai (Jan/Feb) on the full moon day when the constellation “Pusam” is on the ascend. In effect they’ve got some astronomers telling them when the “Pusam” is right, and then they are waiting for one hell of a full moon party!

I wonder if the Pusam thing and the “earth, moon & sun” alignment ever coincide? That must be a rare occasion - damn rare I’m sure! With all that gravitational pull it would pretty much be a reversing of Ascension Day. Imagine, Jesus being pulled back from heaven… trying to hold on up there somewhere… Oh no, sorry! Got a bit carried away there. Taipusam is dedicated to Murugan of course… not any of my fanatical Christian beliefs! I don’t think Murugan did any major leap like Jesus though – not any that I know of at least, so 1-0 to Jesus there.

Research about this Murugan fellow has been a frustrating hunt. It’s like the name suddenly disappears in the middle of the text and you think you’re reading about some other guy… But the simple truth is that, he was so much loved and was called by so many different names… thereof (the one and true origin!) the expression “Loved ones have many names”. Murugan or Muruga (that one was easy to figure out) had some more far fetched names also, like Kartikeyan, Kumaran, Shanmukha, Skanda and Subramanian. No wonder I got confused only a few lines down in the Koran!! Any way, Murugan is the God of war and the patron deity of the Tamil land. That makes me wonder why all the Indians left India in the 1860’s to come here to sugar sweet South Africa, when they had such a good protector there at home? Was it only the sweet tooth??

The whole idea of Kavady actually made so much sense to me in my Christian mind-frame. It’s like Jesus on the cross, when he took all the blame and all the suffering on behalf of all of us sinners. Now Thaipusan Kavady is sort of a light-version where any ding-dong guy can take a load off the neighbor’s shoulders… But no again! The carrying of Kavady symbolizes the carrying of one’s burden and then resting it at the feet of the Lord. So Kavady IS a kind of burden, but there are some great benefits of dedicating your Kavady to Murugan instead of Jesus. Murugan stretches quite far and he actually promise you that the benefits of your offering (a piercing and a vow – big deal!) will be a million fold greater than the self inflicted pain. Wow – who wouldn’t want that? Even the smallest offering would become a decent reward!

Imagine if my forefathers back in Norway had the choice between Jesus and Murugan! Holy Olav would surely threaten to decapitate you by the slightest sign of hesitation… But Murugan is the God of War, and could surely protect his fans! To make the choice easier I think they should use the old Viking tradition of “Holmgang”. You basically put the disputants, Jesus and Murugan, on an island where they can fight until one is dead. Then you don’t have to worry so much about the dead and apparently much weaker god. The surviving party, according to the tradition, was always the one that was right in the dispute… so this should ensure a good choice for my forefathers in the end! But Jesus was such a pacifist so I’m sure Holy Olav would take his place on the island. That’s 1 for Murugan and draw 1-1 so far since Jesus was such a coward. At least then people could watch the match and feel safe that they chose the right god… But wow, that fight would really have been something, huh? I know it’s hard to predict or even imagine the outcome of this fight… But they did it on Discovery Channel, when they put shark against crocodile and other predators also up against each other. They could simply make a dummy of Holy Olav and Murugan… then feed the computers with Olav’s sword fighting skills and Murugan’s war-god abilities… and voila – the fight is on! I wonder what the bookmakers odds would have been back in the days? People placing their bets would probably hope for Murugan with the unimaginable million fold riches as well as from the bookmaker! Yes, all the money would probably go that way anyway… The best thing would be to plead allegiance with Holy Olav (secure your head) and bet for Murugan, and hope that Olav will never find out…

Back to the Kavady rite! You’re supposed to do this out of love of course. These days though, people are shallower and many do it more out of fear than the love… People do it to avoid a great calamity in the family and such things. It’s insurance basically. You’ve got Kavady and Sanlam and the rest. So it’s the same motivation whatever you choose really… beg to keep your head! Wrong again… Murugan has so much more to offer. When you offer the kavady you get so intoxicated with the love of God that your inner spiritual chamber is open. Now you will eventually reach “Para Bhakti” – supreme devotion! Para Bhakti is good for YOU – not just Murugan’s poll! For the Stensby clan though I think a draw, 1-1, would suit us well! Neutral is good!

Almost forgot… the Kavady can be a thick balancing stick held over your shoulders. In either end of the stick the Kavady holds milk or honey that they later on, once inside the temple, pour over the statue of Murugan. This is a mild (chicken!) Kavady. It is believed that the more effort and hardship applied when carrying the Kavady, the more benevolent Lord Murugan will be towards fulfilling his devotee’s needs. That’s why some of the Kavady bearers do it as a sadhana! These guys are the ones that perform the juicy and weird stuff that you really want to see! Sadhana means that they impose various sorts of self torture upon themselves. Not like pinching themselves… but much more inventive stuff. Some brighties shove a sharp Vel through their tongue or cheeks… and it is made so that it protrudes out of the mouth. This will of course prevent him from speaking. It is believed to give great power of endurance and remembrance of God. It is easy to see that the excruciating pain can make you hallucinate and easily be misinterpreted as the intoxicating love… Anybody with a slightest bit of sanity (still with a strong belief though) left would then beg fanatically to reach Para Bhakti and some relief from the pain.

Another cool thing that can be seen during Kavady is the pulling of Rath, or beautifully decorated carts, through the streets. These guys must be the elite of penitents, as they pierce their flesh with hooks and strings in order to pull the cart. Obviously an instant Para Bhakti activity – just imagine what kind of cruelties those guys must have done… I mean, to do something so extreme in order to rectify it… Or they are scared of the retribution that they have coming for them… Your’re basically taking out a Kavady insurance. Then after the Kavady is over, instead of retributions, you will receive some tinfish curry on your door. The tinfish curry is of course the hindu equivalent of the Italian fish wrapped in a newspaper. When you can smell the tinfish on your door, then you know that you are “off the hook” and you can let down your shoulders and carry on with your sinful everyday life. A well protected secret is that the hindu mafiaboss is called a guru. They most definitely do not practice what they preach, but they’ve got a very good cover. These days people attach so many different and mostly positive values to anybody with the title guru, that they can pretty much do what they want and get away with it as a guru. It’s actually a prime example of marketing and perception.

Since Thai Poosam Kavady is set in jan/feb… I’ve been on a mission to find out what the full name of the Kavady around Easter time is. So far though, I have not been successful in finding it. It seems I might have to leave this question open until I’ve paid the Kavady festival a visit and ask around. For now it will have to do with just “Easter Kavady”. Whatever information I have found on the subject is that firewalking, or walking on glowing coal, seems to be an important thing. Maybe it’s to show your devotion to the God of war or something… that you are willing to go through hell for him… I am sure this will bring you quite quickly to Para Bakhti and humiliating begging for relief once again.

I’ll call it quits for now… and now you know pretty much all that’s worth knowing about the Thaipusam Kavady! I will consider doing a masters degree on the subject or go into Lord Murugans army of devoted soldiers… as I am apparently a prime source of information/knowledge on the matter already… ref “Self Googling”!!