Election Reflections

I’m live streaming 94.7 Highveld Stereo, Joburgs bumper to bumper traffic entertainment number one. Damn, I didn’t know just how much I’ve missed it before now. Over the next few days I will make serious attempts to catch Wackheads morning pranks. If not in the traffic, I would make up excuses to catch Wackhead before doing whatever… Just heard they run amazing (Nandos) election campaigns for ANC these days, So I’m looking forward to some juicy stuff there...

I couldn’t escape some SA election stuff in any event. I predict that Zuma wins a landslide election… duh!!! The election was over last year when Zuma closed down the scorpions (corruption task force on Zumas tail).

I also see that Shabir Shaik (corruption & fraud) is due for medical parole (although nobody can tell what’s wrong with him) less than 3 years into his 15 years sentence. I doubt he will need it. Zuma must still be thankful for the millions he received, so I predict a presidential pardon and a miraculous recovery for Mr Shaik. His corruption track record will ensure a promising political career in the years to come. Lots of old news can be brought against Zuma of course, but I do honestly believe, and I predict once again that he will reduce the rape statistics significantly! Zuma’s own rape charges (where he showered off the HIV germs) illustrate this. According to Zulu traditions that Zuma refers to, “… it’s a crime to deny a woman sex when she is ready”. No wonder Zuma saw it best to fuck her brains out. A lousy fuck must also be a felon… I’m only confused about the “readiness” factor (in a rape charge). I wonder if this could be introduced elsewhere (like in Norway), or does Zulus have extra sensitive senses to detect "readiness"?

My condolences go to the people of the African continent. SA used to be in the forefront and have some sort of development to show for. The political situation though is in my eyes going down the drain and culminates with Zuma in office. SA as an example used to give an ounce of hope for other African states. Now it seems like SA is copying… I wonder if Zimbabwe is not the ideal?! It confirms that we did the right thing to leave SA last year, but that doesn't make me very happy. Funny to think back now how I planned to get myself a crossbow and night optics only months ago in pure rage. The political situation and crime was exactly our reasons. I hope I’m not clairvoyant about all my predictions though.

The Zapiro cartoons showed above are used with permission from Zapiro, and more brilliant cartoons can be found at http://www.zapiro.com/.

Jacob Zuma on Facebook (Screenshot only)

Hot Skando Babes Ltd

Scientists have combined psychology, neurology, economy and gaming theories and developed what they have named Behavioral Economics. One of the founding fathers, Daniel Kahnemann, got the Nobel prize in economics in 2002. Since existing economic models and theories are unable to explain the finance crisis we needed something new.

A number of books on the area are already out there, but Dan Ariely’s “Predictable Irrationality – The hidden forces that shape our decisions” is one of the important ones. He has asked male students to describe themselves when sexually aroused, and whether they would put dope in the drink to get a woman to bed when they are horny, amongst other things. Afterwards though, they are asked to answer the same questions whilst masturbating over an issue of Playboy. The guys were 136% more willing to participate in immoral activities. Duh!!

The founding fathers of Hot Skando Babes Ltd (HSB), myself & Beaverboosh, has suspected this since puberty, and conducted a series of similar market analyses over years, ahead of the launch last year. Managers in the biggest banks and multinational companies like Enron, Société Générale, Lehman Brothers, Citibank, Bear Stearns, AIG and Stanford Bank just to name a few contributed. The global list of participants is of course too long to include here. Our testing universe was extensive in order to make a representative selection of the entire worlds (old school) market economy. We were able to do this in such a large scale because the market analysis in itself proved to be extremely profitable. We simply put a Hot Skando Babe on the manager’s lap and asked questions as to how far (immorally) they would go in order to “get her”. Trained Skando Babes conducted the interview themselves so that a third interviewer would not affect the answers and credibility. The conclusion was that Hot Skando Babes Ltd is fit to thrive in today’s increasingly ruthless business world. Word of mouth and private networking has helped Hot Skando Babes a lot. On our regulars list of excellent businessmen who recommends Hot Skando Babes we've got Eliot Spitzer, Jérôme Kerviel, Marc Dreier and Bernard Madoff among many others.Dan Ariely used Playboy issues picturing Hot Skando Babes and similar methods as we used and thus reached the same conclusions. Our research though, was conducted on a decision making level (not pennyless students) and a much more profitable segment. Dan Ariely is clearly a copycat, and I am very hurt that we were not even credited in his research papers and recent book. Never mind a Nobel prize in economic theory!

Hot Skando Babes Ltd had however built up sufficient funds through our market analyses to do a global launch last year, and the business has been booming. Dan Ariely has of course made good money on his book violating our research copy rights and Hot Skando Babe’s good name and reputation. Hot Skando Babes Ltd has however decided not to sue Dan Ariely. Instead the board has decided to kill him with kindness and send over a Hot Skando Babe to his office.

In a pursuit to explain our fabulous success we have so far found a correlation between HSB revenues and the decline in the global stockmarkets. This is of course intriguing and our Skando Babe analysts are still busy deciphering these remarkable findings. When it comes to customer satisfaction we have achieved immediate and short term top scores. The long term customer satisfaction is however challenging to say the least, and this will be our main focus in the coming months. One of the measures is to install hidden cameras to analyze the client interaction. We believe this will provide important new information that we can use to u-turn this negative trend. In the mean while, we wish all our clients wealth and happiness and that we can avoid the brewing war. After all, their success is our success!

Mutant war

The Brazilian president, Luiz Inacio ”Lula” da Silva has blamed ”blue eyed white people” for the financial crisis. I feel hurt and seriously offended since I fit strikingly into this group. It is scientifically explained that blue eyes came about as a mutation 6-10.000 years ago. Lula is using the financial crisis to attack a group that he apparently bears grudge against – me and my fellow mutants! I wonder why though? Did he ever meet a Hot Skando (mutant) Babe? Why does this sound so familiar? History is repeating itself of course, just like in the documentaries I saw recently about the X-men.Jews, mutants or any other group… it’s easy and convenient to join the warmonging mob during times of crisis. People need to blame somebody, and it surely doesn’t help that the Hot Skando (mutant) Babes are outperforming everybody else. I can see crystal clear that this is brewing up to a war. Lula will wipe us out if he gets a chance. We can no longer rely on much support from the US government like we had for the last two periods. Yes, Bush was a blue eyed blond undercover mutant. Nobody had a clue whilst he was in office. In retrospect though, hindsight is of course 20/20. Anyway, this will be the next world war – mutants against the rest.Our mutation was very successful though, so we’re not a small group. The X-men had Xavier with his telepathic abilities to locate and gather the mutants. It is my calling to gather the blue eyed mutants, but telepathy and mindreading is not my area of expertise. I might not need to since our characteristic mutation can easily be picked out from the crowd. I will look out for undercover agents with blue contact lenses and dyed hair though. A control question from "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" will smoke out enemy spies. The Hot Skando Babes are already organized and the infrastructure and logistics ready set up, so we should be prepared in relatively short time. This is WAR! We’re ready for you Lula, bring it on!!

Evolution in theories

Charles Darwin and evolution has frequented the media more lately than ever when he was alive. We're celebrating his 200th birthday and his theories that most people, except religious fanatics, still regard as the true answer. Some claim that “Origin of the Species” could have celebrated 170 years (not 150 years) if Charles wasn’t scared to upset his religious wife. The pope will probably agree to call this the year of the rat (or some lesser being) because of all the troublesome noise it whirls up.

Darwin took interest in Malthus’ theories on the population’s development. Malthus was against charity and social welfare as it was interfering with nature and would only worsen the problem. William Wilberforce and his abolitionist movement (against slavery) must have been real trouble causers in his eyes. Darwin though, realized that the struggle for existence was more than charity could deal with, but Maltus’ theories and numbers were still intriguing.Malthus calculated that the world’s population would double every 25 years if it continued to grow unchecked. Rather an exponential development I would think, like the rabbit case down under. Darwin saw that this did not happen because there was already a struggle for existence. Darwin’s conclusions were based on population figures back then. What about today then? I remember the world population number being 4 billion people (maybe 25 years ago), and today I hear it’s 6.7 billion. The Chinese people where numerous but poor before. With the shift in the global economy, I predict that hardwired ($$$) Chinese women will be ever so willing. We are certainly getting closer to Malthus’ calculations by the day. So maybe Malthus was right after all. If it wasn’t for the plague, powerty, wars and AIDS… we would have been the rabbit case long time ago!

While Darwin’s published works contained his theories and principles, his personal letters showed disregard and contempt towards neighboring people even on the British Isles. After putting my own views on a tough test in the post Apartheid South Africa, it would have been interesting to have a beer with (someone from history) Darwin and Malthus in the shabeens in today’s Soweto or Diepsloet. Would they reinstate Apartheid?

So, Darwin didn’t necessary cheer for every single twist and turn on the social status ladder, even though they could prove fit with his own theories. Still, I wonder if Darwin didn’t just express his own prejudiced attitudes. His very religious wife who held him on a short leash for many years is obviously reflected. All the built up anger and frustrations tailored his theories against his wife and higher powers. That’s just how the mind works. Poor depraved man. You have to know the man to understand how his ideas came about. Nurtured through prejudice and vengeance, that’s all.

For 150 years now we have confirmed and proved to ourselves in every possible way that evolution is the answer – not God. It’s like when you want confirmation that you did the right thing when you bought that overly expensive new car… or how every famous dude in history made theories that complied with the bible. I don’t find the genie or the monkey theory very appealing. I think it’s time to think outside the box (forget God and evolution) and come up with some better stories… a new truth that we can convince ourselves to believe in for at least another 50-100 years. Given the times of economic depression, I believe I can monetize on a new and more appealing theory. Since Hot Skando Babes Ltd is doing so well, it could maybe help explain a new and sexier theory…

"Never allow a good crisis to go to waste" - Rahm Emanuel (Barrack Obama administration)

Opportunities

Iceland is bankrupt, the biggest companies in the world are faltering. Capitalist market number one, the US is anything but rock steady and the financial crisis is threatening the free market economy that I used to be a firm believer in. For four years I opened my mind wide open and let myself brainwash with the latest in capitalist thinking and marketing in a free economy. Hell, I didn’t just volunteer either. I paid for it! Errrr... still paying for it...

Look hard and you will find this among Nostradamus’ predictions, but he was no capitalist guru. Adam Smith, John Maynard Keynes, Porter and all the gurus that I worshipped unconditionally never mentioned anything about the chance of a meltdown like this. As a student I/we believed that all the theories applied would lead to Nirvana or some kind of utopian society! The crash of the stock market in 1929 was hush hush and best forgotten. After 1929, communism was still the enemy.

The US, and western economies throughout Europe are injecting capital in a bottomless drain to save companies and economies that are unfit to survive without intervention. They are acting more socialistic than China! I used to think that the capitalism was the Darwinism (Survival of the fittest/natural selection) for money markets. The former capitalist locomotive and arch enemy of socialism is now pissing on the theories of monetary evolution. Engels and Marx must be laughing their guts out in their graves right now! The communists in China on the other hand have applied the capitalist theories better than anybody else. Red carpets are rolled out for them in all the aspiring colonies throughout Africa.

Likewise, Norway should grab the opportunities that lie before us. A socialist society like Norway should be able to follow suit and copy China’s example. We could make Iceland an offer for starter. Climate wise Iceland is not worth fighting for, with the exception of Heitipottur though, never mind the debt attached. Who knows what tourism and hidden natural resources might collect? Besides, real estate is always a good thing! Mauritius is also looking to invest in new land, scared that their sand banks will soon dip below sea level. Why not make them an offer too. We could invest some oil money, or swop with some mountainous plots high above sea level between our precious glaciers. That way we can open up a domestic flight between Oslo Gardermoen (OSL) and The Sir Seewoosagur Ramgoolam International Airport (SSR) and defrost once in a while during the cold Norwegian winter. When the financial crisis has worked for a while, who knows what other opportunities may arise? We might end up with a much more desirable homeland and climate at the end of it... If we can outrun China I might even be able to return to O. R. Tambo (Joburg, South Africa) on a domestic flight.

The American porn industry is asking for financial aid in this time of crisis and depression, arguing that people could need some excitement to cheer up. After 9/11 people instinctively fu**ed like rabbits. It was like a biological anti annihilation mechanism kicked in, Darwinism in its purest form. The financial crisis is slow torture in comparison and seems to have the opposite effect. The local business school here in Bergen, Norges HandelsHøyskole (NHH), is also struggling to sell their sexy calendar picturing petite blondes. So maybe the American porn industry has a point. Instead of pumping billions of dollars down that drain, maybe they should rather start in the other end and inject some Viagra and free access to porn for the people to kick-start the economy?!

New evidence brought to my attention by Beaverboosh that women are hardwired to choose ($$$) wealthy men support my theory. It clearly contributes to the downward depressive spiral that we currently see. The porn industry however, in collaboration with the pharmaceutical (Viagra) industry, can help us override this by jumpstarting the hormones and encouraging more spontaneous and frivolous activity. Mark my words, this will rub off and be an exciting turning point for the world economy. Meanwhile, in-between random bonking on the street corners, I will reinvest the extra dimes in my mattress in the porn industry to make sure that I come out on top and become an irresistible catch for the hardwired opposite sex!

Bergen - A city of pervs

On a trip downtown today I found it best to take a taxi. People here often resort to taxis because of the rain. Judging from the big pools of water around, they could be bottomless. Trained to look for escape routes in the Johannesburg traffic, I quickly confirmed that the car had airbags. Worst comes to worst, I could always trigger the airbags, stay afloat and survive another rainy day.

The taxi driver could tell me that today’s weather was bad even for Bergen. Last year they were only a few days short of 3 months of continuous rain! Other than that, Bergen has had so much of nice weather over the last few years that the rain in Bergen is becoming an undeserved myth! Hammered with rain stats I was speechless in the back seat. It's an unavoidable subject in Bergen, but with statistics like this, and with my own wet experiences lately, its facts - NO BLOODY MYTH!

With the amount of rain you also have to plan your days accordingly. For this people have national weather services on the internet. Everybody in Bergen has bookmarked this site! First thing in the morning you check the weather. During your lunch break and a couple of more times you check again to avoid surprises. It’s like with the crime in South Africa, always stay alert with your guard held high!

The name of the weather service is the biggest joke though, www.yr.no! Yr in Norwegian has a double meaning, “drizzle” and “excited” (horny). Like rain is such a desirable thing?! It doesn't get me off! Rather depressive and impotent. Being in Bergen that's not a temporary state! I suspect the site was founded by somebody in Bergen. He/she must be a real perv but in good company it seems. The streets are crowded with people in rubber from head to toe. Over the years Bergen has of course attracted rubber fetishists worldwide. Here they can all come out of the cot, flourish and live out their rubber desires amongst fellow fetishists without sticking out.This blue eyed stud need no rubber any time soon...

Inside A Black Hole

It’s scientifically proved that it statistically rains more in the weekends. The industrial smoke pipes builds up to a massive downpour on your days off. What doesn’t come down during the weekend is forwarded to Bergen. Mountains also push the warm air up and cause rain. The mountains around Bergen makes sure no rainclouds can escape, but is this the only explanation? What else then?

A black hole theory seems applicable, simply because Bergen IS a black hole. A common misunderstanding is that black holes pull all kinds of physical matter indiscreetly. This is of course nonsense. You have selective black holes (SBH) out there, and this one basically concentrating/specializing on H2O, water. Global rainclouds are drawn to and sucked into the black hole being Bergen (Norway). Scholars disagree on what actually happen to matter that is sucked into a black hole, or how a black hole appears from the inside. I have the questionable pleasure of finding myself in one, and can thus share the insight of my empirical findings so far with the outside world (outside the black hole). Bergen in black hole terms is a relatively young one. How exciting isn't it to follow a black hole all the way from its cradle to our grave…

Global streams (Gulf Stream) in the water and wind patterns are all centred on or caused by Bergen. Like when you pull out the plug in your bathtub, the water will go down the drain. Bergen is the global drain! All the water will a little by little end up in Bergen. Don't fool yourself into believing that this is just a hate speech by a hamarroid struggling to dry up. Melting icebergs at the poles is just one of the symptoms. As opposed to popular belief, and my own assumptions (I confess), the sea level will not rise. It will just end up in Bergen. This will have two extreme implications for life on earth - in Bergen or any other geographical whereabouts. The seas, lakes, rivers, streams and humidity in the air will be sucked dry. Since all living life requires water, everything will die out and turn into a global desert. Sounds familiar? It’s of course useless looking for water on Mars since the black hole there already completed its mission! NASA, wake up! So that's what the future has in store for us... if you're not living in Bergen that is.

In Bergen, it has the opposite effect! Some water is good, but too much is also not good. The Bergen flood is already well documented. You don’t need Nostradamus to predict this one. At this early stage it means that people are for the most part weather bound at home. Today, I had to take a rain check on an invitation to my favourite water-hole (Pub). Storming horizontally outside, I could not manage to open the front door. Trapped inside I’m terrified that the “sinking car” principle applies, and I have to wait until the house is filled (equal pressure inside and outside) with water before I can get out. Poor me, I sold my diving equipment before moving to South Africa… If I survive this one, I will invest in tanks and equipment for the whole family! It could sure come in handy now... or would it just prolong this rain of terror?

So, when the Bergen black hole has done its job, there will be a dead planet of sand and stone… and then a tiny little bubble (Bergen) compressed with water. Nobody really knows what happens inside that black hole. Compressed and compressed to a fraction the pressure will squeeze life out of even the deepest of Norwegian bottom dwellers. The people in Bergen can thus not depend on their own evolutionary speed to outperform the progress of the black hole. Some scientists suggest that a black hole must have a white hole to spew the compressed matter back out, and that this white hole may create conditions where new organic life can grow. Recycling basically! Norwegians and people from Bergen to be more specific, will in any event form the essence of new recycled life.

Although this demonstrates that Norwegians are the chosen people, it causes no wet dreams from my side.