Thursday, November 22, 2007


Hell, my life is so fucking exciting these days I can make 3 full sasons of high quality TV entertainment! It would be a mix between Prison Break, CSI and Days of our lives. It would KO anything else on TV! The fact is that half the excitement could kill you due to alarmingly high blood pressure.

I am so fucking worked up and angry right now! Somebody got into our property this morning and stole 3 laptops and a cellphone. Somehow they have managed to open the gate and get in. Next step was to choose one of the 3 units, which happened to be ours in the back. This happened at 06.45 in the morning whilst we are walking around inside the house getting ready for school and work.

My wife is sitting outside on the patio having a smoke, then goes to the bathroom to get ready. At the same time my 10 year old daughter notices a black man looking in through the window, obviously scouting and looking for an opportunity. Next door he has already passed the office window and seen our laptops. My daughter calls the maid; “Somebody is looking for you Martha”, alternatively thinking it could be a new garden boy. She then runs upstairs to change into her school uniform. Meanwhile the thief takes the opportunity to walk in through the patio, the kitchen, the lounge and into the study for the loot. On the way out he meets the maid in the kitchen, greets her nicely “hello”, and walks out. Martha was shocked, and before any of us knew it, he was gone. A brand new red Golf GTI was seen parked outside the gate 30-45min earlier.

Money and material goods are replacable. What else could have happened is more alarming. The guy was brave enough to go inside in daylight when people are walking around inside the house. What if somebody surprised him properly and blocked his escape route? How far would he have gone to get away?! Very far I’m afraid judging from the stories I hear in this country! When you take such a risk, you must be prepared for all possibilities. I am quite convinced he had a gun or knife, in case! I am happy we did not loose any family members today. I’d say we were fortunate despite the incident! A thief like that, I would not mind killing 10 times if inside my house!

3 times now during a year in South Africa I’ve been robbed. The 2 last months has been a bloody wild west! I actually miss my “civilized” home country where a burglary is national news in all the media. People are generally nice there! You don’t have to watch your back every second of the day and barricade yourself inside your own house. I am SO bloody sick and tired, frustrated and angry.

The complete and utter hatred and anger is hard to handle right now! I don’t know where to direct it. I miss this thief’s face as a punching bag. I have shouted, screamed and yelled at everybody around me, family and police included for petty little things. I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me right now, but the police properly deserved it all!! They arrived 1 hour 15 minutes after the incident… which is late enough… then after 3 hours the police arrives again not knowing somebody had already been there to open a docket. Worse still is that upset as we were the police lady started shouting at me because she had to wait at the gate… The intercom didn’t work, but it didn’t strike her that it could have been tampered with by the thief. Besides we did not expect any more police by that time, and they had our phone number to get in. Second time she went on about the intercom I exploded right in her face, shouted and swore at her and threw them out – kicked out the police!

I am ready to kill the next unfamiliar face I see inside my house in a gruesome manner unless they’ve made an appointment with me for a very good reason. Better safe than sorry and no questions asked! The policeman that came later in the day for fingerprints gave me advice… off the record I assume it must have been. “You can kill the thief inside your own house. But make sure he is dead, because otherwise he will come for you. You must do it properly!” I’m taking one step back and thinking, this guy is a policeman… I level with the guy though! So far, I’ve been concerned with prevention and keeping the tsotsi’s away. When that’s useless, then you better think of ways to annihilate efficiently any threat to your family!

At some point it gets serious, and you gotta stop joking about Crossbows and harpoon guns and get down to business like your intruder. I am happy nobody was killed today. Next time we’ll flip in around and make sure only a miracle can save the intruders life! A permit and whatever it takes is an insignificant hurdle!

I wish the whole world could be advised to stay away and not fuck with my family! Unfortunately the whole world is not reading this blog, and it’s not especially targeted at the rogue segment of the population either! Maybe I must make an example of the next uninvited guest. I’m reading about the early Africa explorers facing tribes who put their enemies’ heads on poles outside the village! Moulay Ismail, a self proclaimed sultan in Morocco, was given hundreds of sets of ears as a trophy from his son. Because of the extreme heat and stink, only the ears were kept as trophy. The Sultan was very content! His intention was to send them as grim reminders to chieftains suspected of rebellion. However, the trophies pleased him so much he decided to keep them for himself. Eventually the ears were strung on cords and hung up along the city walls. That’s a clear message!

In India, the British colonial power placed gibbets on the roadside to display bodies of executed thugs. This happened as late as the 1860’s to stop the infamous system of Thuggee. I’m in a former colony too… the wild west lawless feeling is striking, and how civilized are we here in the darkest African continent really? Beating around the bush is a sign of weakness. Maybe I just have to be raw, beyond any intruder’s imagination and expectation and use some proven methods!

Can anybody recommend a good weapon for me please? Not a pussy thing, but one that can do the job and preferably finish it with one bullet?! I’ve been in the army, and among the 4 best shooters in my platoon, so I’m confident that the quality of the job is purely up to the weapon of choice. Dirty Harry had a very good point; “As I am holding a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and can easily clean your head off the body, you gotta ask yourself a question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?!” I am thinking an automatic would be better and enabling me to shoot short series of 3-5 bullets at the time. Given these specifications I am listening to advice and suggestions.

We have just recovered after our “friend” looted our account of 11 grand. Now, we are down again with an estimated 45 grand! Equally important was the contents on the laptops, and now I’m chiseling blogposts into rocks in lack of my dearest laptop. Who knows how soon we’ll be online again? By the time I get this typed and ready for publishing I will read it again and probably think the tone is too harsh or extreme and start altering. I know myself that well. A good trick for me has always been to hold back e-mails until I cool down. After a few hours or next day the e-mail is revised and kosher for the right person to read. This time I won’t let that happen though. I want it left authentic like it was written in the heat of everything!


Anonymous said...

Dude ... sympathy.

I don't really know what to say, but yes, welcome to africa.


aksn1p3r said...

Jon, I feel like I could point fingers for you :(

I am deeply shocked by the turn of events after you had to endure the previous incident. :(

I wonder how safe tourists would be in the coming years, aside from the torment that citizens go through.

I would suggest you move out of the area without anyone's knowledge.

Richard Catto said...

Consider locking your doors. Maybe installing a security gate, etc.

Sleepless in Manhattan said...

Dude, that's what happens when you take school rejects into the police force....leaving the smartiepants to thieve! Low wages, unemployment and poor welfare make thieving very lucrative. In any even, if you look about you, or just ask Tommy: criminality is such a part of culture in SA that even what we consider "normal" people, even "friends" (read: Aresh) resort to crime without blinking an eye.
That said, I am very relieved the family is safe and sane through all this!