Useful South African words & phrases

Amanzi (Zulu) - Water
Biltong - Dried meat of various game
Boet - (Afrikaans) Friend
Braai (General SA) – Barbeque
Braaivleis -
Bunny Chow – Curry in a dugout loaf
Chaffed (Indian SA) – Satisfied, happy
Charou - Indian South African people
China (General SA) - Friend (affectionate) "Howzit my China?"
Chow (Indian SA) – Eat "Let's chow/let's have a chow" (food)
Doose - (Afrikaans) Derogatory! Box/Cunt/pussy (also used for "idiot" by some...)
Dop – A drink (originally a hottentot term)
Fokken aap - (Afrikaans) F***ing monkey
Game - Wild animals
Goeie More (Afrikaans) - Good morning
Guji/Banja People (Indian SA) - Gujerati People
Hamba Kahle (Zulu) - Go well (Bye) "Let's hamba - let's go"
Hawker - Road salesman
Howzit - SA greeting
Hoe gaan dit (Afrikaans) - Howzit (How is it going?)
Inkosi (Zulu) - Chief (respectful term)
Kaffir - Derogatory for black people (or anything but white)
Kak (General SA) – Shit
Kwerekwere 1 (In Zimbabwe) - Shona People
Kwerekwere 2 (Used by South African tribes) - Foreigner
Larney/lani - Snob, upper class
Lekker - Expressing approval! Nice
Lobola (African) - Sheep/money from the groom to the bride's family
Moffie - (Afrikaans) derogatory for gay
Moor - Hit/kill, "I'll fokken moor you"
Muti - Magical medicine (made from human and animal organs/body parts)
Muti kill - Killing to get organs for muti
Muti thief - Tsotsi "blessed" by a Sangoma and given strong muti (for bravery)
Ngiyaphila (Zulu) - I am well/ok (I am alive)
Ngisaphila (Zulu) - I am still well/ok (I am still alive)
Nyama (African ?)- Animal/meat
Pap/Puto – Mielie meal mash (staple food for a lot of blacks in Southern Africa)
Potji - Traditional pot or Boer dish
Robot - Traffic light
Roti People (Indian SA) - Hindi People
Sala Kahle (Zulu) - Stay well (Bye)
Sangoma - Doctor (Which doctor)
Sawubona (Zulu) - Welcome
Sharp Sharp! - Good/OK/under control
Sulla People (Indian SA) - Muslim Indians
Tagati (Zulu) - Bewitched
Tokoloshe (African superstition) - Small creature called upon by a Sangoma to haunt you
Tsotsi - Thief
Umlungu 1 (Zulu++) - Foam on the beach made by the sea!
Umlungu 2 (Zulu++) - White Man (derogatory ?/!)
Unjani (Zulu) - How are you?
Yebo (Zulu) – Yes

Books of interest

From Armageddon to the fall of Rome; Erik Durschmied
The Book - A Wife Manual; Caveman Neanderthalis McManus
The Dangerous Book for Boys; Conn Iggulden
Diamonds, Gold and War. The Making of South Africa; Martin Meredith
Screw it, let's do it; Richard Branson
Burton and Speke; William Harrison
Into Africa; Martin Dugard
Latitude Zero; Gianni Guadalupi & Antony Shugaar
Measuring Eternity; Martin Gorst
White Gold; Giles Milton
Am I a Hindu? The Hinduism Primer; Ed. Viswanathan
As they say in Zanzibar; David Crystal
Curry. A tale of cooks and conquerors; Lizzie Collingham
Dark Star Safari; Paul Theroux
Discovery. Journeys into the unknown
Empire of Blue Water; Stephan Talty
God-101; Allan W. Janssen
Holy Cow. An Indian Adventure; Sarah MacDonald
In the words of Nelson Mandela
King Leopolds Ghost; Adam Hochschild
Kublai Khan; John Man
Natal and Zululand; Duminy and Guest
Nathaniel's Nutmeg; Giles Milton
Samurai William; Giles Milton
South Africa: The First Man, the Last Nation; R.W. Johnson
The Great Transformation; Karen Armstrong
The Last Mughal: The Fall of a Dynasty: Delhi, 1857; William Dalrymple
The shadow of the sun
The Shark God
The Trader. The Owner. The Slave; James Walvin
The Trouble with Africa; Vic Guhrs
Three Empires on the Nile: The Victorian Jihad, 1869-1899; Dominic Green
Thug. The true story of India's murderous cult; Mike Dash
Tip & Run. The untold tragedy of the Great War in Africa; Edward Pace
Zanzibar Chest; Aidan Hartley

Crime, Sun Tzu and Green Mambas

People constantly ask me how on earth we could move from Norway to South Africa… and looking at me like I’m cuckoo, in delusion and not 100%. To which I can mention countless arguments… but of course there are pros… and cons! One of the cons is of course security and the crime issues here… and I assume the reason that people think we’re mad.

For seven years I’ve come here on vacation, and of course seen the high walls, the barking dogs and the “armed response” signs on the gates. I’ve seen the headlines in the newspapers. Still we have not been scared off, at least not enough to not settle down here. Once you are here though, the same stories and headlines have more effect on you. Always in the back of your mind…

Relatively, we have spent more money on housing and finding the right area with security than we would have bothered with in Norway. I’m comparing apples and pears, I know, but still! Then we’ve carried on living and felt safe and comfortable. All the stories have been about “other people”, living in less secure areas or something to that effect. I’ve been in denial - denying for myself the fact that this happens right under my own nose… but to “others”, not me!

Right before we moved from Johannesburg, Fourways (Lonehill Village Estate), there was a woman in the complex that was traumatized after thieves had broken in, threatened her and locked her up and who knows what else. The day I delivered the keys, a security guard was held at gunpoint and needed psychological treatment… Maybe “Fort Knox” wasn’t that safe after all?

Now we’ve moved to a micro-complex here in Pretoria… and security wise left more to ourselves. Considering the area and the high walls with electric fencing, we’ve felt pretty safe and comfortable. The first few days the alarm went off 3-4 times, but we knew that it was just a tree that caused it and needed a trim. For 3 months now it’s been no problem. Suddenly, Friday night at 2 o’clock in the morning, the alarm goes off! The whole family is alarmed and we are scouting out of the windows. Eventually, the father in the house, has to go out and check… and turn off the alarm. Before switching off the alarm though, I walk down to the gate armed with my diving knife that looks like a Rambo knife. Can’t see anything in the dark, so eventually I turn the alarm off and we all go back to bed.

After a thorough check on Monday morning though, we find that the electric fence was actually cut right next to the gate. Clean cut with a tool! This is in a corner towards the neighbor’s property, and I was standing right there that night… The neighbor’s wall was just for show in ancient times, and not meant to keep anybody out. With no particular effort, you can climb up that wall and face only a 40-50cm electric hurdle over to our property.

I’m talking to the armed security guards who are patrolling our area, and telling them what’s happened. “This wall is useless”; he is saying about the neighbor’s wall. Actually, it is very “useful” I’m telling them, but for the thieves! “Stairs, a ladder… or a wall like this makes no difference”! The guards are laughing at me. Are these guys to be trusted? Maybe they are bringing in some extra cash during the nights, and now finding the perfect loopholes with my aid?! How stupid can I be!! I should learn to trust nobody here I think…

“Why the hell did they cut the wire, when they could just jump over the fence?!” I’m thinking. They were either non confrontational, or stupid! Non confrontational thieves have no business in South Africa, which could only confirm once again Pablo’s second ape theory in my mind! They were just too bloody stupid to understand how easy it was… but blew it with their lack of IQ, thank god! Or were they just checking out the security measures, the alarm system and the guy with the Rambo knife… only to come back when we are comfortable and naively ignorant again?! Hmmm, which is it??? Brainers or not???

I’ve been pondering again lately… what if it happens again, brainers or not?! You can always have 911 on a speed dial… but with all the stories I’ve heard I shouldn’t count too much on the police. Now I’ve got those patrolling security guards on a speed dial… but thinking maybe we should sign up with one of these security companies also… for us privately! I still don’t feel satisfied…

Maybe I should get a weapon for self defense?! Not a gun… that would be too much of hassle with permits and stuff. As a diver I’ve wanted to get a harpoon gun. A diver with a passion for spear fishing should of course have a decent harpoon gun. If not a harpoon gun, then a cross bow! It would be silent and painful... and give the thieves a valuable lesson…hehe! As a kid I was playing with bow and arrow and dipping the arrows in adder venom like the pygmies in my Phantom magazines. I caught the adders in the woods… played with them and kept them as pets… and combined my two hobbies you might say. Nothing “of significance” fell prey to my lethal arrows back then, but maybe I should look for some mambas and pick it up again?! I know a place around the corner where mambas grow on trees…This is war, and I know my art of war! Sun Tzu says; “Know your enemy”. The thief comes to me, not the other way around, and there are millions of thieves around so it’s hard to provide sufficient intelligence for little me. I could at least make sure I see them before they see me in the dark of the night! I will get some night vision binoculars like the ones that Hannibal Lecter used in Silence of the Lambs… Hannibal Lecter, Navy Seals and Jonny!

Sun Tzu further says; “Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance”! I will let him over the wall… let him come closer and watch his arrogance grow. Peace of cake he’ll think… just before my mamba arrow hits his bum. Quickly I will change position and fire from another angle and aim for buttock number two. He’ll think there is an army on his tail. The mamba arrows will burn worse than yesterday's extra hot peri peri chicken from Nandos, and he will beg me to let him go! Reluctantly I will release him and let him pass the word around… and sleep like a baby!

Harpoon gun or cross bow? Eenie meenie miney moe…

Black Economic Empowerment or blue elephants?

I am not heaven sent from Norway! Beaverboosh grounded me (and Norway) nicely yesterday. I do have some issues with the BEE (Black Economic Empowerment) in South Africa though. That does not mean that I don’t understand… coz I do know the history, and this should not label me as a racist either I believe.

First of all, how can you use racial distinction to create a non-racial society? That’s what BEE is all about, isn’t it… racial distinction? It sounds like a huge paradox that the leaders of this country have chosen. The leadership of a country should be smart guys, so you must trust them to make a good choice. They chose evolution over revolution, and it was pretty admirable to avoid a civil war in my view. BEE is a way to level out the differences in the society! The South African rugbyteam (Springboks, who won the world cup short time ago) is bringing in racial quotas now… and people are worried that this will tackle “Bokke”. It’s a parallel approach the way I see it. I understand and agree with the reasons, but wonder if they haven't made a hurried shortcut?

I see members of the BEE club stuffing each others pockets. People in the informal settlements around, Thembisa and Diepsloot, does not benefit much. They have no ways/ability to capture any governmental BEE funding. It’s the same guys all the time… Bring forward the masses rather than the few already stinking rich guys.Companies hiring ask for AA (Affirmative Action) candidates which means pretty much anything but white. Actually darker the better… in recruitment they call it “pigment premium”! No kidding – it is very real! Darker skin gets better pay. No wonder I’m working on my tan… I should actually skip all that sunscreen nonsense! No pain, no gain, right?! My objection is that it is not always the best qualified candidate that gets the job (at least that is my impression)!

I know the previously disadvantaged did not have the same access to education… so that should be a very important approach. Just do it right! Stories about students getting better grades because of skin color flourish. The other day I overheard a teacher/lecturer talking on the phone; “I have some other AA students that I have to re-evaluate. This is an AA student, right? What mark did he get? Ok, send it over and I will look into it!” It was reminding me of a story from a university in Norway:

An overambitious student had taken an extra subject one semester, but realized that he did not have the capacity to study enough. However, he went to do the exams. He didn’t have the foggiest idea about what they asked for… but had to sit for 2 hours before he could leave, as that’s the rules. This time he spent drawing a big blue elephant, then left! The teacher was quite amused, could not pass him but gave him a 4.1 (1 best – 6 poorest and 4.0 is the last passing grade). It was the best mark he could give without passing the student. Due to a low average result on this exam, they moved all the students up to get a “normal curve”. Thus, the student passed with his blue elephant!My point is that by racial distinction and no other qualitative measure; you might end up with many “blue elephants” passing!

On a trip to Mocambique earlier this year we stopped at the Jozini Dam. Some boys where selling amethyst rocks in the middle of school hours. He was embarrassed when I asked if he didn’t go to school. Whether it was his own choice or the parents’ choice, I don’t know, but money was preferred.

I believe that school should be mandatory, like it probably is also, but forced through to a greater extent. The quality of the schools should probably also be emphasized. Provide a social structure that can allow this and make it economically viable for families. It will take time, but at least the results will come with better quality.

Do whatever it takes to force those kids to school. My father told me he “forced” me to start playing organized football. I can’t recall being forced in any negative way, but actually enjoyed playing… and thankful for it today! If the parents can’t see the benefit… then go to Mandela, Zulu King Goodwill Zwelethini or/and get the local Sangomas on board so that they can preach the necessity even in the rural areas! Sangomas have been used to fight AIDS – so why not for the sake of BEE?! It would probably enlighten people enough to end the Sangoma traditions… let’s just hope that the Sangomas are not bright and foresighted enough to understand!

In turn, hopefully (and I truly believe) you would get a system where candidates get chosen based on their merits and nothing else. What if only the best qualified students was funneled up into higher education… and you couldn’t just buy your degree?! Provide some scholarships in this transitional period… but give the best students a chance! Take myself as an example: I was nowhere near good enough to go into Medical School. I studied economy/marketing because that was my interest among the studies that I was qualified for. I sharpened up, matured and came out fine I believe. One year later, and I wouldn’t have qualified for the same school either, so I was lucky! Tough, but that’s life!

Beware of the blue elephants and put more focus on education… I guess that’s all I wanted to say!!

TIA – This Is Africa

I was up unusually early this morning (yesterday), because I was too agitated and pissed off to sleep! I took a walk/jog to try and rid myself of some built up excess energy. As I walk under some trees that are hanging out over the street, something drops from the tree. From the side of my vision I could see this “something” dropping, but not really what it was. Whether it was a cone, a branch or a coconut… I was incredibly alert this morning and jumped aside in pure reflex. The curious George in me wanted to know what it was though. It blended into the grass and moved… long after it should have stopped rolling or bouncing. A snake! It was a tiny little green snake. Who knows what kind and how poisonous it could be, but it was a small footstep away from landing on my shoulder.
In Norway we have a poisonous adder. It’s the only poisonous snake around, and for some people it could be no worse than a bee sting. I know though, that juvenile snakes of the kind give everything in one bite… whilst the adult snakes learn to portion out their venom. Thus, it can be worse to meet an unruly youngster than a more impressive one size wise. Size is truly not everything… and this dropping, jumping, flying marine/ amphibian snake could hardly be more than 20-30cm long… and thin and puny. Was it a tiny unruly one, old and slow, dangerous or harmless kind??? I think I will retreat from the bush into a safe and secure library to find out one of these days…
My father in law once told me that they used to climb up in the trees to pluck mangos. High up there, they used to see small green snakes all the time… really poisonous ones I remember him saying. Was it to spice up the story or were they really that dangerous I wonder now? I was impressed though, enough to remember the story now at least. I’ve been on the farm and seen those huge mango trees... and can easily imagine myself up there with jumping snakes… I’m sure my snake was the same kind!

In my more than one year now in South Africa, and several vacations before, I have seen one dead snake on the road before this. That was in a bush area close to the Mozambiquan border and far away from civilization. I knew they where hiding somewhere, but never expected one to attack me from a tree like that… It would have been more likely in the deep African jungle, but not on the streets in Pretoria?! Last week I found a tiny little scorpion on our patio. Then you know that mom and dad must be somewhere around too. I imagined the kids stepping on one on the lawn, and threw it into the braai (barbeque) coals…

TIA I’m thinking – This Is Africa! But TIA has always been a way to explain stupid, bureaucratic, slow and inefficient stuff… All the time it’s been a humoristic way (for me at least!) to make an excuse for harmless but tiresome practices. Only when a snake attacks you from a tree does TIA sort of hit you right in the face. Then you realize that this is as TIA as you can get it in the developed South Africa. All the creeps and wild animals come with the package.
Did I sign up for all this when I left Norway a year ago? The Norwegian winter is bad enough, but no deadly bugs or reptiles can survive it. The cold wipes out that factor sort of and keeps it disinfected! Maybe there is something to Norway after all? Maybe my ancestors saw something that I’ve been too blind to see before today?! Maybe there was a good reason for that great trek after all?? How could my ancestors be so stupid - when I'm so smart after all?! It does not make sense of course! This must be the reason!! Imagine what other scary creatures they had in the Cradle of Humankind back then... a T-Rex Mamba or a Megaladon Bug that is yet to be discovered and excavated maybe? No wonder they jumped that pond and over to the European side!!

Fucked and Abused

I'm gonna rewrite that Led Zeppelin song "Dazed and confused" to "Fucked and abused"!! I’ve had some frustrations as an expat in South Africa. Some small ones and some bigger ones, but thought I’ll not use this blog as a wailing wall. Not unless I could find some cultural perspective or justify it from some other angle. This time I am generally pissed off and I have no intention whatsoever to find a justifiable angle. I need to write off these frustrations in order to not go mad - plain and simple!

I find myself in crossfire between my brother in law and his previous flatmate - let’s just call him Ari. In their dispute Ari has not payed the last 2 months rent and now moved out. He has later broken into the apartment (lock-seal) and stolen my brother in law’s TV. Ari has also found a way (???) to reverse R11.000 out of my account without my authorization. This amount was originally my brother in law’s salary, and from this amount we payed their rent and domestic helper and etc. Ari then decides that he can take this amount out of my account… which leaves me R11.000 (about $1.600) short!

In our household we balance our spending with our income. We spend what we earn. We don’t have deep enough pockets to go R11.000 short one month and smile back to our “friend” who stole it! Ari has come to our house to eat on a regular basis for almost a year and been almost like a family member. He’s been broke and taken in by our family. It’s the Indian way… and I happen to be married into one. We have made extra food to accommodate him… and there have been unexpected times where I personally have eaten less than normal so that he could stop his roaring tummy. Then he turns around and empties 11k’s out of my account?!

I have told him repeatedly to keep me and my family out of their dispute! In return I’m asked to stay away from it… Hello!! He involved ME by stealing 11 grand! This is personal to me. It’s like sneaking up on me at night and fiddle with my dick, very personal! This is the third time (second in a year) this happens to me in South Africa, but never thought that a friend would turn around and steal money from me.

The police tell us that, because of the technicalities, the banking business is a civil dispute that we have to settle between ourselves. The police won’t intervene in this matter. Ari still had a key to the door, and although he broke a lock seal, the police refuse to open a case on this. The TV all the same and there is no way that the police will assist in any way.

Ironically I was listening to Faith No More in the car this morning – The gentle art of making enemies! Although painful, the lyrics were ever so fitting:

I deserve a reward

Cuz I'm the best fuck that you ever had (11k’s worth to be exact)

And if I tighten up my hole -

You may never see the light again

I really feel FUCKED! Not in a pleasant way… but raped and abused!! I have no desire to loose 11grand because of a dispute that does not concern me. Now both I and my wife have wasted two full working days, lost night sleep and been turned away from every authority (bank & legal/police) that we thought could assist us. I’m in a dangerous state of mind right now!! All opportunities within the law have been tried in vain, and I’m fantasizing about “alternative” solutions. If you ever read my Dog Story, then you have a clue what I'm talking about. NO, you actually have to multiply it infinite times to come close!!

I like to have good equipment in the kitchen, so one of the first things I did when we moved to South Africa was to buy some good kitchen knives. Victorinox knives to be specific, that I like and consider good quality knives. Recently the vegetable knife was used to cut bones and was destroyed. Today I went to a china shop around the corner and bought one of these butcher knives made specifically to cut bones... "pork even, no problem"; the chinaman behind the counter told me with a big smile! What else than pork I wonder... I can’t seem to rid myself of that bastard Ari!!

Even if the money was returned to me this instant I would want this guy to really suffer. A very basic caveman instinct in me wants to provide for my family. When that ability is taken away from me, there is another instinct that kicks in (it seems). Let any suspect person in and around Gauteng know that I’m in the market and open to suggestions as how to sort things out!!!

Madagascar

Madagascar, the island at the end of the earth, was for me one of these places on the map that I thought; “I’ll go there some day”. When is another question! The adventurous part of me has this need to put an imaginary flag-pin on the world map stating that “I’ve been there”. How we ended up with Madagascar as our destination this time was due to a 4 year old article in the Getaway magazine. After numbers of beers and whisky’s and brainstorming, that article came up in conversation. The concept of staying on a boat in Madagascar was such an appealing thought that we could not rid ourselves of the daydreams… so the ticket was booked!

I knew nothing about Madagascar other than that animated children’s/parent’s movie that came out a while ago. We rented that movie, so that we where familiar with King Julian and his Lemur friends on the island. I still felt obliged to find out more before going there… so I found some old National Geographic (NG) magazines in a second hand bookstore…. and dug up some of my old Getaway and Go magazines with articles on the place.

Baobab trees have quite cool shapes. Madagascar has got 6 different species although it is known as a mainland Africa tree. Only one species grow on African mainland though. If I’m lucky I might even see a Chameleon and King Julian in one of those trees… it’s an obvious attraction and an excuse to go! Ylang Ylang trees are also quite special! It’s like they suddenly start growing downwards again at about chest height. Henk and I cover the fields of botany, biology, marine biology, social anthropology and lots of other useful things, and could confirm for the ladies that these plants were trimmed to not outgrow the small and petite Malagasy people (reaching chest height)… very much like in a Japanese garden with those tiny little trees that needs constant trimming.

The people in Madagascar are Malagasy, a mix of Africans, Arabs, Malaysians and Indonesians that arrived about 1500 years ago… dugout canoe’s that drifted off maybe? Serious drifting that… from either direction!! In my October 1967 and February ’87 issue of NG I found that the population have increased from 6-10 mill people and to 19,5 mill people as per July 2007. That’s quite an increase!! President M. Philibert Tsiranana explained in an interview (1967) that he is against any form of birth control, and he said: “I want every Malagasy to have at least 12 children”. So there is an explanation to everything… It’s like the introduction of rabbits in Australia, or the Kamtchatka Crabs in Russia, or American lobsters in Norway… and drifters stranded in Madagascar.

I’m diving at Four Brothers - four rocks that look almost misplaced and funny the way they come up from the abyss. It reminds me strongly about rock shapes and islands that I’ve seen in Thailand in the Phuket/Krabi area. My theory is that those rocks where shaped millions of years ago when we still had the Pangea super continent. If you puzzle together the continents today, I’m pretty damn sure that James Bond island will be the 5th brother or so…

Madagascar is a place where they find a lot of fossils, so I bought one of those ammonite things... It’s an obvious souvenir from the place. Madagascar has some animal species that you won’t find anywhere else in the world like Lemurs and some Chameleons. They also had some prehistoric species like the Aepyornis (Elephant Bird) that was a bigger version of the Ostrich. It seems to be a place for a lot of odd creatures, live ones and fossilized ones. But imagine the diversity of the marine life around Madagascar? I’ve already caught Cuta and Sailfish whilst fishing, and seen lots of the colorful fishies whilst diving… What about that Megladon, the prehistoric big brother of the white shark? They say much of the marine life is yet to be discovered, so who knows if the Megladon is really extinct?! If it’s lurking around down there somewhere, then I’m sure Madagascar is the place! Maybe in the deeper end though, so I silently agree with the girls to stay in the calm and shallow water around the little islands. Diving and snorkeling should be safe there. With the possibility of Megladons in the water, I decide to not push “Floater” too much…

Oh, I can put another flag-pin on the world map now... but I still don't feel I have DONE Madagascar properly... only a small part of the northern tip, so I have to come back!!