π×∞µ = GOD!!

Eureka! I’ve been wondering about the existence of GOD and time travels recently. Now I think I’ve found the missing link, or at least the guy that can provide me with the missing answers to my puzzle!

Michael Heller, a 72 year old Roman Catholic priest, pioneering cosmologist, and mathematical philosopher is my man! Mr Heller was a friend of late Pope John Paul II, now aspiring saint. Pope John Paul evidently used his influence on Mr Hellers mathematical abilities to provide circumstantial evidence of God’s existence! Wow!!

I like maths, and I have actually played with the idea that mathematical formulas can explain things that happen in the universe. In my job I always look for an opportunity to put anything into a spreadsheet with suitable formulas. In marketing it’s widely accepted that 1+1=3. Mr Heller has taken it a couple of steps further and made formulas that can explain everything, even calculate chance. The chance of winning the lottery is easy to calculate, as you have a certain framework to work within, like 6 numbers out of 42. I don’t know exactly in what relation Mr Heller can now calculate the chance, but figure that it’s more like chance of a meteor hitting your head as opposed to my head, pretty advanced!

To actually calculate and prove the existence of God is quite impressive, and would require a damn huge spreadsheet I’m guessing. To prove this mathematically and scientifically is for me one step closer to believing... although with my higher grade maths and economics Mr Heller could still easily bullshit me with his formula. How could I trust whatever comes out of his formula? All I know is that there is money involved, which makes me sceptical! The price money which is £820.000 is more than the Nobel Foundation splash out. Although Mr Heller says he will donate the price money, I’m sure The Catholic church has been very interested in getting the right outcome of his formula! Who can prove this guy wrong anyway?!

There is just one thing that makes me a little bit sceptical. An expression goes; “Seek and you will find (what you are looking for)”. As a marketing student I learnt how important it is to have an open mind and stay neutral both when you create your survey as well as when you interpret your data. Mr Heller, a Roman Catholic priest has no doubt got a biased mind here. If there is more than one God, I fear that Mr Heller’s formula will systematically ignore any but a Catholic God. I will therefore spend some time before departure to study the formula extensively and seek to neutralize any Catholic biased criteria.

Make no mistake; I don’t want this guy to fail, not at all! I’m not laughing. I’ve thrown all my Jante baggage aside and currently looking at the exciting opportunities that this opens up for. My spiritual time travel does not seem so farfetched any more at all. The backing of a priest/cosmologist/mathematician is probably just what I needed to make this dream come true! I should be able to get funding from all over the place. A few years ago I backed out of a kayak expedition along the coast of Greenland – because of the cost involved of course (nothing else). The whole concept did not have the necessary “wow” effect to get sponsors onboard for an un-described explorer like myself. This time however, I have a project that will make people laugh at moon walks, and building space stations will be simple as building Lego in comparison. NASA and ambitious companies within aviation, exploration, extreme sports and religions (in search of God) and you name it - simply cannot ignore and not fund this project. If your competitor was braver than you, you can pretty much close down your business when I return with my report from God! You’ll be branded an unbeliever and a heretic ...

If Mr Heller can prove the existence of God, then it must be just a matter of time before he can locate God also. Soon, with the help of Mr Heller’s formula and an oversized silicone systems computer installed in my space shuttle, I will know every supernova and bump on the path leading to God - in heaven I assume!

Just for my own preparations sake, so that I know what I’m facing and so that I won’t make an ass of myself, it would be nice if Mr Heller could specify what religious orientation God belongs to. After finding God, it should be an easy task to determine this! Well, maybe this should be held a secret until the necessary funding and arrangements are made and I’m well on my way.

...truth, so help me (GOD)!

I was surprised to read in the newspaper recently that Charles Darwins theories was about to be introduced in the school syllabus for 11 and 12 grade pupils. At grade 11 and 12 you must be around 17 years old – about time I was thinking! By the time I was 15 we had to know the main characteristics of all the major religions + atheism and Darwinism. This was Norway 20 years ago where you had minimal chances of running into any religious orientations but Christianity, let alone monkeys at that time! In today’s South Africa, the Rainbow nation, Cradle of Human Kind and host to various species of monkeys, I’m surprised they haven’t forced the subject at a much earlier stage!

I remember how frustrated I was about having to learn about Hinduism. Today I’m married to a Hindu, although she is very laid back about it. What was the chance of a farmer boy from Norway would marry a South African Hindu girl though? Next to zero I’d say! Especially in a melting pot like South Africa I would think that it’s very important to teach the whole specter for tolerance’s sake!

The story about Jesus’ ascension, walking on water and healing powers was my first introduction to fiction as a young kid. I was watching TV pretty unsupervised, but didn’t fancy it much or believe any of it! It was much later that I picked up interest for Roald Dahl’s fiction and Douglas Adams even later. Still, Lucas and Marcus of the Bible was not my kind of fiction. Especially when people tried to convince me it was true – not fiction!

Now, many years later, I see an opportunity to set this straight once and for all! A guy in the US has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints! Not just any random chap, but a senator filed the lawsuit! I am SO tempted now to buy a ticket to follow this trial from the first row. No Olympic or World Cup could get close to this one. Who will defend God I wonder? My immediate thought is that the pope and the Catholic Church will provide a good lawyer, but that’s up to God to choose, isn’t it?! What a broadside to the Catholic Church it would be if God chose a protestant, or even a Hindu lawyer! What a spectacle that would make. I’m getting really excited already!

God’s choice of lawyer, and the lawyer’s religious standpoint would settle once and for all the eternal question about the one and only true God/religion, right?! I can see that my RDA-project (Religion Decision Aid), and extensive ongoing piece of work, could be a waste of time in a relatively short while. Although it will probably take a year or two before the trial can take place in the stuffed up American court system, I think I will put my exhaustive work on a hold for so long!

Anything but a Catholic lawyer will rob late Pope Pius of his expected saint status, wings and halo included! Not to mention all the saints who are already flapping around! They will be grounded properly, just like Nationwide Airline here in South Africa these days. Ouch, for a saint that must be worse than losing Olympic medals after cheating like Marion Jones and Ben Johnson I would guess!

The bookmakers must be preparing for bets and a feast of all times, and approaching all possible religious sects to bet on their on their one and only right belief! I think I will diversify my betting portfolio, risk averse as I am. Still, this is an opportunity to earn big bucks! I will put money on outsiders like Taoism and Shinto’s because the odds will no doubt be favorable. Counting the geographical origin of much of the God and Jesus spectacle, I will join Madonna and put some money on the Jewish branch (?) of Kabbala!

I am not a big gambler, but I would put every cent into a diversified religion portfolio bet. My only worry would be that God attacked the bookmakers like Jesus did with the merchants in the market place – then everything would be ruined! I am willing to take that risk though, for this once a lifetime opportunity!!

By the time the trial starts I will already be a rich man, but the fun is yet to come. As this lawsuit is a personal (or godly) attack on God himself, he/she will of course be forced to attend in person/godliness sooner or later. Being the senator’s lawyer I would not miss an opportunity to call God to the stand! Imagine God taking the oath; “I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – so help me (GOD)”!! That would be an awesome and memorable moment that would go down in history!

Also, you make a picture in your mind of people you talk to on the phone, and I’m sure it’s the same for people when they pray to God. Even atheists create a fictitious image of God! I believe I’m not alone when I picture an old wise man with white hair and long beard. There is of course a chance that God is in fact a busty babe. No matter what, beard or boobs, what a waste of accessories!! I’m almost sad on God’s behalf as he/she as nobody to share the “accessories” with in his/her eternal celibacy… but we don’t really know that, do we?! If Hinduism happened to be the one… it would be one hell of a party and no need to feel sorry! And how crowded the courtroom would be with all the Gods on trial!! This can easily become a debate on which god the prayer was directed to, or which god is responsible for this and that. Like in any call centre in big organisations it's important to get these things right, as it is part of the service quality. How can the gods leave us in limbo like this? Not very quality concious I must say, and what a complete lack of respect for their clients.

Journalists will of course be present! The lucky journalist(s) should not miss the opportunity to ask God about Darwin’s theories! How far advanced were Adam and Eve? Were they modern Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Neanderthals or Chimps?! The schools world wide, will in any event get to set the syllabus straight relatively soon! Then all the other heresy will be history to laugh at! I’m so excited I can hardly restrain myself!!