To sell a car

A few years ago I went to the BMW plant in Dingoldfing, outside Munich. You can order your car down to the tiniest details. The assembly line spews out thousands of cars every week. No two cars during that week are identical. It’s really astonishing! For the first time in my life, I bought a brand new car recently after my own specs. That means it’s time to sell the old car…
Friends and family are suddenly telling me I have to be careful. I’m just trying to sell my car?! Since when was selling a car associated with any danger? I might risk selling it slightly too cheap, but careful?!

“You must NOT meet potential buyers at malls or other places they suggest! They must come to your house, but don’t let them inside, and never ever let them take the car for a spin!”
It’s a new type of crime, the hippest car-crime method in the crime capital of the world, Johannesburg! If I can’t let them take the car for a spin, then how the hell can I sell the car? I’ve been in sales for eight years, but this is looking tough now! I would not buy a car without a test-drive!!

Another, NEW thing is that you can order your 2nd hand vehicles with detailed specs also now. The waiting time is amazingly short! “These cars are not coming out of any assembly line”; I’m thinking. A guy at work tells me he can talk to anybody in his neighborhood, and they can get him the car of his liking in no time. A registration number shortens the delivery time apparently. He sounds well connected!

Just outside Johannesburg, a man ordered his new 2nd hand car, and was waiting in anticipation recently! He was major impressed with his sons car and decided to get one like that too! The car was delivered a few days later, the same day that his son was killed in a hi-jacking incident! The car even smelt of his sons cologne, that’s how meticulous they are about matching your specs 100%!

Obviously, whether you are buying or selling a car – it’s a lethal business! Don’t ever use that term; “I’m having what she is having” when it comes to cars, unless you have a serious grudge against that person! After thinking things over, it’s probably safest to let the old car rust in the back yard. The new car will NO doubt follow me from cradle to the grave!

What defines you?

Does your work define you as a person?! Just like your parents, your upbringing, your country and local community. They are influences and tell a story about you as a person. Work is not an insignificant influence, am I right? You put down at least 1/3 of your day doing whatever you do, striving to get good at it, going from junior to senior, up the hierarchy and get sculpted more and more!

The worrying thing is that people take the choice of work a bit too lightly. I am wondering if I have fallen into this trap myself actually. This job you choose is going to change people’s perception of you forever. You should actually do a thorough analysis of each company. What would you be involved in and what core values does this company represent… history maybe, and the name that defines this company and will no doubt rub off on you! This is a “growing” concern for me these days… Browsing through some Egyptian mythology the other day I was intrigued to find a god by the same name as the company I work for – Osiris!Osiris is also called Orion the Hunter in Greek mythology and Herne the Hunter in Norse mythology and he was a great warrior! The gods walked among humans at this stage, and the reign of Osiris was a “golden age”! So far so good and I’m overjoyed and no worries at all! The name though is also connected with insemination. Orion, derived from “ourien” meaning semen, and the belt of Orion is a euphemism. In ancient times this was a penis that became erect as the year progressed. That’s a shame and a serious dysfunction. A whole year to get it up?! Seriously, you don’t want this kind of stuff to rub off on you, whether you live in the times of Viagra or not!! Must I hand in my resignation now, or should I stick it out and resort to Viagra if worst comes to worst?

Seth, the envoy of Satan, made a cedar chest (coffin) inlaid with gold, silver, ivory and lapis lazuli. Whoever fitted the chest best, could take it away! Like Cinderella, Osiris won the prize! As soon as Osiris had lied down, Seth slammed the lid on and sealed the chest. It was thrown into the Nile and washed ashore in Syria. A tree grew up and wrapped and enclosed the chest completely. Famous for its splendor it was chopped down and made into a pillar in the Syrian King’s palace. Osiris’s wife, Isis managed to locate and free him, but Seth attacked again!

This time Seth wanted to make sure that he did the job properly. He hacked Osiris to pieces, 14 in total, and spread them far apart geographically so that he could not be made whole again! Isis though as the devoted wife retrieved the pieces, puzzled him together and wrapped him up with bandages so that he could heal. This was the “first mummy”! There was just one small catch! She had found all the pieces except one – the penis! Isis, who no doubt wanted a fully functioning husband back made a golden penis and attached it to his body. I imagine this to be history’s first dildo! Dealing with clients and business associates now… do they see Jonny or do they see a mummy with a golden dildo shining through??

Isis was unable to bring Osiris fully back to life… other than sexually! With a lot of TLC she managed to work him up and make him ejaculate. So Horus was born, the new Master of the Universe! Horus killed Seth to avenge his father, whilst Osiris lived in the Underworld as its King of the Dead. No doubt there are many facets to Osiris, some desirable and some not so desirable! Can you choose or in any way influence what rubs off on you? This is crucial to me given Osiris’s history. I need advice on this… so I will keep my resignation unsigned in the drawer for now!

BTW! My gmail is getting spammed recently with “increase your size” e-mails despite the fact that I have not surfed anything remotely associated?! Is it Osiris?

Self Justice

I was burgled in November. A guy walked into my house and stole laptops and a cell phone! On his way out he greeted my domestic helper. With the domestic helper screaming, I was running outside, but could see nobody. Then I drove around for an hour, but nothing of course! Never mind the stolen goods, but the violation of my private home made me mad with anger! What if any of us surprised him and accidentally cut him off from his escape route? After two days I phoned repeatedly to get the investigating officer to the scene, so that he could have a look at video clips. He could not come because he had no vehicle to get there! Short time later I read in the newspaper that the police guys have a R100 (US$13) allowance airtime to do their necessary phone calls to investigate. No wonder I had to follow up myself!

This morning I heard a motorist had lost a cell phone in a smash’n’grab! He followed the thief and shot him dead! The police says he will be charged with murder (if they find him), but I say WELL DONE! I SALUTE YOU!! That November morning I was HIM! No gun or anything. With bare hands and blunt claws it would have been much uglier! I hope this creates a domino effect across the country with self justice incidents. Only THEN will it be a wakeup call loud enough!

The townships already have their kangaroo courts, and the police are too afraid to interfere! Now civil society has come down to a basic rawness because there is no functioning justice system. Let this be a lesson for the politicians. 2010 is coming up, and I want to see an Olympic effort to do something with the crime, police and justice system. Maybe some time in the future we won’t need kangaroo courts and self justice anymore! When I think about it, I would have been shocked and not saluted the guy, had it been in Norway.

History of brainiacs, creation and God

Easter time is a religious high season. About 30 years ago a young boy in Norway was watching TV about a certain crucifixion, ascension and return to earth. The main character of the story could have been any super hero, but happened to be Jesus. “Do you believe this mom?” Mom hesitated for a moment but eventually answered; “Naah”! “Me neither!”; said the boy, and turned the TV off! He never really looked back. During his studies though, he learnt that you have to keep an open and unbiased mind to prove something wrong in order to get any wiser... and it would of course be awesome to prove the GOD-hypothesis wrong, at least within a 95% confidence interval. In marketing terms that’s “good enough” and case closed! It seems like the forces of the universe are pulling together in order to really find out now... could it in fact be a “message”, I wonder?


Michael Heller is busy calculating GOD’s existence on the Roman Catholic Church’s behalf, and hopefully his/her whereabouts on my behalf. I choose to see Mr Heller’s impressive formula as a test of the GOD hypothesis. Meanwhile, a European CSI team at the European particle-physics lab (CERN) in Geneva are preparing their new super-toy! The Large Hadron Collider’s first task later this year will be to look for GOD, or the “Higgs boson particle” in CSI terms. The mathematicians, also behind this project, say that their toy could theoretically make wormlike holes into time. Should my space shuttle plans fall apart, then I’ve already got my contingency plan. Grissom and his colleagues just lost a viewer now, as I will rather follow this show closely!!

Bishop James Ussher (Irish) devised in the early 17th century that the world was created at 6pm on Saturday, October 22nd, 4004BC (flat of course)! H.G. Wells referred to it as “this fantastically precise misconception” in 1922 (and I must agree!), but he was still unable to give a better prediction. The Old Testament provided a scattered puzzle of people’s life, age and historical events that made it possible to backtrack the day of God’s creation. Never mind the fact that Adam then lived to be 930 years old and descendants and record holder (so far) Methuselah lived to be 969 years old! A healthy climate, abundance of food and absence of diseases helped to explain this! Augustine (“Give me chastity – but not yet”) deducted amongst other things from this that they reached puberty late back in the days...


Backtracking the 6 days of creation became imperative in this work. Great minds like Thomas Burnet and Isaac Newton concluded that since earth itself was created on the 3rd day, the two first days could have been as long as it suited their theories (!). Newton explained further that God created earth stationary and only gradually started to spin! How wrinkled mustn’t Adam have been after 930 slow moving years only covered by a leaf under the burning sun?!

George-Louis Leclerc de Buffon based his work on solid scientific principles and evidence of nature. This was a new approach! Edmund Halley (Halley’s comet) had tried to measure the increasing saltiness of the sea and based on this backtrack the age of earth. Other than this, all attempts had been strictly biblical. Any “scientific” methods were used to back up biblical accounts!

Buffons theory however scrapped all biblical accounts! Earth was created by a comet that hit the sun. Glowing minerals was thrown into space (I assume!) and formed earth. In a stroke he reduced the world’s creation, the glorious masterpiece from the Supreme Architect God to nothing but a catastrophic accident! Your parents romp that accidentally made you is nothing compared to this!!

Newton estimated that the earth’s age was 50.000 years based on a comet-sun impact and the time it would take for earth to cool down, but there was never any doubt in his mind that the bible was correct. In 1765 when Jean-Jacques Dortous de Mairan (mathematician) revealed that earth contained an inner source of heat. Buffon was re-inspired by the fact that this backed his Newtonian cooling earth theory. He declared Siberia the “cradle of life” as it had once been hot and humid like Africa. My second home country currently holds the “cradle of human kind” so I’m not entirely happy about the challenge that this theory represent. However I trust that this theory will ridicule itself! Catherine II of Russia however was very pleased that all living creatures seemed to have popped out of her beloved Russia! Weighing the different materials that earth consists of, Buffon calculated that earth would have taken a total of 74.047 years to reach its current temperature. Adding the suns influence he landed on 74.832 years as published in his Epoch of Nature.

It took according to Buffon 35.000 years for water to condense out of the atmosphere to form oceans (of what was left between the continents). As a “could have been farmer” I strongly object to this as I have more than once boiled the potatoes dry twice before ready. Clearly with the heat in question caused by the sun or comets or whatever... we would have had deserts left and only occasional ponds, salty like the Dead Sea! So out of a limited 75.000 years I would have theoretically granted the species a larger portion of that time to develop.

Only after 60.000 years according to Buffon had the temperature dropped enough for the first land animals like elephants and rhinos to appear in the jungles of Siberia. Mankind showed up after 70.000 years so that the early gurus’ estimations of 4-6000 years at least for man could be accepted. It was thus independently proved to conveniently match the biblical tales. Buffon never questioned Adams 930 slow years, but since the world had now spun for 70.000 years already it was pretty much up to speed with our years nowadays I would guess. A comparatively much shorter 930 years in other words, but still a long life!

Lucky for Buffon at the time, there were no talking about humanoids and Neanderthals that could prove his theories wrong! Man was created last to take the sceptre of the earth only when it was found worthy of “his empire”! Buffon could therefore enjoy the fame, although it didn’t go exactly as he would’ve hoped! People admired his writing style, but doubted his arguments and rather took to his theories as enjoyable philosophy and early science fiction. Very much like that small boy in Norway with the biblical stories presented to him!

Nina Azari, a neuroscientist with a doctorate in theology, has looked at the brains of religious compared to non religious people. She has measured the brain activity whilst citing the 23rd psalm, a “happy” story and a neutral text. The religious guys in her test-panel all agreed that citing the 23rd psalm helped them enter a religious state of mind, so it would be interesting to compare this with the non religious guys. Previous research on the field has suggested that the limbic system (which regulates emotions) is an important centre of religious activity. Therefore it was expected that the religious people had quite high activity in the limbic system. However, the 23rd psalm caused activity other places than expected... and only for the religious guys. The only thing that triggered limbic activity among all, was the happy story! Religion affects many areas of the brain apparently. A so called God-spot however is derived from work conducted on epileptics. The reports suggest that religious visions are the result of epileptic seizures that affect this part of the brain (!!).I am amazed by the fact that all the brainiacs in time, that still have a name in history, went out of their way to confirm and entangle visions caused by epileptic seizures into their theories??!! I’m starting to question gravity here now!!

Zim election!

Our domestic helper (Judith) went home to Zimbabwe recently to visit family. Upon arrival officials took her passport, and rumours said that it was because of the election at the end of March, tomorrow to be specific.

Earlier this month Judiths husband went to deliver his vote back in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. At the same time he asked what options Judith had, being in South Africa. They soon found out that Judith had in fact voted already - but she was completely unaware herself. No wonder Mugabe is confiscating passports! It doesn't hit the media like the ordinary massacres. I was just thinking about all those people that drowns trying to cross the river to South Africa. If Mugabe has put up a net downstream, he can probably pick up a lot of passports... and Zim-salabim VOTES!!

The newspapers report that everything looks fine in the Zimbabwean election. What a joke!!

π×∞µ = GOD!!

Eureka! I’ve been wondering about the existence of GOD and time travels recently. Now I think I’ve found the missing link, or at least the guy that can provide me with the missing answers to my puzzle!

Michael Heller, a 72 year old Roman Catholic priest, pioneering cosmologist, and mathematical philosopher is my man! Mr Heller was a friend of late Pope John Paul II, now aspiring saint. Pope John Paul evidently used his influence on Mr Hellers mathematical abilities to provide circumstantial evidence of God’s existence! Wow!!

I like maths, and I have actually played with the idea that mathematical formulas can explain things that happen in the universe. In my job I always look for an opportunity to put anything into a spreadsheet with suitable formulas. In marketing it’s widely accepted that 1+1=3. Mr Heller has taken it a couple of steps further and made formulas that can explain everything, even calculate chance. The chance of winning the lottery is easy to calculate, as you have a certain framework to work within, like 6 numbers out of 42. I don’t know exactly in what relation Mr Heller can now calculate the chance, but figure that it’s more like chance of a meteor hitting your head as opposed to my head, pretty advanced!

To actually calculate and prove the existence of God is quite impressive, and would require a damn huge spreadsheet I’m guessing. To prove this mathematically and scientifically is for me one step closer to believing... although with my higher grade maths and economics Mr Heller could still easily bullshit me with his formula. How could I trust whatever comes out of his formula? All I know is that there is money involved, which makes me sceptical! The price money which is £820.000 is more than the Nobel Foundation splash out. Although Mr Heller says he will donate the price money, I’m sure The Catholic church has been very interested in getting the right outcome of his formula! Who can prove this guy wrong anyway?!

There is just one thing that makes me a little bit sceptical. An expression goes; “Seek and you will find (what you are looking for)”. As a marketing student I learnt how important it is to have an open mind and stay neutral both when you create your survey as well as when you interpret your data. Mr Heller, a Roman Catholic priest has no doubt got a biased mind here. If there is more than one God, I fear that Mr Heller’s formula will systematically ignore any but a Catholic God. I will therefore spend some time before departure to study the formula extensively and seek to neutralize any Catholic biased criteria.

Make no mistake; I don’t want this guy to fail, not at all! I’m not laughing. I’ve thrown all my Jante baggage aside and currently looking at the exciting opportunities that this opens up for. My spiritual time travel does not seem so farfetched any more at all. The backing of a priest/cosmologist/mathematician is probably just what I needed to make this dream come true! I should be able to get funding from all over the place. A few years ago I backed out of a kayak expedition along the coast of Greenland – because of the cost involved of course (nothing else). The whole concept did not have the necessary “wow” effect to get sponsors onboard for an un-described explorer like myself. This time however, I have a project that will make people laugh at moon walks, and building space stations will be simple as building Lego in comparison. NASA and ambitious companies within aviation, exploration, extreme sports and religions (in search of God) and you name it - simply cannot ignore and not fund this project. If your competitor was braver than you, you can pretty much close down your business when I return with my report from God! You’ll be branded an unbeliever and a heretic ...

If Mr Heller can prove the existence of God, then it must be just a matter of time before he can locate God also. Soon, with the help of Mr Heller’s formula and an oversized silicone systems computer installed in my space shuttle, I will know every supernova and bump on the path leading to God - in heaven I assume!

Just for my own preparations sake, so that I know what I’m facing and so that I won’t make an ass of myself, it would be nice if Mr Heller could specify what religious orientation God belongs to. After finding God, it should be an easy task to determine this! Well, maybe this should be held a secret until the necessary funding and arrangements are made and I’m well on my way.

Judgment Day

I’ve been accused of having a negative focus, and I will partly blame that on the Law of Jante. What more natural then than to think about Judgment Day? Well, it was accidental that I came over this book with a couple of quotes that caught my attention. With my negative focus it was simply the law of attraction and the universe’ answer to my inner calling (Ref The Secret), so I had it coming sooner or later!

Jesus said (according to Matt 25, 31); “Judgment Day will come and all people will have their sentence”. A question then arises in my mind. Is this; (1) one specific day, that no doubt will go down in history unless it wipes out all and everything, or (2) is it one day for each and every one of us like for instance the day we die?

If (1) a specific day in history: Jesus promised this day almost 2000 years ago (or thereabout) but still nothing?! You may go through Nostradamus’ (That’s one guy with a more negative focus than me by the way!) predictions one more time, with a different set of goggles to see if there is anything you should seriously worry about in your own life time. Jesus further said that evil/bad people will get their eternal punishment or eternal life (Matt 25, 46! I take it that this is supposed to be the heavenly counter offer to eternal punishment!). People who heard this live back in the days, and didn’t have to wait until Matt published and broadcasted it worldwide, have now waited 2000 years for Judgment Day… going on something eternal at least (Waiting). What is this waiting room like I wonder? Laws and legal systems are often founded on good religious values, so I presume that GOD will grant us the same benefit of the doubt. So if you’re innocent until proved otherwise, it should be like the eternal heaven for the mean time, right?

Besides, you can’t possibly bite nails daily for 2000 years! I’m sure those guys are quite chilled and relaxed about it, purgatory or whatever you call it. Imagine you are forced into a situation where your decision will no doubt lead you to eternal punishment (Hell I presume). When Judgment Day arrives that is! How long will your waiting period be, in heaven mind you? Another 2000, 6 or maybe even 10.000 years? Not bad at all I’d say, especially if you like to live NOW and not overly concerned about planning for old age and eternity! I never sold one life insurance or investment annuity of any kind that could match this prospect! Judgment Day is suddenly not so frightening any more, or negative!

(2) however, means that your time will come no matter what, and as soon as you’re dead, your trial starts. This is the propaganda that I grew up with, and to be damn honest – it’s a fair deal! There is really only an UP side to it if (1) should be the true destiny.

Paulus however has a very interesting interpretation that I want to believe in more than anything else out of sheer convenience! He concluded that the death of Jesus (+ some minor technicalities) means that GOD is able and prepared to in his/her Supreme Court to drop all charges against us! Paulus said that; “This, you accept when you believe and have faith, and mercy will come to you in this spirit”! GOD should really be careful and put this in very small print in his contracts. I was very excited to read this and see NO reason whatsoever to sign a contract with GOD after this. I believe in what I see (only!), that’s just the kind of guy I am. Since GOD never showed up in my presence, court or anywhere I’ve heard of, belief and faith is zip zero nada from me!

When my day comes, and I have to settle my life time deficits however, I will reconsider! When GOD presents himself/herself before me, I will have no reason to doubt his/her existence any more. I’m that easy to convince (Well, maybe I’ll pinch GOD’s arm just to check)! You can run a polygraph and a faith test on me after that and I’ll be 100% rock solid (steady) in my belief! With my newly acquired faith GOD will then have to grant me mercy in his Supreme Court. FANTASTIC!! I can multitask deadly sins and risk nothing basically!! I feel like a kid inside Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory! It’s like Pick’n’NOT Pay from the top shelf. The Vatican has added some modern vices to the traditional deadly sins… I must really update myself on optional vices. What was all that nonsense about negative focus??