Mutant war

The Brazilian president, Luiz Inacio ”Lula” da Silva has blamed ”blue eyed white people” for the financial crisis. I feel hurt and seriously offended since I fit strikingly into this group. It is scientifically explained that blue eyes came about as a mutation 6-10.000 years ago. Lula is using the financial crisis to attack a group that he apparently bears grudge against – me and my fellow mutants! I wonder why though? Did he ever meet a Hot Skando (mutant) Babe? Why does this sound so familiar? History is repeating itself of course, just like in the documentaries I saw recently about the X-men.Jews, mutants or any other group… it’s easy and convenient to join the warmonging mob during times of crisis. People need to blame somebody, and it surely doesn’t help that the Hot Skando (mutant) Babes are outperforming everybody else. I can see crystal clear that this is brewing up to a war. Lula will wipe us out if he gets a chance. We can no longer rely on much support from the US government like we had for the last two periods. Yes, Bush was a blue eyed blond undercover mutant. Nobody had a clue whilst he was in office. In retrospect though, hindsight is of course 20/20. Anyway, this will be the next world war – mutants against the rest.Our mutation was very successful though, so we’re not a small group. The X-men had Xavier with his telepathic abilities to locate and gather the mutants. It is my calling to gather the blue eyed mutants, but telepathy and mindreading is not my area of expertise. I might not need to since our characteristic mutation can easily be picked out from the crowd. I will look out for undercover agents with blue contact lenses and dyed hair though. A control question from "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" will smoke out enemy spies. The Hot Skando Babes are already organized and the infrastructure and logistics ready set up, so we should be prepared in relatively short time. This is WAR! We’re ready for you Lula, bring it on!!

Evolution in theories

Charles Darwin and evolution has frequented the media more lately than ever when he was alive. We're celebrating his 200th birthday and his theories that most people, except religious fanatics, still regard as the true answer. Some claim that “Origin of the Species” could have celebrated 170 years (not 150 years) if Charles wasn’t scared to upset his religious wife. The pope will probably agree to call this the year of the rat (or some lesser being) because of all the troublesome noise it whirls up.

Darwin took interest in Malthus’ theories on the population’s development. Malthus was against charity and social welfare as it was interfering with nature and would only worsen the problem. William Wilberforce and his abolitionist movement (against slavery) must have been real trouble causers in his eyes. Darwin though, realized that the struggle for existence was more than charity could deal with, but Maltus’ theories and numbers were still intriguing.Malthus calculated that the world’s population would double every 25 years if it continued to grow unchecked. Rather an exponential development I would think, like the rabbit case down under. Darwin saw that this did not happen because there was already a struggle for existence. Darwin’s conclusions were based on population figures back then. What about today then? I remember the world population number being 4 billion people (maybe 25 years ago), and today I hear it’s 6.7 billion. The Chinese people where numerous but poor before. With the shift in the global economy, I predict that hardwired ($$$) Chinese women will be ever so willing. We are certainly getting closer to Malthus’ calculations by the day. So maybe Malthus was right after all. If it wasn’t for the plague, powerty, wars and AIDS… we would have been the rabbit case long time ago!

While Darwin’s published works contained his theories and principles, his personal letters showed disregard and contempt towards neighboring people even on the British Isles. After putting my own views on a tough test in the post Apartheid South Africa, it would have been interesting to have a beer with (someone from history) Darwin and Malthus in the shabeens in today’s Soweto or Diepsloet. Would they reinstate Apartheid?

So, Darwin didn’t necessary cheer for every single twist and turn on the social status ladder, even though they could prove fit with his own theories. Still, I wonder if Darwin didn’t just express his own prejudiced attitudes. His very religious wife who held him on a short leash for many years is obviously reflected. All the built up anger and frustrations tailored his theories against his wife and higher powers. That’s just how the mind works. Poor depraved man. You have to know the man to understand how his ideas came about. Nurtured through prejudice and vengeance, that’s all.

For 150 years now we have confirmed and proved to ourselves in every possible way that evolution is the answer – not God. It’s like when you want confirmation that you did the right thing when you bought that overly expensive new car… or how every famous dude in history made theories that complied with the bible. I don’t find the genie or the monkey theory very appealing. I think it’s time to think outside the box (forget God and evolution) and come up with some better stories… a new truth that we can convince ourselves to believe in for at least another 50-100 years. Given the times of economic depression, I believe I can monetize on a new and more appealing theory. Since Hot Skando Babes Ltd is doing so well, it could maybe help explain a new and sexier theory…

"Never allow a good crisis to go to waste" - Rahm Emanuel (Barrack Obama administration)

Opportunities

Iceland is bankrupt, the biggest companies in the world are faltering. Capitalist market number one, the US is anything but rock steady and the financial crisis is threatening the free market economy that I used to be a firm believer in. For four years I opened my mind wide open and let myself brainwash with the latest in capitalist thinking and marketing in a free economy. Hell, I didn’t just volunteer either. I paid for it! Errrr... still paying for it...

Look hard and you will find this among Nostradamus’ predictions, but he was no capitalist guru. Adam Smith, John Maynard Keynes, Porter and all the gurus that I worshipped unconditionally never mentioned anything about the chance of a meltdown like this. As a student I/we believed that all the theories applied would lead to Nirvana or some kind of utopian society! The crash of the stock market in 1929 was hush hush and best forgotten. After 1929, communism was still the enemy.

The US, and western economies throughout Europe are injecting capital in a bottomless drain to save companies and economies that are unfit to survive without intervention. They are acting more socialistic than China! I used to think that the capitalism was the Darwinism (Survival of the fittest/natural selection) for money markets. The former capitalist locomotive and arch enemy of socialism is now pissing on the theories of monetary evolution. Engels and Marx must be laughing their guts out in their graves right now! The communists in China on the other hand have applied the capitalist theories better than anybody else. Red carpets are rolled out for them in all the aspiring colonies throughout Africa.

Likewise, Norway should grab the opportunities that lie before us. A socialist society like Norway should be able to follow suit and copy China’s example. We could make Iceland an offer for starter. Climate wise Iceland is not worth fighting for, with the exception of Heitipottur though, never mind the debt attached. Who knows what tourism and hidden natural resources might collect? Besides, real estate is always a good thing! Mauritius is also looking to invest in new land, scared that their sand banks will soon dip below sea level. Why not make them an offer too. We could invest some oil money, or swop with some mountainous plots high above sea level between our precious glaciers. That way we can open up a domestic flight between Oslo Gardermoen (OSL) and The Sir Seewoosagur Ramgoolam International Airport (SSR) and defrost once in a while during the cold Norwegian winter. When the financial crisis has worked for a while, who knows what other opportunities may arise? We might end up with a much more desirable homeland and climate at the end of it... If we can outrun China I might even be able to return to O. R. Tambo (Joburg, South Africa) on a domestic flight.

The American porn industry is asking for financial aid in this time of crisis and depression, arguing that people could need some excitement to cheer up. After 9/11 people instinctively fu**ed like rabbits. It was like a biological anti annihilation mechanism kicked in, Darwinism in its purest form. The financial crisis is slow torture in comparison and seems to have the opposite effect. The local business school here in Bergen, Norges HandelsHøyskole (NHH), is also struggling to sell their sexy calendar picturing petite blondes. So maybe the American porn industry has a point. Instead of pumping billions of dollars down that drain, maybe they should rather start in the other end and inject some Viagra and free access to porn for the people to kick-start the economy?!

New evidence brought to my attention by Beaverboosh that women are hardwired to choose ($$$) wealthy men support my theory. It clearly contributes to the downward depressive spiral that we currently see. The porn industry however, in collaboration with the pharmaceutical (Viagra) industry, can help us override this by jumpstarting the hormones and encouraging more spontaneous and frivolous activity. Mark my words, this will rub off and be an exciting turning point for the world economy. Meanwhile, in-between random bonking on the street corners, I will reinvest the extra dimes in my mattress in the porn industry to make sure that I come out on top and become an irresistible catch for the hardwired opposite sex!

Bergen - A city of pervs

On a trip downtown today I found it best to take a taxi. People here often resort to taxis because of the rain. Judging from the big pools of water around, they could be bottomless. Trained to look for escape routes in the Johannesburg traffic, I quickly confirmed that the car had airbags. Worst comes to worst, I could always trigger the airbags, stay afloat and survive another rainy day.

The taxi driver could tell me that today’s weather was bad even for Bergen. Last year they were only a few days short of 3 months of continuous rain! Other than that, Bergen has had so much of nice weather over the last few years that the rain in Bergen is becoming an undeserved myth! Hammered with rain stats I was speechless in the back seat. It's an unavoidable subject in Bergen, but with statistics like this, and with my own wet experiences lately, its facts - NO BLOODY MYTH!

With the amount of rain you also have to plan your days accordingly. For this people have national weather services on the internet. Everybody in Bergen has bookmarked this site! First thing in the morning you check the weather. During your lunch break and a couple of more times you check again to avoid surprises. It’s like with the crime in South Africa, always stay alert with your guard held high!

The name of the weather service is the biggest joke though, www.yr.no! Yr in Norwegian has a double meaning, “drizzle” and “excited” (horny). Like rain is such a desirable thing?! It doesn't get me off! Rather depressive and impotent. Being in Bergen that's not a temporary state! I suspect the site was founded by somebody in Bergen. He/she must be a real perv but in good company it seems. The streets are crowded with people in rubber from head to toe. Over the years Bergen has of course attracted rubber fetishists worldwide. Here they can all come out of the cot, flourish and live out their rubber desires amongst fellow fetishists without sticking out.This blue eyed stud need no rubber any time soon...

Inside A Black Hole

It’s scientifically proved that it statistically rains more in the weekends. The industrial smoke pipes builds up to a massive downpour on your days off. What doesn’t come down during the weekend is forwarded to Bergen. Mountains also push the warm air up and cause rain. The mountains around Bergen makes sure no rainclouds can escape, but is this the only explanation? What else then?

A black hole theory seems applicable, simply because Bergen IS a black hole. A common misunderstanding is that black holes pull all kinds of physical matter indiscreetly. This is of course nonsense. You have selective black holes (SBH) out there, and this one basically concentrating/specializing on H2O, water. Global rainclouds are drawn to and sucked into the black hole being Bergen (Norway). Scholars disagree on what actually happen to matter that is sucked into a black hole, or how a black hole appears from the inside. I have the questionable pleasure of finding myself in one, and can thus share the insight of my empirical findings so far with the outside world (outside the black hole). Bergen in black hole terms is a relatively young one. How exciting isn't it to follow a black hole all the way from its cradle to our grave…

Global streams (Gulf Stream) in the water and wind patterns are all centred on or caused by Bergen. Like when you pull out the plug in your bathtub, the water will go down the drain. Bergen is the global drain! All the water will a little by little end up in Bergen. Don't fool yourself into believing that this is just a hate speech by a hamarroid struggling to dry up. Melting icebergs at the poles is just one of the symptoms. As opposed to popular belief, and my own assumptions (I confess), the sea level will not rise. It will just end up in Bergen. This will have two extreme implications for life on earth - in Bergen or any other geographical whereabouts. The seas, lakes, rivers, streams and humidity in the air will be sucked dry. Since all living life requires water, everything will die out and turn into a global desert. Sounds familiar? It’s of course useless looking for water on Mars since the black hole there already completed its mission! NASA, wake up! So that's what the future has in store for us... if you're not living in Bergen that is.

In Bergen, it has the opposite effect! Some water is good, but too much is also not good. The Bergen flood is already well documented. You don’t need Nostradamus to predict this one. At this early stage it means that people are for the most part weather bound at home. Today, I had to take a rain check on an invitation to my favourite water-hole (Pub). Storming horizontally outside, I could not manage to open the front door. Trapped inside I’m terrified that the “sinking car” principle applies, and I have to wait until the house is filled (equal pressure inside and outside) with water before I can get out. Poor me, I sold my diving equipment before moving to South Africa… If I survive this one, I will invest in tanks and equipment for the whole family! It could sure come in handy now... or would it just prolong this rain of terror?

So, when the Bergen black hole has done its job, there will be a dead planet of sand and stone… and then a tiny little bubble (Bergen) compressed with water. Nobody really knows what happens inside that black hole. Compressed and compressed to a fraction the pressure will squeeze life out of even the deepest of Norwegian bottom dwellers. The people in Bergen can thus not depend on their own evolutionary speed to outperform the progress of the black hole. Some scientists suggest that a black hole must have a white hole to spew the compressed matter back out, and that this white hole may create conditions where new organic life can grow. Recycling basically! Norwegians and people from Bergen to be more specific, will in any event form the essence of new recycled life.

Although this demonstrates that Norwegians are the chosen people, it causes no wet dreams from my side.

What the future holds (for Norwegians)

One epoch of the Stensby family is over for now, South Africa. Another one has begun. I have followed the steps of my forefathers northwards all the way back to Norway. Somewhat unwilling to follow exactly that path, I expect (hopeful, you have to give me that) that the journey ahead will unfold their logic and reasoning for settling down here. Someday I might understand and even accept…We have landed ourselves back in "the arse end of the world" (Wife's favorite expression), but not amongst the hamarroids in my home town Hamar. More specifically we have settled down in Bergen on the very edge of the European continent. Europe feels far away and remote…From Bergen you can look out over the horizon of the North Sea/Atlantic Ocean. Somewhere out there is our national borders. We have borders to Russia, Iceland, an actual iceberg popularly called the North Pole and "Smutthullet" (Translates; “The Loophole”). Despite the fact that it’s probably a lot of fish out there in Smutthullet, nobody wants it. It’s stormy like hell and a very undesirable place. That's the kind of borders we’ve got and Norway is not much better! Norwegians were most likely the last people in the queue, and had to settle with the only patch of land that was left to claim. But wouldn’t it be better to go to war for something better than this? Not Sahara maybe, but except from that, anything in-between would be worth a fight.

The history books can give you many motives for going to war. Territory, power, money, natural resources, religion, love... But nowhere will weather and climate be mentioned. It's a secret pact that dates back thousands of years. Nowadays the treaty is a confidential UN matter. All countries have sworn to not mention it to provoke the Norwegian Vikings. It’s a human right to have better climatic conditions. It's an obvious legitimate reason to go to war. Everybody knows it, except the Norwegians. Tip toe and hush hush, don't wake the beast (Vikings/barbarians)! They are happy to keep us under control up here. This deep freezer seems to have a calming effect… duh! Meanwhile, non Norwegians around the world enjoy their cocktail drinks at the poolside and make jokes about us.

Cold or wet, Norwegians always had to look on the bright side of life. Gallows humour was often the only thing that made people reconsider and loosen the noose. The expression; “There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing!” depicts this. The desperation, hypothermia and deep depression shines through! Even our most successful exports in music, AHA, had to be sarcastic with songs like; "The Sun Always Shines On TV"! That's dilirium coming from a Norwegian!

Frenchmen drink a couple of glasses of wine a day. It neutralizes the effect of the fatty food. In Norway (except for one area in the South called "The bible belt"), every second household makes their own moonshine (traditionally). Brewing, we aim for no less than 96% proof! A lethal amount of alcohol in the bloodstream for a Frenchman is just what you need to keep the blood from freezing in Norway. During the dark Norwegian seasons, it serves as Prozac and wipes out the rest of the intolerable memories. A necessity up here! Bin Laden and Al Qaeda found only one way to hit the Norwegians where it really hurt. They flooded the Norwegian market with barrels of methanol. A few died, but worse still - people could no longer deaden the pain and have a dignified existence in Norway.

Extreme conditions pushes evolution forward though, so maybe something good could come out of it? Global warming, melting icebergs and rising sea levels could hardly benefit anybody better than people in Bergen and coastal Norway. With the amount of rain, we are pretty much in the water and busy evolving. People have wet and wrinkled skin on a regular basis because of all the rain... What about that itch under my ear that won’t go away… I might be developing gills already! Sharks has been around for millions of years and outlived dinosaurs, so it might be the right way to go. The only thing that worries me is that we would not automatically be on top of the food chain down there…

During the Norwegian season (alas when Norwegians are in their element) when it’s cold, it’s also pitch dark! Because of the lack of sunlight, the body can't produce its normal amount of vitamin D. That’s probably the only good reason for settling on the coastline, so that we can get access to vitamin D rich fish! My blue mutant eyes that I was so happy with, are worth f**k all and useless in the dark. Because of the darkness we are therefore busy developing night vision like owls. Evolution at work once again! When we have finalized the evolutionary steps and are 100% back in the water, I believe we will be bottom dwellers where no light can protrude and there are plenty of D vitamins (fish).Wow, how great isn’t that! I'm not a big bully or warmonger, but this time it makes sense to pick a fight with somebody. Other than that I'm no closer to finding the answers. No logic and no good reasons, so the search goes on…

Being Norwegian

I’m back in Norway, and reflecting on being Norwegian. Norwegians are nationalistic (I’ve heard), and they (we) love to show glorifying programs on TV about themselves. I watched one of these programs recently, and got more resentful than ever before against my forefathers for settling down here…

Here’s just an example from history to put things into perspective. Scott, an English explorer (but I suspect a Norwegian wannabe!) tried to get to the poles (North and South Pole), but failed. Shackleton, one of Scotts previous companions also tried but failed miserably. Then came this new guy, Roald Amundsen, from out of nowhere. His anonymous existence and home land was of course Norway, which resembles the North and the South Pole for most of the year. He made a slight detour from his back yard and his natural habitat. On this stroll, he passed Scott and his hardy explorers and planted a flag on the South Pole. How could this guy from Norway, where everybody is expected to be nobodies, beat the tough explorers from the proud British Empire? He is Norwegian, that’s all! After two years abroad I have lost touch and forgotten what actually goes into being a Norwegian. Norwegian broadcasting though is too sharp to remind me!

In Norway we have an expression; “sweat oneself to death” (å svette seg i hjel) ! Do not make the mistake and translate this into “sweat like a pig”, coz it’s not! Far from it! Sweating to death makes you think of a very hot and humid place, but wrong again! The expression originates (I swear!) in Norway and applies to Norway, the North Pole and the South Pole only. To develop a sweat under these extreme conditions can be lethal. It’s fine whilst you’re in motion and keep up the temperature. When you cool down though, sweat leads to frost, gangrene and you lose limbs or life altogether! Thus sweating to death! Norwegians are therefore not hasty and quickest of the lot, but don’t call them slow… they are just survivors! Norwegians won’t get too excited and worked up, knowing the warnings from the childhood tales. These normal Norwegian instincts are regarded as extreme survival techniques by Navy Seals, spetsnaz and other special forces. People think twice about attacking Norwegians on their home grounds. Still, Hitler attacked on April 9th (early spring), knowing that he had precious little time before the seasons changed and the Norwegians where back in their element. Those summer months proved to be the Achilles heel for Norway.

Roald Amundsen did only what came natural to him, and Scott must have been like Bambi on the ice in his eyes. As a Norwegian he was simply better fit for the task. Born in the cold (with skis on his feet of course) he was brought up with all the survival tricks like all Norwegians. It was a walk in the park for Amundsen. I should be happy and grateful, but why? You shouldn’t have to know these things. Back when vast areas of the planet were still untouched by humans, there was no sound reason to challenge the territory of the polar bear and the mammoth. Norwegians proved fitter than the mammoths and have long outlived them. Stuck in the cold, the victory is a bitter one. I wish I could have a good talk with my ancestor that was responsible for my Norwegian passport! He was a bigger schmuck than Scott for sure! Maybe I have no right complaining about my ancestors. After all I came back, and settled down in Bergen of all places! People here live in a steep hillside on top of each other. The amount of rain that pours down here can drown you in no time.

When the water pulled out from the shore in South East Asia, the elephants ran to the hills instinctively. They knew the tsunami was on its way. Likewise, people in Bergen settled in the hills. When the weather here shows its real potential, no stream or sucction will be able to cope with the amount of water. The sea level in Bergen will rise! Tales from early Norwegian settlers has shaped our instincts accordingly... just another Norwegian survival thingy. When all life is washed away and Noah's ark is searching for a place to start over again, they will be surprised to find myriads of Norwegians and elephants. So Norwegians are the chosen people whenever God finds the timing right to reset with clean sheets. Good prospects for survival in other words, but imagine what a heavy and unpleasant burden!! The burden weighs heavily on broad shoulders. From the tall Vikings, I'm down to 176cm above ground level... up in the hills!If you’re a non Norwegian, here’s a tip for ya. God will of course give his chosen people a real chance. I derive from this that the Bergen flood will not start during summer (our Achilles months, remember), but rather during the harsh months of January and February when Norwegians are in their true element! Just in case you want to improve your chances...

Future prospects for norwegians in an evolutionary perspective!