Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hot Skando Babes Ltd

Scientists have combined psychology, neurology, economy and gaming theories and developed what they have named Behavioral Economics. One of the founding fathers, Daniel Kahnemann, got the Nobel prize in economics in 2002. Since existing economic models and theories are unable to explain the finance crisis we needed something new.

A number of books on the area are already out there, but Dan Ariely’s “Predictable Irrationality – The hidden forces that shape our decisions” is one of the important ones. He has asked male students to describe themselves when sexually aroused, and whether they would put dope in the drink to get a woman to bed when they are horny, amongst other things. Afterwards though, they are asked to answer the same questions whilst masturbating over an issue of Playboy. The guys were 136% more willing to participate in immoral activities. Duh!!

The founding fathers of Hot Skando Babes Ltd (HSB), myself & Beaverboosh, has suspected this since puberty, and conducted a series of similar market analyses over years, ahead of the launch last year. Managers in the biggest banks and multinational companies like Enron, Société Générale, Lehman Brothers, Citibank, Bear Stearns, AIG and Stanford Bank just to name a few contributed. The global list of participants is of course too long to include here. Our testing universe was extensive in order to make a representative selection of the entire worlds (old school) market economy. We were able to do this in such a large scale because the market analysis in itself proved to be extremely profitable. We simply put a Hot Skando Babe on the manager’s lap and asked questions as to how far (immorally) they would go in order to “get her”. Trained Skando Babes conducted the interview themselves so that a third interviewer would not affect the answers and credibility. The conclusion was that Hot Skando Babes Ltd is fit to thrive in today’s increasingly ruthless business world. Word of mouth and private networking has helped Hot Skando Babes a lot. On our regulars list of excellent businessmen who recommends Hot Skando Babes we've got Eliot Spitzer, Jérôme Kerviel, Marc Dreier and Bernard Madoff among many others.Dan Ariely used Playboy issues picturing Hot Skando Babes and similar methods as we used and thus reached the same conclusions. Our research though, was conducted on a decision making level (not pennyless students) and a much more profitable segment. Dan Ariely is clearly a copycat, and I am very hurt that we were not even credited in his research papers and recent book. Never mind a Nobel prize in economic theory!

Hot Skando Babes Ltd had however built up sufficient funds through our market analyses to do a global launch last year, and the business has been booming. Dan Ariely has of course made good money on his book violating our research copy rights and Hot Skando Babe’s good name and reputation. Hot Skando Babes Ltd has however decided not to sue Dan Ariely. Instead the board has decided to kill him with kindness and send over a Hot Skando Babe to his office.

In a pursuit to explain our fabulous success we have so far found a correlation between HSB revenues and the decline in the global stockmarkets. This is of course intriguing and our Skando Babe analysts are still busy deciphering these remarkable findings. When it comes to customer satisfaction we have achieved immediate and short term top scores. The long term customer satisfaction is however challenging to say the least, and this will be our main focus in the coming months. One of the measures is to install hidden cameras to analyze the client interaction. We believe this will provide important new information that we can use to u-turn this negative trend. In the mean while, we wish all our clients wealth and happiness and that we can avoid the brewing war. After all, their success is our success!

Mutant war

The Brazilian president, Luiz Inacio ”Lula” da Silva has blamed ”blue eyed white people” for the financial crisis. I feel hurt and seriously offended since I fit strikingly into this group. It is scientifically explained that blue eyes came about as a mutation 6-10.000 years ago. Lula is using the financial crisis to attack a group that he apparently bears grudge against – me and my fellow mutants! I wonder why though? Did he ever meet a Hot Skando (mutant) Babe? Why does this sound so familiar? History is repeating itself of course, just like in the documentaries I saw recently about the X-men.Jews, mutants or any other group… it’s easy and convenient to join the warmonging mob during times of crisis. People need to blame somebody, and it surely doesn’t help that the Hot Skando (mutant) Babes are outperforming everybody else. I can see crystal clear that this is brewing up to a war. Lula will wipe us out if he gets a chance. We can no longer rely on much support from the US government like we had for the last two periods. Yes, Bush was a blue eyed blond undercover mutant. Nobody had a clue whilst he was in office. In retrospect though, hindsight is of course 20/20. Anyway, this will be the next world war – mutants against the rest.Our mutation was very successful though, so we’re not a small group. The X-men had Xavier with his telepathic abilities to locate and gather the mutants. It is my calling to gather the blue eyed mutants, but telepathy and mindreading is not my area of expertise. I might not need to since our characteristic mutation can easily be picked out from the crowd. I will look out for undercover agents with blue contact lenses and dyed hair though. A control question from "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" will smoke out enemy spies. The Hot Skando Babes are already organized and the infrastructure and logistics ready set up, so we should be prepared in relatively short time. This is WAR! We’re ready for you Lula, bring it on!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Evolution in theories

Charles Darwin and evolution has frequented the media more lately than ever when he was alive. We're celebrating his 200th birthday and his theories that most people, except religious fanatics, still regard as the true answer. Some claim that “Origin of the Species” could have celebrated 170 years (not 150 years) if Charles wasn’t scared to upset his religious wife. The pope will probably agree to call this the year of the rat (or some lesser being) because of all the troublesome noise it whirls up.

Darwin took interest in Malthus’ theories on the population’s development. Malthus was against charity and social welfare as it was interfering with nature and would only worsen the problem. William Wilberforce and his abolitionist movement (against slavery) must have been real trouble causers in his eyes. Darwin though, realized that the struggle for existence was more than charity could deal with, but Maltus’ theories and numbers were still intriguing.Malthus calculated that the world’s population would double every 25 years if it continued to grow unchecked. Rather an exponential development I would think, like the rabbit case down under. Darwin saw that this did not happen because there was already a struggle for existence. Darwin’s conclusions were based on population figures back then. What about today then? I remember the world population number being 4 billion people (maybe 25 years ago), and today I hear it’s 6.7 billion. The Chinese people where numerous but poor before. With the shift in the global economy, I predict that hardwired ($$$) Chinese women will be ever so willing. We are certainly getting closer to Malthus’ calculations by the day. So maybe Malthus was right after all. If it wasn’t for the plague, powerty, wars and AIDS… we would have been the rabbit case long time ago!

While Darwin’s published works contained his theories and principles, his personal letters showed disregard and contempt towards neighboring people even on the British Isles. After putting my own views on a tough test in the post Apartheid South Africa, it would have been interesting to have a beer with (someone from history) Darwin and Malthus in the shabeens in today’s Soweto or Diepsloet. Would they reinstate Apartheid?

So, Darwin didn’t necessary cheer for every single twist and turn on the social status ladder, even though they could prove fit with his own theories. Still, I wonder if Darwin didn’t just express his own prejudiced attitudes. His very religious wife who held him on a short leash for many years is obviously reflected. All the built up anger and frustrations tailored his theories against his wife and higher powers. That’s just how the mind works. Poor depraved man. You have to know the man to understand how his ideas came about. Nurtured through prejudice and vengeance, that’s all.

For 150 years now we have confirmed and proved to ourselves in every possible way that evolution is the answer – not God. It’s like when you want confirmation that you did the right thing when you bought that overly expensive new car… or how every famous dude in history made theories that complied with the bible. I don’t find the genie or the monkey theory very appealing. I think it’s time to think outside the box (forget God and evolution) and come up with some better stories… a new truth that we can convince ourselves to believe in for at least another 50-100 years. Given the times of economic depression, I believe I can monetize on a new and more appealing theory. Since Hot Skando Babes Ltd is doing so well, it could maybe help explain a new and sexier theory…

"Never allow a good crisis to go to waste" - Rahm Emanuel (Barrack Obama administration)