Evolution in theories

Charles Darwin and evolution has frequented the media more lately than ever when he was alive. We're celebrating his 200th birthday and his theories that most people, except religious fanatics, still regard as the true answer. Some claim that “Origin of the Species” could have celebrated 170 years (not 150 years) if Charles wasn’t scared to upset his religious wife. The pope will probably agree to call this the year of the rat (or some lesser being) because of all the troublesome noise it whirls up.

Darwin took interest in Malthus’ theories on the population’s development. Malthus was against charity and social welfare as it was interfering with nature and would only worsen the problem. William Wilberforce and his abolitionist movement (against slavery) must have been real trouble causers in his eyes. Darwin though, realized that the struggle for existence was more than charity could deal with, but Maltus’ theories and numbers were still intriguing.Malthus calculated that the world’s population would double every 25 years if it continued to grow unchecked. Rather an exponential development I would think, like the rabbit case down under. Darwin saw that this did not happen because there was already a struggle for existence. Darwin’s conclusions were based on population figures back then. What about today then? I remember the world population number being 4 billion people (maybe 25 years ago), and today I hear it’s 6.7 billion. The Chinese people where numerous but poor before. With the shift in the global economy, I predict that hardwired ($$$) Chinese women will be ever so willing. We are certainly getting closer to Malthus’ calculations by the day. So maybe Malthus was right after all. If it wasn’t for the plague, powerty, wars and AIDS… we would have been the rabbit case long time ago!

While Darwin’s published works contained his theories and principles, his personal letters showed disregard and contempt towards neighboring people even on the British Isles. After putting my own views on a tough test in the post Apartheid South Africa, it would have been interesting to have a beer with (someone from history) Darwin and Malthus in the shabeens in today’s Soweto or Diepsloet. Would they reinstate Apartheid?

So, Darwin didn’t necessary cheer for every single twist and turn on the social status ladder, even though they could prove fit with his own theories. Still, I wonder if Darwin didn’t just express his own prejudiced attitudes. His very religious wife who held him on a short leash for many years is obviously reflected. All the built up anger and frustrations tailored his theories against his wife and higher powers. That’s just how the mind works. Poor depraved man. You have to know the man to understand how his ideas came about. Nurtured through prejudice and vengeance, that’s all.

For 150 years now we have confirmed and proved to ourselves in every possible way that evolution is the answer – not God. It’s like when you want confirmation that you did the right thing when you bought that overly expensive new car… or how every famous dude in history made theories that complied with the bible. I don’t find the genie or the monkey theory very appealing. I think it’s time to think outside the box (forget God and evolution) and come up with some better stories… a new truth that we can convince ourselves to believe in for at least another 50-100 years. Given the times of economic depression, I believe I can monetize on a new and more appealing theory. Since Hot Skando Babes Ltd is doing so well, it could maybe help explain a new and sexier theory…

"Never allow a good crisis to go to waste" - Rahm Emanuel (Barrack Obama administration)

History of brainiacs, creation and God

Easter time is a religious high season. About 30 years ago a young boy in Norway was watching TV about a certain crucifixion, ascension and return to earth. The main character of the story could have been any super hero, but happened to be Jesus. “Do you believe this mom?” Mom hesitated for a moment but eventually answered; “Naah”! “Me neither!”; said the boy, and turned the TV off! He never really looked back. During his studies though, he learnt that you have to keep an open and unbiased mind to prove something wrong in order to get any wiser... and it would of course be awesome to prove the GOD-hypothesis wrong, at least within a 95% confidence interval. In marketing terms that’s “good enough” and case closed! It seems like the forces of the universe are pulling together in order to really find out now... could it in fact be a “message”, I wonder?


Michael Heller is busy calculating GOD’s existence on the Roman Catholic Church’s behalf, and hopefully his/her whereabouts on my behalf. I choose to see Mr Heller’s impressive formula as a test of the GOD hypothesis. Meanwhile, a European CSI team at the European particle-physics lab (CERN) in Geneva are preparing their new super-toy! The Large Hadron Collider’s first task later this year will be to look for GOD, or the “Higgs boson particle” in CSI terms. The mathematicians, also behind this project, say that their toy could theoretically make wormlike holes into time. Should my space shuttle plans fall apart, then I’ve already got my contingency plan. Grissom and his colleagues just lost a viewer now, as I will rather follow this show closely!!

Bishop James Ussher (Irish) devised in the early 17th century that the world was created at 6pm on Saturday, October 22nd, 4004BC (flat of course)! H.G. Wells referred to it as “this fantastically precise misconception” in 1922 (and I must agree!), but he was still unable to give a better prediction. The Old Testament provided a scattered puzzle of people’s life, age and historical events that made it possible to backtrack the day of God’s creation. Never mind the fact that Adam then lived to be 930 years old and descendants and record holder (so far) Methuselah lived to be 969 years old! A healthy climate, abundance of food and absence of diseases helped to explain this! Augustine (“Give me chastity – but not yet”) deducted amongst other things from this that they reached puberty late back in the days...


Backtracking the 6 days of creation became imperative in this work. Great minds like Thomas Burnet and Isaac Newton concluded that since earth itself was created on the 3rd day, the two first days could have been as long as it suited their theories (!). Newton explained further that God created earth stationary and only gradually started to spin! How wrinkled mustn’t Adam have been after 930 slow moving years only covered by a leaf under the burning sun?!

George-Louis Leclerc de Buffon based his work on solid scientific principles and evidence of nature. This was a new approach! Edmund Halley (Halley’s comet) had tried to measure the increasing saltiness of the sea and based on this backtrack the age of earth. Other than this, all attempts had been strictly biblical. Any “scientific” methods were used to back up biblical accounts!

Buffons theory however scrapped all biblical accounts! Earth was created by a comet that hit the sun. Glowing minerals was thrown into space (I assume!) and formed earth. In a stroke he reduced the world’s creation, the glorious masterpiece from the Supreme Architect God to nothing but a catastrophic accident! Your parents romp that accidentally made you is nothing compared to this!!

Newton estimated that the earth’s age was 50.000 years based on a comet-sun impact and the time it would take for earth to cool down, but there was never any doubt in his mind that the bible was correct. In 1765 when Jean-Jacques Dortous de Mairan (mathematician) revealed that earth contained an inner source of heat. Buffon was re-inspired by the fact that this backed his Newtonian cooling earth theory. He declared Siberia the “cradle of life” as it had once been hot and humid like Africa. My second home country currently holds the “cradle of human kind” so I’m not entirely happy about the challenge that this theory represent. However I trust that this theory will ridicule itself! Catherine II of Russia however was very pleased that all living creatures seemed to have popped out of her beloved Russia! Weighing the different materials that earth consists of, Buffon calculated that earth would have taken a total of 74.047 years to reach its current temperature. Adding the suns influence he landed on 74.832 years as published in his Epoch of Nature.

It took according to Buffon 35.000 years for water to condense out of the atmosphere to form oceans (of what was left between the continents). As a “could have been farmer” I strongly object to this as I have more than once boiled the potatoes dry twice before ready. Clearly with the heat in question caused by the sun or comets or whatever... we would have had deserts left and only occasional ponds, salty like the Dead Sea! So out of a limited 75.000 years I would have theoretically granted the species a larger portion of that time to develop.

Only after 60.000 years according to Buffon had the temperature dropped enough for the first land animals like elephants and rhinos to appear in the jungles of Siberia. Mankind showed up after 70.000 years so that the early gurus’ estimations of 4-6000 years at least for man could be accepted. It was thus independently proved to conveniently match the biblical tales. Buffon never questioned Adams 930 slow years, but since the world had now spun for 70.000 years already it was pretty much up to speed with our years nowadays I would guess. A comparatively much shorter 930 years in other words, but still a long life!

Lucky for Buffon at the time, there were no talking about humanoids and Neanderthals that could prove his theories wrong! Man was created last to take the sceptre of the earth only when it was found worthy of “his empire”! Buffon could therefore enjoy the fame, although it didn’t go exactly as he would’ve hoped! People admired his writing style, but doubted his arguments and rather took to his theories as enjoyable philosophy and early science fiction. Very much like that small boy in Norway with the biblical stories presented to him!

Nina Azari, a neuroscientist with a doctorate in theology, has looked at the brains of religious compared to non religious people. She has measured the brain activity whilst citing the 23rd psalm, a “happy” story and a neutral text. The religious guys in her test-panel all agreed that citing the 23rd psalm helped them enter a religious state of mind, so it would be interesting to compare this with the non religious guys. Previous research on the field has suggested that the limbic system (which regulates emotions) is an important centre of religious activity. Therefore it was expected that the religious people had quite high activity in the limbic system. However, the 23rd psalm caused activity other places than expected... and only for the religious guys. The only thing that triggered limbic activity among all, was the happy story! Religion affects many areas of the brain apparently. A so called God-spot however is derived from work conducted on epileptics. The reports suggest that religious visions are the result of epileptic seizures that affect this part of the brain (!!).I am amazed by the fact that all the brainiacs in time, that still have a name in history, went out of their way to confirm and entangle visions caused by epileptic seizures into their theories??!! I’m starting to question gravity here now!!

π×∞µ = GOD!!

Eureka! I’ve been wondering about the existence of GOD and time travels recently. Now I think I’ve found the missing link, or at least the guy that can provide me with the missing answers to my puzzle!

Michael Heller, a 72 year old Roman Catholic priest, pioneering cosmologist, and mathematical philosopher is my man! Mr Heller was a friend of late Pope John Paul II, now aspiring saint. Pope John Paul evidently used his influence on Mr Hellers mathematical abilities to provide circumstantial evidence of God’s existence! Wow!!

I like maths, and I have actually played with the idea that mathematical formulas can explain things that happen in the universe. In my job I always look for an opportunity to put anything into a spreadsheet with suitable formulas. In marketing it’s widely accepted that 1+1=3. Mr Heller has taken it a couple of steps further and made formulas that can explain everything, even calculate chance. The chance of winning the lottery is easy to calculate, as you have a certain framework to work within, like 6 numbers out of 42. I don’t know exactly in what relation Mr Heller can now calculate the chance, but figure that it’s more like chance of a meteor hitting your head as opposed to my head, pretty advanced!

To actually calculate and prove the existence of God is quite impressive, and would require a damn huge spreadsheet I’m guessing. To prove this mathematically and scientifically is for me one step closer to believing... although with my higher grade maths and economics Mr Heller could still easily bullshit me with his formula. How could I trust whatever comes out of his formula? All I know is that there is money involved, which makes me sceptical! The price money which is £820.000 is more than the Nobel Foundation splash out. Although Mr Heller says he will donate the price money, I’m sure The Catholic church has been very interested in getting the right outcome of his formula! Who can prove this guy wrong anyway?!

There is just one thing that makes me a little bit sceptical. An expression goes; “Seek and you will find (what you are looking for)”. As a marketing student I learnt how important it is to have an open mind and stay neutral both when you create your survey as well as when you interpret your data. Mr Heller, a Roman Catholic priest has no doubt got a biased mind here. If there is more than one God, I fear that Mr Heller’s formula will systematically ignore any but a Catholic God. I will therefore spend some time before departure to study the formula extensively and seek to neutralize any Catholic biased criteria.

Make no mistake; I don’t want this guy to fail, not at all! I’m not laughing. I’ve thrown all my Jante baggage aside and currently looking at the exciting opportunities that this opens up for. My spiritual time travel does not seem so farfetched any more at all. The backing of a priest/cosmologist/mathematician is probably just what I needed to make this dream come true! I should be able to get funding from all over the place. A few years ago I backed out of a kayak expedition along the coast of Greenland – because of the cost involved of course (nothing else). The whole concept did not have the necessary “wow” effect to get sponsors onboard for an un-described explorer like myself. This time however, I have a project that will make people laugh at moon walks, and building space stations will be simple as building Lego in comparison. NASA and ambitious companies within aviation, exploration, extreme sports and religions (in search of God) and you name it - simply cannot ignore and not fund this project. If your competitor was braver than you, you can pretty much close down your business when I return with my report from God! You’ll be branded an unbeliever and a heretic ...

If Mr Heller can prove the existence of God, then it must be just a matter of time before he can locate God also. Soon, with the help of Mr Heller’s formula and an oversized silicone systems computer installed in my space shuttle, I will know every supernova and bump on the path leading to God - in heaven I assume!

Just for my own preparations sake, so that I know what I’m facing and so that I won’t make an ass of myself, it would be nice if Mr Heller could specify what religious orientation God belongs to. After finding God, it should be an easy task to determine this! Well, maybe this should be held a secret until the necessary funding and arrangements are made and I’m well on my way.

Judgment Day

I’ve been accused of having a negative focus, and I will partly blame that on the Law of Jante. What more natural then than to think about Judgment Day? Well, it was accidental that I came over this book with a couple of quotes that caught my attention. With my negative focus it was simply the law of attraction and the universe’ answer to my inner calling (Ref The Secret), so I had it coming sooner or later!

Jesus said (according to Matt 25, 31); “Judgment Day will come and all people will have their sentence”. A question then arises in my mind. Is this; (1) one specific day, that no doubt will go down in history unless it wipes out all and everything, or (2) is it one day for each and every one of us like for instance the day we die?

If (1) a specific day in history: Jesus promised this day almost 2000 years ago (or thereabout) but still nothing?! You may go through Nostradamus’ (That’s one guy with a more negative focus than me by the way!) predictions one more time, with a different set of goggles to see if there is anything you should seriously worry about in your own life time. Jesus further said that evil/bad people will get their eternal punishment or eternal life (Matt 25, 46! I take it that this is supposed to be the heavenly counter offer to eternal punishment!). People who heard this live back in the days, and didn’t have to wait until Matt published and broadcasted it worldwide, have now waited 2000 years for Judgment Day… going on something eternal at least (Waiting). What is this waiting room like I wonder? Laws and legal systems are often founded on good religious values, so I presume that GOD will grant us the same benefit of the doubt. So if you’re innocent until proved otherwise, it should be like the eternal heaven for the mean time, right?

Besides, you can’t possibly bite nails daily for 2000 years! I’m sure those guys are quite chilled and relaxed about it, purgatory or whatever you call it. Imagine you are forced into a situation where your decision will no doubt lead you to eternal punishment (Hell I presume). When Judgment Day arrives that is! How long will your waiting period be, in heaven mind you? Another 2000, 6 or maybe even 10.000 years? Not bad at all I’d say, especially if you like to live NOW and not overly concerned about planning for old age and eternity! I never sold one life insurance or investment annuity of any kind that could match this prospect! Judgment Day is suddenly not so frightening any more, or negative!

(2) however, means that your time will come no matter what, and as soon as you’re dead, your trial starts. This is the propaganda that I grew up with, and to be damn honest – it’s a fair deal! There is really only an UP side to it if (1) should be the true destiny.

Paulus however has a very interesting interpretation that I want to believe in more than anything else out of sheer convenience! He concluded that the death of Jesus (+ some minor technicalities) means that GOD is able and prepared to in his/her Supreme Court to drop all charges against us! Paulus said that; “This, you accept when you believe and have faith, and mercy will come to you in this spirit”! GOD should really be careful and put this in very small print in his contracts. I was very excited to read this and see NO reason whatsoever to sign a contract with GOD after this. I believe in what I see (only!), that’s just the kind of guy I am. Since GOD never showed up in my presence, court or anywhere I’ve heard of, belief and faith is zip zero nada from me!

When my day comes, and I have to settle my life time deficits however, I will reconsider! When GOD presents himself/herself before me, I will have no reason to doubt his/her existence any more. I’m that easy to convince (Well, maybe I’ll pinch GOD’s arm just to check)! You can run a polygraph and a faith test on me after that and I’ll be 100% rock solid (steady) in my belief! With my newly acquired faith GOD will then have to grant me mercy in his Supreme Court. FANTASTIC!! I can multitask deadly sins and risk nothing basically!! I feel like a kid inside Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory! It’s like Pick’n’NOT Pay from the top shelf. The Vatican has added some modern vices to the traditional deadly sins… I must really update myself on optional vices. What was all that nonsense about negative focus??

My spiritual time travel

If you travel with the speed of light, you would actually do a time-travel they say. Only if you travel towards the core and the very beginning of the universe (or all the universes, not sure of the correct terminology here) though. As we are constantly moving away from that starting point we are all ageing. Slow that down, and you don’t have to look for the fountain of youth any more.

Driving back and forth between home and work, I’m wondering if just one of the ways are “the right” direction? The speed is of course insignificant compared to speed of light and time travels. Nevertheless, with the right direction… wouldn’t I in fact slow down my own ageing process marginally but still? I would think so! It’s like walking from the back to the front of a plane in mid air, you will outfly all of your fellow passengers during that walk. Whilst planet earth is constantly ageing, I would be one of the least ageing people… on my way either to or from work. I should actually find out which it is… maybe I should skip work and go the opposite direction?! My daily return would in any event nullify the effect. To get a proper effect in other words, you have to leave earth. Unless of course you could give earth a push with some giant rockets. But that would be practically impossible. Just imagine getting earth out of orbit and onto the right direction and handling all the other solar systems and orbits that you would be sucked into… A space/time shuttle is the only way!!

In my space shuttle I could go at the speed of light times 50. No 50 times the speed of light would still take forever… well, it would go fast enough for the purpose eventually for this imaginary trip of mine. I would travel until I reach the preferred age. I can’t remember which era I enjoyed the most… 16-18 maybe… or 25. In any event, when I reach the desired age I could put the cruise control on at the exact speed of light so that I could stay, say 25 for as long as I wanted.

The only problem is once again direction?! Direction is crucial in this case, as I would become a very wrinkled man if I took a wrong turn. But how do you find the beginning of the universe? My compass and GPS would be very confused on an intergalactic journey like this… turn left at the end of the milky road… If we were at least at the edge of the universe, I could make a 90degree angle from the edge and follow a straight path back to the centre and the beginning of time. Just imagine the flat pancake earth where I’m trying to find the centre. Of course in this case we’re talking 3D… or a big stack of pancakes, but unfortunately the edge is nowhere to be seen. It seems we are right somewhere in the middle of the galactic porridge. I’m sure NASA could provide me with a space map and give me a general direction as a start. I’ve been backpacking before, and I quite enjoy improvising. There is no doubt in my mind that I will find my way. After all, I don’t need to go all the way to the beginning of time, as I would in any event be way too young by… back then!

It would be very interesting however to get to the bottom of things and the beginning of time. What would I find? I’m a great believer in The Big Bang theory, but still have a hard time explaining that there was “nothing” before that. How could anything start if there was initially “nothing”?! The mega rock that eventually exploded and made all the planets and stars must have come from somewhere also…? It seems that God is ignoring his creations and not showing up in court as I was hoping for earlier, so this might be the only way to confront God with his/her existence. He/she must have left fingerprints or something that can get me on track. There is no perfect crime, right! Lucky I’ve picked up a couple of tricks from the Hardy boys, Mrs. Fletcher and CSI. God – here I come!!

Hmmm… for a second I thought my own theories implied that God left us at day one after creation. No wonder nobody saw him/her after that… Rather though he could be anywhere these days watching over us like an invisible ghost. In any event, the only certain point in time where I know I can catch him/her red handed is back in the days when he created earth and the rest. Given these facts, why the hell did nobody contact God? I'm surprised and really disappointed NASA did not prioritize this and establish a shuttle/pony express!!

Another beer with someone from history! (God)

Graham has got a standing challenge/invitation on his blog for people to tell about their beer with someone from history. Recently an opportunity has opened up that I will not miss, come heaven or hell! A US senator has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints (through prayers I assume!). Although the lawsuit itself may imply otherwise, I expect God to be a person/deity of honor and attend the trial, not only in his/her omnipresent ways but actually show a true physical presence!

God will of course be very busy when he/she arrives on such a rare visit, and I realize it will be hard to actually get an appointment. However, I will pray in advance for it to happen, and even hang around the bars, restaurants, churches and temples around the court and hope for and opportunity. I will then offer God a superb South African Meerlust Rubicon and trick him/her into believing it is altar wine, LOL! Nah - that would be a lie, and probably a bad start. I would be honest and give him/her carte blanche but recommend the Meerlust, and God would not resist my proposal!

Actually, I would make sure I had that beer with Adam & Eve before meeting God! Then I would be able to see God in a different light, and from some of his/her direct creation’s viewpoint. It would be like watching “Gandhi – My father” before knowing anything about Gandhi in the first place. My hypothesis is that God cared dearly for his/her children and grand children, but that God lost interest because generations and time wise, we are too far removed from God to care any more. We have also multiplied so rapidly that he/she can’t keep track any more. Hopefully, I can discard my hypothesis, but I truly believe that a beer with Adam & Eve in advance will shed some light on this!

Then me, God and the Meerlust! After a couple of bottles we should be talkative and friendly enough to share a few secrets. I will not bother him/her too much about the trial’s proceedings, as I expect that to be a rather touchy theme! However, I want to question God about the big bang contra his/her own creation of Adam & Eve… and what God thinks about Charles Darwin?! Then I will want to know which religious faction that tunes into his/her frequency?! If it’s the Catholic Church, I will make a confession right there and then. I will look him/her deep into the eyes and demand an explanation to why God let that thief into my house recently! With a satisfactory answer I will then confess all my dark and sinful thoughts concerning that thief and set my record straight – clean sheets! If God belong to a faction I’m not fully familiar with, I will at least find out what vanities we’re allowed!

Before we get too sloshed and unserious, I will apply for an apostle position. If God, with time, could also teach me to walk on water and give me some healing abilities that would be awesome.

With blue teeth and loads of alcohol on board we will probably pick up a ferocious appetite, human or God the same! I will take God to a nearby restaurant and find out which ones of his/her creations he/she will give consent to eat, and whether God is an omnivore, carnivore or strictly vegetarian?! If carnivore, then what about cows and pigs??

Before going separate ways, I will ask if God could grant me just one night’s sleep on cloud #9, and find out if it’s really as soft and heavenly as it sounds!

...truth, so help me (GOD)!

I was surprised to read in the newspaper recently that Charles Darwins theories was about to be introduced in the school syllabus for 11 and 12 grade pupils. At grade 11 and 12 you must be around 17 years old – about time I was thinking! By the time I was 15 we had to know the main characteristics of all the major religions + atheism and Darwinism. This was Norway 20 years ago where you had minimal chances of running into any religious orientations but Christianity, let alone monkeys at that time! In today’s South Africa, the Rainbow nation, Cradle of Human Kind and host to various species of monkeys, I’m surprised they haven’t forced the subject at a much earlier stage!

I remember how frustrated I was about having to learn about Hinduism. Today I’m married to a Hindu, although she is very laid back about it. What was the chance of a farmer boy from Norway would marry a South African Hindu girl though? Next to zero I’d say! Especially in a melting pot like South Africa I would think that it’s very important to teach the whole specter for tolerance’s sake!

The story about Jesus’ ascension, walking on water and healing powers was my first introduction to fiction as a young kid. I was watching TV pretty unsupervised, but didn’t fancy it much or believe any of it! It was much later that I picked up interest for Roald Dahl’s fiction and Douglas Adams even later. Still, Lucas and Marcus of the Bible was not my kind of fiction. Especially when people tried to convince me it was true – not fiction!

Now, many years later, I see an opportunity to set this straight once and for all! A guy in the US has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints! Not just any random chap, but a senator filed the lawsuit! I am SO tempted now to buy a ticket to follow this trial from the first row. No Olympic or World Cup could get close to this one. Who will defend God I wonder? My immediate thought is that the pope and the Catholic Church will provide a good lawyer, but that’s up to God to choose, isn’t it?! What a broadside to the Catholic Church it would be if God chose a protestant, or even a Hindu lawyer! What a spectacle that would make. I’m getting really excited already!

God’s choice of lawyer, and the lawyer’s religious standpoint would settle once and for all the eternal question about the one and only true God/religion, right?! I can see that my RDA-project (Religion Decision Aid), and extensive ongoing piece of work, could be a waste of time in a relatively short while. Although it will probably take a year or two before the trial can take place in the stuffed up American court system, I think I will put my exhaustive work on a hold for so long!

Anything but a Catholic lawyer will rob late Pope Pius of his expected saint status, wings and halo included! Not to mention all the saints who are already flapping around! They will be grounded properly, just like Nationwide Airline here in South Africa these days. Ouch, for a saint that must be worse than losing Olympic medals after cheating like Marion Jones and Ben Johnson I would guess!

The bookmakers must be preparing for bets and a feast of all times, and approaching all possible religious sects to bet on their on their one and only right belief! I think I will diversify my betting portfolio, risk averse as I am. Still, this is an opportunity to earn big bucks! I will put money on outsiders like Taoism and Shinto’s because the odds will no doubt be favorable. Counting the geographical origin of much of the God and Jesus spectacle, I will join Madonna and put some money on the Jewish branch (?) of Kabbala!

I am not a big gambler, but I would put every cent into a diversified religion portfolio bet. My only worry would be that God attacked the bookmakers like Jesus did with the merchants in the market place – then everything would be ruined! I am willing to take that risk though, for this once a lifetime opportunity!!

By the time the trial starts I will already be a rich man, but the fun is yet to come. As this lawsuit is a personal (or godly) attack on God himself, he/she will of course be forced to attend in person/godliness sooner or later. Being the senator’s lawyer I would not miss an opportunity to call God to the stand! Imagine God taking the oath; “I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – so help me (GOD)”!! That would be an awesome and memorable moment that would go down in history!

Also, you make a picture in your mind of people you talk to on the phone, and I’m sure it’s the same for people when they pray to God. Even atheists create a fictitious image of God! I believe I’m not alone when I picture an old wise man with white hair and long beard. There is of course a chance that God is in fact a busty babe. No matter what, beard or boobs, what a waste of accessories!! I’m almost sad on God’s behalf as he/she as nobody to share the “accessories” with in his/her eternal celibacy… but we don’t really know that, do we?! If Hinduism happened to be the one… it would be one hell of a party and no need to feel sorry! And how crowded the courtroom would be with all the Gods on trial!! This can easily become a debate on which god the prayer was directed to, or which god is responsible for this and that. Like in any call centre in big organisations it's important to get these things right, as it is part of the service quality. How can the gods leave us in limbo like this? Not very quality concious I must say, and what a complete lack of respect for their clients.

Journalists will of course be present! The lucky journalist(s) should not miss the opportunity to ask God about Darwin’s theories! How far advanced were Adam and Eve? Were they modern Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Neanderthals or Chimps?! The schools world wide, will in any event get to set the syllabus straight relatively soon! Then all the other heresy will be history to laugh at! I’m so excited I can hardly restrain myself!!

Update on the RDA project!

"It is safer to believe in God, even if there is no definitive proof that God exists!"; Pascal's Wager!

Choice of religion must not be taken lightly… The spiritual market is vast and hard to get an overview of. Imagine if you go through your whole life praying, chanting and going to services… then as you exit this life you realize that your religion and your god is not there for you the way you expected… It was actually another god… or another religion that could have helped you out much better! How sad… Or, imagine if there is only one god… and you sent all your prayers to the wrong address through all your life… to a fake god that can do f**k all! You see my point? Life… and especially religion is a gamble, so you should make damn sure you have all the pros and cons presented to you… and that’s where my one pager summary comes in.

Obviously if a religion stands out as SO much better than all the rest, then there is reason for suspicion, right?! As my RDA-tool develops I will of course come up with a way to filter out the fraudulent religions and cheaters. I’m thinking about a kind of lie detector test… The problem is that these instruments work well on people… It is highly possible also those members of a religion are so completely brainwashed that they truly believe… and thus cannot be taken for a liar and a cheat. The real crooks are of course the founders. Religions are ancient stuff though, and none of the founders are still alive I believe… Left are only the practitioners that are more or less fanatic… and none of them are testing material. There are only believers left – some believe in the right thing and the rest of the lot waste their time and efforts.

Isn’t that the ultimate betrayal? As you are floating between life and death you realize (a bit late) that your door to Heaven or Nirvana or whatever is not there! Your whole life has been in vain… actually worse than in vain if Hinduism should happen to be the right one. As you have worshipped the wrong god(s) your whole life, your karma can not be very great after your last lap of heresy. The top lawyer is reborn as a pig because he gambled on the wrong religion for instance… Ok, bad example maybe, since there could be a number of other reasons for a lawyer’s bad karma and downgrade.

My RDA project is a way for people to feel more secure, but the long time goal is of course to get the religion lie detector to work. That will be the Nirvana of the whole RDA project. Then we have eventually ruled out all the others and can all concentrate on the one and only religion. This is a futuristic project of course, and needs to measure more than just heartbeat, pulse and sweat… For this I have contacted NASA, Ghost Busters and a UFO-organization in the US. With our combined efforts I am sure we will get there in very short time!

"The world of poetry, mythology, and religion represents the world as a man would like to have it, while science represents the world as he gradually comes to discover it." (Joseph Wood Krutch)

I consider myself part of the science part here… and will hopefully exclude the religions that man conveniently made up. I have started an important piece scientific work!!

ME - A Freelance Hinduism Consultant

Ok, I realize that my RDA (Religion Decision Aid) project is gonna take some time. It's not done just like that! Actually I think I could do a few doctorates along the way. In short - I am struggling big time on my first religion! Just getting an overview of the gods, what they can do for you and how you worship them is an exhausting task. I still remember the story about Shiva and his woman though... the juicy story about how she took on 9 different shapes to get him... and their 1300 acrobatic positions. If all the gods had equally interesting stories, I'm sure it would be like a breeze and be done in no time. Unfortunately some of these guys are quite dull and nothing much to write about... can't really understand their function in the complete Hindu picture either. What are they good for anyway? I'm sure they could erase a few gods/deities to make it... tidier for a novice like me. Imagine all the Hindu wannabes who just loose faith completely when faced with this chaos of gods?! I think I will contact the CEO of Hinduism and address this problem. That's obviously why they are lagging behind Christianity (2 billion) and Islam (1,8billion)... with a mere 950mill fans only! Christianity and Islam is just easier to grasp for people that's all.

With my insight so far I could offer my services to the board of Hinduism as a consultant. The first thing I would do is slash some gods... and make it say 2-6 gods as opposed to "I don't know how many" today. Even for a long time settled Hindu it's hard to keep track, so they drop out. And where do you think they're going... converting to Islam and Christianity of course. What is left is only the fanatics! For a sustainable religion though you need the broad masses... the average Joe's to stay and feel like they are capable and on top of their religion. If 950mill Hindus today are mainly the fanatics - imagine what a potential they've got! They will pretty much drain Christianity, Islam and the rest if they can just trigger the masses! That's where I come into the picture. With less gods and just commercializing the whole thing a bit, we should be there in a generations time. That's pretty short time considering how long they've struggeled for the 950millions. I think I can leave the RDA project and specialize instead... and still make big bucks. The future is bright indeed!! When I'm done reshaping and giving Hinduism a facelift with a new image as I picture it now, I might even convert myself.

Some of the figures used here and in my last post are taken from the book; God-101. The author Allan W Janssen sent me a copy of the book. I think he and I got one or two things in common. It's a damn good read! Amusing, Interesting and factual all in one! True to god - I promise!!

Religion Decision Aid - RDA!!

I've been unusually concerned with religions lately. Particularly Hinduism, since I've attended some Hindu festivals and functions lately. So, curious now, I took it one step further and did some research on what Hinduism is all about, ref Heaven and Hell. I found it quite interesting although I don't find all of the Hindu customs overly appealing. I guess it's the same with religions as with so many other things - you have to take the good with the bad. In any event I thought I can't be too judgemental. After all it's the only religion I know anything about by now... apart from Christianity, the Norwegian state church. I had this brilliant idea that I could do some comparative research on the biggest and most popular religions. In that way I could make a Religion Index... or score card to see the pros and cons clearly. People need this kind of thing as your choice of religion is not like buying groceries... or at least it shouldn't be, god forbid!

Lee Iacocca (Ex CEO of Ford and Chrysler) always said that any report should be funneled down to a one page summary for him to bother to read it. He refused to read exhausting long reports. I admired Lee Iacocca after reading his autobiography. So now, in Lee Iacocca's spirit, I want to make a one page comparative summary of all the major religions. It's a groundbreaking piece of work, I'm sure of it, and very important to people around the world. It actually amazes me that such a thing doesn't exist already. What the hell have all the religious people been doing all this time. They are so enthralled with their own beliefs and don't bother about anything else. But wouldn't it be a natural thing for a religion to try to claim a larger portion of the worlds believers, and in that way become more powerful? I know at least one religion that in my mind seem to have a quite aggressive approach... What bothers me is that the other ones don't seem to fight back. This could be like an american election... only worldwide and about your choice of religion for the coming year. Then my one page summary/score-card would come in very handy, no doubt about it. Well, even today I think it should be a human right, together with the rest of the "rights" from the UN or Amnesty International or wherever... to have this onepager to make your choice easier. I believe too many people are never presented with all the facts about other religions and therefore make a bad decision. I can help these poor souls! Maybe I can even sell it and make big bucks?! Religion has always been big business... and how ironic that this could be my highway to fame and riches. Me - a Stensby?! Hahahaha!!

I am quite happy about my reports about Hinduism so far... I just have to sew the Kavady festival thing together with the heaven and hell thing... and make it complete sort of. But my god... or I should probably say gods (plural!!!). It's a big mess! I haven't figured out where all the Hindu gods fit in yet. You've got Shiva, Brahma, Krishna, Hanuman (monkeygod), Ganesha (elephantgod), Vishnu and my favourite Lord Murugan - yet there are still many more. I thought it was a sin to have more than one god in this day and age... and that most up to date religions had boiled it down to one god only. Obviously I've been terribly mistaken! Even more reason for my one pager!

It could serve as a popularity index as well I'm sure. It's a well known fact that people don't want to make unpopular choices. So maybe it feels safer when you know that 2 billion other people around the world made the same choice as you. It's basic consumer behavior. After your purchase you're alert and looking for any kind of confirmation to tell you that you did the right thing. You want to know that all your neighbours also picked Hinduism, and they're gonna praise you for it! I know, only the weak loosers would choose according to such popularity factors, but get real. There are millions of loosers out there who needs exactly this thing, and I'm gonna sell my one-pager especially to that part of the market, hehe. I'm sure my religion-index would make some friction between some of the competing religions as well. If there are no election campaigns already, I'm sure my one-pager will change that quite soon. All the priests, bishops, ayatollahs and popes will fight for your membership to improve their ranking on my index. It's gonna be awesome!!!

I should decide on the most crucial factors when choosing your religion. Sort of key factors that I can rate each religion up against each other. Heaven(s) and Hell(s) are obviously very important. Your choice of god also I guess... or gods I should say. Are they nice... or strict... or will he/she/they give you some slack? Of course also, how often would you have to pray, attend services... and pull chariots and that kind of things? Anything that can add stress to your already tight schedule must be considered. A pain/no pain homage to serve your god(s)?? I could of course add more factors with time... I have something to start with at least - can't wait! Here is my first sketch... giving you an impression of how the one-pager score card is gonna look. I've named it RDA for now! Religion Decision Aid - RDA!!

Satanic verses

Ok, I’m finally fulfilling my pre-kavady resolution here… and put some flesh to the bone on the Kavady information pool. Kavady is not just Kavady! You’ve got the one back in jan/feb, the one that got lost in assumptions, which is actually called the Thai Poosam Kavady or just Thaipusam. Thaipusam is celebrated in the Tamil month of Thai (Jan/Feb) on the full moon day when the constellation “Pusam” is on the ascend. In effect they’ve got some astronomers telling them when the “Pusam” is right, and then they are waiting for one hell of a full moon party!

I wonder if the Pusam thing and the “earth, moon & sun” alignment ever coincide? That must be a rare occasion - damn rare I’m sure! With all that gravitational pull it would pretty much be a reversing of Ascension Day. Imagine, Jesus being pulled back from heaven… trying to hold on up there somewhere… Oh no, sorry! Got a bit carried away there. Taipusam is dedicated to Murugan of course… not any of my fanatical Christian beliefs! I don’t think Murugan did any major leap like Jesus though – not any that I know of at least, so 1-0 to Jesus there.

Research about this Murugan fellow has been a frustrating hunt. It’s like the name suddenly disappears in the middle of the text and you think you’re reading about some other guy… But the simple truth is that, he was so much loved and was called by so many different names… thereof (the one and true origin!) the expression “Loved ones have many names”. Murugan or Muruga (that one was easy to figure out) had some more far fetched names also, like Kartikeyan, Kumaran, Shanmukha, Skanda and Subramanian. No wonder I got confused only a few lines down in the Koran!! Any way, Murugan is the God of war and the patron deity of the Tamil land. That makes me wonder why all the Indians left India in the 1860’s to come here to sugar sweet South Africa, when they had such a good protector there at home? Was it only the sweet tooth??

The whole idea of Kavady actually made so much sense to me in my Christian mind-frame. It’s like Jesus on the cross, when he took all the blame and all the suffering on behalf of all of us sinners. Now Thaipusan Kavady is sort of a light-version where any ding-dong guy can take a load off the neighbor’s shoulders… But no again! The carrying of Kavady symbolizes the carrying of one’s burden and then resting it at the feet of the Lord. So Kavady IS a kind of burden, but there are some great benefits of dedicating your Kavady to Murugan instead of Jesus. Murugan stretches quite far and he actually promise you that the benefits of your offering (a piercing and a vow – big deal!) will be a million fold greater than the self inflicted pain. Wow – who wouldn’t want that? Even the smallest offering would become a decent reward!

Imagine if my forefathers back in Norway had the choice between Jesus and Murugan! Holy Olav would surely threaten to decapitate you by the slightest sign of hesitation… But Murugan is the God of War, and could surely protect his fans! To make the choice easier I think they should use the old Viking tradition of “Holmgang”. You basically put the disputants, Jesus and Murugan, on an island where they can fight until one is dead. Then you don’t have to worry so much about the dead and apparently much weaker god. The surviving party, according to the tradition, was always the one that was right in the dispute… so this should ensure a good choice for my forefathers in the end! But Jesus was such a pacifist so I’m sure Holy Olav would take his place on the island. That’s 1 for Murugan and draw 1-1 so far since Jesus was such a coward. At least then people could watch the match and feel safe that they chose the right god… But wow, that fight would really have been something, huh? I know it’s hard to predict or even imagine the outcome of this fight… But they did it on Discovery Channel, when they put shark against crocodile and other predators also up against each other. They could simply make a dummy of Holy Olav and Murugan… then feed the computers with Olav’s sword fighting skills and Murugan’s war-god abilities… and voila – the fight is on! I wonder what the bookmakers odds would have been back in the days? People placing their bets would probably hope for Murugan with the unimaginable million fold riches as well as from the bookmaker! Yes, all the money would probably go that way anyway… The best thing would be to plead allegiance with Holy Olav (secure your head) and bet for Murugan, and hope that Olav will never find out…

Back to the Kavady rite! You’re supposed to do this out of love of course. These days though, people are shallower and many do it more out of fear than the love… People do it to avoid a great calamity in the family and such things. It’s insurance basically. You’ve got Kavady and Sanlam and the rest. So it’s the same motivation whatever you choose really… beg to keep your head! Wrong again… Murugan has so much more to offer. When you offer the kavady you get so intoxicated with the love of God that your inner spiritual chamber is open. Now you will eventually reach “Para Bhakti” – supreme devotion! Para Bhakti is good for YOU – not just Murugan’s poll! For the Stensby clan though I think a draw, 1-1, would suit us well! Neutral is good!

Almost forgot… the Kavady can be a thick balancing stick held over your shoulders. In either end of the stick the Kavady holds milk or honey that they later on, once inside the temple, pour over the statue of Murugan. This is a mild (chicken!) Kavady. It is believed that the more effort and hardship applied when carrying the Kavady, the more benevolent Lord Murugan will be towards fulfilling his devotee’s needs. That’s why some of the Kavady bearers do it as a sadhana! These guys are the ones that perform the juicy and weird stuff that you really want to see! Sadhana means that they impose various sorts of self torture upon themselves. Not like pinching themselves… but much more inventive stuff. Some brighties shove a sharp Vel through their tongue or cheeks… and it is made so that it protrudes out of the mouth. This will of course prevent him from speaking. It is believed to give great power of endurance and remembrance of God. It is easy to see that the excruciating pain can make you hallucinate and easily be misinterpreted as the intoxicating love… Anybody with a slightest bit of sanity (still with a strong belief though) left would then beg fanatically to reach Para Bhakti and some relief from the pain.

Another cool thing that can be seen during Kavady is the pulling of Rath, or beautifully decorated carts, through the streets. These guys must be the elite of penitents, as they pierce their flesh with hooks and strings in order to pull the cart. Obviously an instant Para Bhakti activity – just imagine what kind of cruelties those guys must have done… I mean, to do something so extreme in order to rectify it… Or they are scared of the retribution that they have coming for them… Your’re basically taking out a Kavady insurance. Then after the Kavady is over, instead of retributions, you will receive some tinfish curry on your door. The tinfish curry is of course the hindu equivalent of the Italian fish wrapped in a newspaper. When you can smell the tinfish on your door, then you know that you are “off the hook” and you can let down your shoulders and carry on with your sinful everyday life. A well protected secret is that the hindu mafiaboss is called a guru. They most definitely do not practice what they preach, but they’ve got a very good cover. These days people attach so many different and mostly positive values to anybody with the title guru, that they can pretty much do what they want and get away with it as a guru. It’s actually a prime example of marketing and perception.

Since Thai Poosam Kavady is set in jan/feb… I’ve been on a mission to find out what the full name of the Kavady around Easter time is. So far though, I have not been successful in finding it. It seems I might have to leave this question open until I’ve paid the Kavady festival a visit and ask around. For now it will have to do with just “Easter Kavady”. Whatever information I have found on the subject is that firewalking, or walking on glowing coal, seems to be an important thing. Maybe it’s to show your devotion to the God of war or something… that you are willing to go through hell for him… I am sure this will bring you quite quickly to Para Bakhti and humiliating begging for relief once again.

I’ll call it quits for now… and now you know pretty much all that’s worth knowing about the Thaipusam Kavady! I will consider doing a masters degree on the subject or go into Lord Murugans army of devoted soldiers… as I am apparently a prime source of information/knowledge on the matter already… ref “Self Googling”!!

Shaka Zulu, Holy Olav, Caesar… and Bob???

When Øyvind was here and we were down in KZN (KwaZulu Natal) I was giving him some of my own knowledge about the Zulu history. When Shaka Zulu came up in conversation I recall comparing him with Harald Hårfagre. Harald Hårfagre gathered the whole of Norway under the rule of one king. He traveled the country and recruited the chiefs around and fought the ones that resisted. Pretty much the same as Shaka Zulu did as far as I’ve heard.

Shaka was very persuasive in his recruitment… join me or die. I guess it’s the only way to do it… When Holy Olav (another great Norwegian Viking king, Olav den Hellige) came home to Norway after a raid… and a crusade, he was a converted Christian. Very excited about his new belief, he now wanted the whole of Norway to convert as well. It was very easy! Olav traveled around the country and gave the heathens two options. Convert or lose your head. Soon the whole of Norway was fanatic Christians. “God” had conquered Norway and replaced Thor with the hammer and all the other gods in the trees and rocks. I don’t know how big a role religious beliefs or spiritual stuff influenced Shakas cruelties though. Maybe his personal Sangoma made him take out a competing Sangomas tribe or something like that. In a case of hard resistance I’m sure Shaka had some gutting to do after the preceding stabbing and killing. Beautiful Killing!

I have to get my Norwegian history straight here, coz I’m mixing and confusing the kings here… although I know quite a few were taken out by some close and trusted people. Shaka Zulu was so hard against his own people that he turned some of them away and against himself. His half brother killed him in a big plot. Pretty much like Caesar: “… you my son Brutus”! It’s like copy and paste, same story all over the place, wherever you turn!

I’m looking at a map of KwaZulu Natal here, showing all the known mission stations in the area. Amazingly there were quite a few Norwegian mission stations in the heart of Zululand… in the area in and around Hluhluwe where Øyvind and I were driving around. Maybe these were descendants from Holy Olavs disciples? And not maybe, but quite likely they had a discussion with Shaka over a clay pot of local beer… giving Shaka insight in the successful Viking way. Wow, I’m overwhelmed with my own facts and findings here! And people say the world is small today…?!

If the world really did “shrink” a lot since then… and my “copy-paste theory” still applies, then Bobs (Robert Mugabe’s) relatives are terribly overdue in this end of the world! Maybe there is light in the end of the tunnel after all… coz Tsvangirai sure didn’t convert to Mugabeism and he is not decapitated yet! Maybe ignoring history will be his end?!