Blue eyed studs!

I’m a mutant! I read it in an article, and scientifically explained in the journal Human Genetics. My blue eyes came about through a mutation about 6-10.000 years ago. I can be classified and grouped safely together with The Teenage Ninja Turtles. The name mutant gives me the notion that I could be in the company of a lot of freaks with extra limbs and other unfortunate mutations out there, but is it really that bad? It did not give me any powers like Spiderman that I’ve discovered so far

Before this mutation took place, everybody had brown eyes apparently. Blue eyes appeared due to a genetic switch that turned down the amount of melanin in the iris. A complete Eskom switch off would have turned us into albinos. Nature stopped the process before it went that far, thank God… or evolution! Today apparently blue eyed people make up a good percentage of the European population. Even in an evolutionary time frame, there has been an explosion of blue eyes in Europe. The question arises; “How can this be?”

Hawk gives me a very satisfactory answer! “This gene does something good for people. It makes them have more kids!” Ok, we’re not making Australian rabbit like explosion with billions of people like in China and India. We don’t need 12 kids for disciples or pension aid. No doubt though, when we set our mind to it and hit the sack, more blue eyes will pop up! We’re the human studs – incredibly reproductive! Our sperm can outrun any competitor’s donations. So if you’re a woman struggling in this department, find yourself a blue eyed stud and consider the matter solved! I take it that Hawk is a member of the scientific crew, so there can be no doubt!

The Human Genetics article never gave any explanation as to what caused this mutation though. The second monkey theory should help explain it once and for all! As opposed to the African monkey which lived in abundance, the Stensby voortrekkers ended up in the much scarcer northern Africa and Middle East before getting to the tip of the Ice berg, Norway. The Old Norwegian tradition of taking surnames after the place of birth should be evidence enough. Stensby = stone + town, as between a rock and a hard place and very scarce. Obviously we were pushed, and had to develop more rapidly in order to survive. The good mutational conditions in Europe along with the genetic gearing resulted in us blue eyed studs! I don't know many blue eyed people with red hair, which means that we steered clear of the Neanderthals, which in turn means we're not overly kinky weirdoes either. Darwin would have put us on a pedestal if he knew, and I suspect that Hitler was on the brink of this discovery although in a different context!

...truth, so help me (GOD)!

I was surprised to read in the newspaper recently that Charles Darwins theories was about to be introduced in the school syllabus for 11 and 12 grade pupils. At grade 11 and 12 you must be around 17 years old – about time I was thinking! By the time I was 15 we had to know the main characteristics of all the major religions + atheism and Darwinism. This was Norway 20 years ago where you had minimal chances of running into any religious orientations but Christianity, let alone monkeys at that time! In today’s South Africa, the Rainbow nation, Cradle of Human Kind and host to various species of monkeys, I’m surprised they haven’t forced the subject at a much earlier stage!

I remember how frustrated I was about having to learn about Hinduism. Today I’m married to a Hindu, although she is very laid back about it. What was the chance of a farmer boy from Norway would marry a South African Hindu girl though? Next to zero I’d say! Especially in a melting pot like South Africa I would think that it’s very important to teach the whole specter for tolerance’s sake!

The story about Jesus’ ascension, walking on water and healing powers was my first introduction to fiction as a young kid. I was watching TV pretty unsupervised, but didn’t fancy it much or believe any of it! It was much later that I picked up interest for Roald Dahl’s fiction and Douglas Adams even later. Still, Lucas and Marcus of the Bible was not my kind of fiction. Especially when people tried to convince me it was true – not fiction!

Now, many years later, I see an opportunity to set this straight once and for all! A guy in the US has filed a lawsuit against God, accusing him/her of neglecting his/her duties and not responding to his complaints! Not just any random chap, but a senator filed the lawsuit! I am SO tempted now to buy a ticket to follow this trial from the first row. No Olympic or World Cup could get close to this one. Who will defend God I wonder? My immediate thought is that the pope and the Catholic Church will provide a good lawyer, but that’s up to God to choose, isn’t it?! What a broadside to the Catholic Church it would be if God chose a protestant, or even a Hindu lawyer! What a spectacle that would make. I’m getting really excited already!

God’s choice of lawyer, and the lawyer’s religious standpoint would settle once and for all the eternal question about the one and only true God/religion, right?! I can see that my RDA-project (Religion Decision Aid), and extensive ongoing piece of work, could be a waste of time in a relatively short while. Although it will probably take a year or two before the trial can take place in the stuffed up American court system, I think I will put my exhaustive work on a hold for so long!

Anything but a Catholic lawyer will rob late Pope Pius of his expected saint status, wings and halo included! Not to mention all the saints who are already flapping around! They will be grounded properly, just like Nationwide Airline here in South Africa these days. Ouch, for a saint that must be worse than losing Olympic medals after cheating like Marion Jones and Ben Johnson I would guess!

The bookmakers must be preparing for bets and a feast of all times, and approaching all possible religious sects to bet on their on their one and only right belief! I think I will diversify my betting portfolio, risk averse as I am. Still, this is an opportunity to earn big bucks! I will put money on outsiders like Taoism and Shinto’s because the odds will no doubt be favorable. Counting the geographical origin of much of the God and Jesus spectacle, I will join Madonna and put some money on the Jewish branch (?) of Kabbala!

I am not a big gambler, but I would put every cent into a diversified religion portfolio bet. My only worry would be that God attacked the bookmakers like Jesus did with the merchants in the market place – then everything would be ruined! I am willing to take that risk though, for this once a lifetime opportunity!!

By the time the trial starts I will already be a rich man, but the fun is yet to come. As this lawsuit is a personal (or godly) attack on God himself, he/she will of course be forced to attend in person/godliness sooner or later. Being the senator’s lawyer I would not miss an opportunity to call God to the stand! Imagine God taking the oath; “I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – so help me (GOD)”!! That would be an awesome and memorable moment that would go down in history!

Also, you make a picture in your mind of people you talk to on the phone, and I’m sure it’s the same for people when they pray to God. Even atheists create a fictitious image of God! I believe I’m not alone when I picture an old wise man with white hair and long beard. There is of course a chance that God is in fact a busty babe. No matter what, beard or boobs, what a waste of accessories!! I’m almost sad on God’s behalf as he/she as nobody to share the “accessories” with in his/her eternal celibacy… but we don’t really know that, do we?! If Hinduism happened to be the one… it would be one hell of a party and no need to feel sorry! And how crowded the courtroom would be with all the Gods on trial!! This can easily become a debate on which god the prayer was directed to, or which god is responsible for this and that. Like in any call centre in big organisations it's important to get these things right, as it is part of the service quality. How can the gods leave us in limbo like this? Not very quality concious I must say, and what a complete lack of respect for their clients.

Journalists will of course be present! The lucky journalist(s) should not miss the opportunity to ask God about Darwin’s theories! How far advanced were Adam and Eve? Were they modern Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Neanderthals or Chimps?! The schools world wide, will in any event get to set the syllabus straight relatively soon! Then all the other heresy will be history to laugh at! I’m so excited I can hardly restrain myself!!

Out of Africa - the first great trek!

I left South Africa for a little while recently for a short trip back home to Norway. I had the warm summer months behind me in South Africa and arriving after the long cold and dark winter months in Norway. In 2-3 weeks time I'll return to South Africa and a not so terrible African winter. The timing for me is perfect! Diving in South Africa in exchange for skiing in the cold is a good deal for me. As I jump off the plane in Norway though it's not the fresh and pleasant summer air that hits me. It's fresh by all means - damn cold!!

The following morning after I arrive in Norway, I wake up early. The grass outside is white! No snow, but frost. A couple of hundred meters further up the road I can still find some snow though. This is May. When I graduated from High School it was a custom... or more like a demand and a group pressure to have a swim in the lake before the 1st of May. That sounds pretty ridiculous and not very tempting right now. I did it back then... and a lot of other stupid stuff of course. I almost slip and cripple myself on the frosty and slippery stairs outside when I'm going to get the newspaper. I curse my own ancestors for settling down up here.A local character with a passion for nature, wildlife and geology has reconstructed a Mammoth. That's the kind of things that you find around here. The remains of the Mammoth was well kept and possible to rebuild. That can only happen at this latitude in ice or permanently frosted ground... so you can imagine what we have to deal with up here. They have put the Mammoth inside a big house now... can't leave it out in the cold of course. But why the hell did they have to travel so far north - my ancestors? They must have noticed how it was getting colder and colder further north, right?

I took my son for a stroll on a small road inside the woods here. We saw a hare that was in the process of changing from winter to summer fur. At first I thought it was a rock with some kind of white fungus growing on it. Then as the rock started jumping, I realized that the fungus was actually the ears that was still white and that the legs was also still white. The snow had evidently left only a short while ago. Later in the day as I walked downtown I noticed all the pale people! Natures way is truly incredible... they still had their full winter camouflage intact!
I went to Sterkfontein in South Africa recently, and the Cradle of Human Kind. If it's true what they claim, then South Africa is where the first humans set their foot. Mrs Ples and Littlefoot did at least. This was a long time ago of course. Probably back in the days when there was only one big super continent called the Pangea. The Pangea started splitting up and drift apart and became Africa and Europe and the rest like we know it today. The early humans started off in the south and obviously spread out across the one and only (still) continent. Then a few of them jumped over to Europe just in time for the European voyage. The same thing with the Americans and Asians. Australia was a different story - that was deportation and much much later!

Anyway, my theory is that all humans at this early stage was in fact black. Then as they jumped over to more appealing continents, nature helped them to adapt to their new neighborhoods. Obviously the northern settlers needed to blend in with the snow to sneak in on the animals. So nature bleached us, plain and simple. Charles Darwin forgot to mention this in his book; "Survival of the fittest". Pale as we are... we are fitter than most imaginable creatures up here in the ice and snow.

I can picture my own ancestors standing there on the northern edge of the African continent... around Egypt... some in Alger maybe. The gap to the other side was getting bigger, and they were forced to make a decision. Which side do they prefer? On the one side they had elephants, rhinos and springbok. On the other side they could see the mammoths, elks and deer. The elephants and rhinos were too scary... and the springboks too hard to catch. Except for the mammoth, it appeared to be a good trade. It was a moment of now or never... so they jumped over to the other side. A giant leap for man, a bigger one for mankind... and fatal for me! Neil Armstrong stole that line from my ancestors for his puny moonwalk. Proof of mankinds idiocy both. Well, on the bright side (back then - not now), the temperature must have been pleasant on the opposite shore of the Mediterranean stream/pond. The morons kept going and followed the animals into the snowy and icy mountains though, and settled down almost on top of a glacier. No bloody excuse for that!

I read this book recently about historys biggest blunders. My forefathers are not mentioned anywhere, although worthy of the first volume alone in my view. I mean, if they wanted a cool breeze and some occasional snow... couldn't they just climb up in the Drakensberg for a short while... or Mount Kenya... worst case Kilimanjaro??? No, they had to come all the way up here and sit down next to an eternal iceberg. In Norway we've got some rules for when you're walking in the mountains... and one goes; "it's never too late to turn back"!! I don't know if that applied back then... it should of course. Maybe the chief that was guiding his clan was just too bloody proud to do so... and didn't want to lose face. Considering that they came from the south, that is highly possible. I know a lot about "losing face cultures"! Not losing face brought me here... and through a Bangkok marathon!

The Boer people in South Africa made a "Great Trek" and called themselves voortrekkers, although it was a walk in the park compared to "our trek". My forfathers made a huge trek and a leap if that's anything to be proud of. My roots were planted up here... and now I have to deal with it. Slipping on the stairs is just one of the minor hazards around... although the mammoths are gone long time ago, domesticated or kept indoors - thank god(s). Now I've dealt with it though, and booked my ticket back to South Africa on May 20st.